Thursday, September 18, 2008

Pick Up Lines from the Bible

Sometimes it's easy to pretend that the people in the Bible weren't real people like you and me. It's convenient to think the characters of Scripture a far removed, set apart or untouchable. We see them as heroes, which most of them are. But most of them stumbled their way down the path of faith. While I've always tried to think of the people of God's Word as everyday folks, there's a concept that never occurred to me, until now: Bible pick up lines.

Yes, I'm serious (well, not really, but I am medicated so I'm not dangerous). Great men and women of the Bible using their mountain top encounters with pick up chicks, or dudes as the case may be. Now I don't know if there were things like Eharmony or "Blind Date" (the skanky version of "The Dating Game") back in Galilee, or if they were more into speed dating or what, but I know this for sure: No matter who you are, you only get one chance to make a first impression.

So without further ado, here's my list of pick up lines from the Bible...

Adam, to Eve: You're the most beautiful girl in the world.

Eve, to Adam: Not if you were the last guy on Earth.

Noah: Darlin' I can make it rain.

Jacob: I wasn't always a two timer.

Moses: I'd walk through water for you.

Rahab: I don't hang scarlet thread in my window for just anybody, you know.

Balam: My ass can talk and right now it's whispering your name. (ok, cue hate mail)

Jonah: You've got one whale of a body. I should know.

Bathsheba, to David: Can I borrow a towel?

Zachariah: I wish I could tell you how beautiful you are.

Judas: Want a kiss?

Peter: As a matter of fact, yes, I do walk on water.

Paul: You're a vision. No, really.

But surely this list doesn't end here. I'll bet you know some great Biblical pick up lines. Do all of Christendom a favor and list them here...


Joanna said...

Here's a list thats been circulating around the internet. haven't tried any of them yet

1. “nice bible.”
2. “is this pew taken?”
3. “i just don’t feel called to celibacy.”
4. “for you i would slay two Goliaths”
5. “i would go through more than Job for you”
6. “you are perfect, except with all the sin.”
7. “when Moses struck the rock, water flowed from it like a river. I promise I will never strike you.”
8. “you are so unblemished that i would sacrifice you.”
9. “what, this here? oh.. thats my study bible - it’s a little bigger but i can handle the extra spiritual and physical weight.”
10. “shall we tithe?”
11. “at points in my life i have been referred to as Samson”
12. “the word says ‘Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry’; how about dinner?”
13. “i didnt believe in predestination until tonight.”
14. “im not like those other Christ Church guys.”
15. “i believe one of my ribs belongs to you.”
16. “i know Lachlan Payne.”
17. (if no.16 gains no response) “Lachlan Payne knows me”
18. “i went on a beach mission but all I ended up doing was mission you.”
19. “i can be your Boaz.”
20. “my spiritual gift is my good looks… it lifts peoples spirits”
21. “i sacrifice my sunday mornings to look after the creche group. its tough… but i love children.”
22. “is this the transfiguration.. because you are glowing”
23. “i have a job.”
24. “mark driscoll takes up 35% of my ipod memory.”
25. “hey..for you I’d work seven years… and then seven more for your sister.”
(I don’t exactly know how this would benefit the user, but worth a try)
26. “im kind of a big deal at Koorong” (koorong one of the larger christian bookstore chains in australia)
27. “hey good-looking, Ecclesiastes 4:11…”
28. “absolutely. i often throw clothes into the samaritan bin.”
29. “bible-gateway happens to be my homepage.”
30. “im a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That’s what kind of man I am.”
31. “marry me.”
32. “can I buy you a non-alcoholic beverage?”
33. “i have many sponsor children. one in each developing nation.”
34. ” im one of the fortunate ones..greek and hebrew comes pretty easily to me.”
35. “my favourite species of vegetation is the church plant.”
36. “did i just have mud rubbed in my eyes?”
37. “what’s an xbox?”
38. “now i know why Solomon had 700 wives… Because he never met you.”
39. “i used to believe in natural theology, but since i met you i’ve converted to divine revelation”
40. “i look after widows”
41. “is that a thinline, duo-tone, compact, ESV Travel Bible in your pocket”
42. “why dont i have a bible dictionary? well, i dont really need it.”
43. “bathsheba had nothing on you”
44. ”you put the ‘cute’ back in persecution…”
45. “your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead”
46. “so, can i clothe you in righteousness?”
47. “how many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?”
48. “how would you like to join my Purpose Driven Life?”
49. “if you say no, i will rip out my hair and my beard”
50. “if you say no, im going to tear my clothes, get in my sackcloth and rub dust into my head..”
51. “if you say no, i’m going on a pilgrimage.”
52. “unfortunately i cant perform miracles and ive only got enough bread and fish for 2 people.”
53. “so, my parents are home, you wanna come over?”
54. “let me remove my sandals before I come any closer..”
55. “lets say, hypothetically, you were married. I would send your husband to the front line against the Amorites”
56. “its obvious to me that you sprouted from the good kinda soil…”
57. “feel free to meet me at the threshing floor.”
58. “you can lie at my feet..”
59. “i know its absurd, but every time i walk towards you, it feels like im being lead to bethlehem.”
60. “if i had to choose between a romantic date with you or a night with the fellas… i would sit at home and read my bible.”
61. “i really like your spirituality, it goes well with that shirt.”
62. “welcome to the christian family… the only family where brothers and sisters can marry each other”
63. “i did a love tester on your name and mine.. it came back ‘predestined’”
64. “you’re totally depraved but i’d still like to go out with you…”
65. “you can come crash at mine tonight. i have a separate room prepared.”
66. “i’m a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you’re a proverbs 31 kinda woman…”
67. “im interested in full time ministry, and not only that… i also play the guitar.”
68. “mmm… you really have to watch out for that man of lawlessness.. but dont worry, im not him, so you’re safe with me.”
69. “if we were around with noah… then you, me… pair.”
70. “i arrange the substantial christian section of my bookshelf into alphabetical order. coffee?”

David Stone said...

Going to steal one from a friend:

- What's your spiritual gift? Mine's tongues.....

Bible College/Seminary Students only:

- What do you think about getting a jump start on that MRS degree?

- Wow! Ankles!

- Would you like to violate curfew with me?

Church Camp:

- If I said that you had a beautiful body, would you let me sit next to you during the evening meeting?

Jeremy said...

Herod: "Who can I decapitate for you, baby?"

Lazarus: "I came back from the dead just to have this conversation with you."

Abraham: "You're beautiful. You could pass for my sister. And trust me - that's a complement."

Jacob: "You look like an angel. Wanna wrestle?"

Miss Hannah said...

OMG, Jeremy! That Jacob wrestling one was the BEST! I'm dying here! Oh, so funnny!

I can only seem to come up with song lyrics this morning, but here it goes:

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you."

Lazarus (the rich man, not the zombie): "It's gettin' hot in here, so take off all your clothes!"

Gomer: "Love me two times, I'm goin' away."

Also, when I was in college (before I transferred to the Christian one), our pastor did a very in-depth series
on the Song of Solomon and marriage and whatnot. The big joke among all of us was to tell each other, "You have a neck as thick as a fortress, your teeth are furry, and your face looks like a half-eaten pomegranite rotting in the sun. Wanna go out with me?" (SoS 4:2-4) Somehow, it just doesn't sound as romantic...

Jan said...

Wow! Thanks for the great wake-up this morning! I have to say that Balaam made us LOL, which doesn't usually happen.

michael said...

Hosea: "Well, you're no prostitute, but..."
Inappropriate of me? Probably. Oh well.


Stacy from Louisville said...

You crazy, wicked sarcastic readers! I heart you!!

But not enough to go out with you.

bub said...

Daniel: I'd be lion if I didn't say you were the cutest kitten around!"

bub said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bub said...

John the Baptist" Excuse me, but I'm heels over head about you!"

Jeremy said...

The apostle John: "I've seen the end of the world, and it ends with me and you together."

Jeremy said...

One more...

Paul: "I wrote the book on love. Well, actually, it's more like a chapter, but you get the idea."

Anonymous said... must be heaven sent
2.God is blessing me with you.
3.Would you like to come check out my church?
4.after we study the Bible, can i study you?
5. when God created you, he must have been showin off his skills brother can come to dinner with us, right?
7.lets pray together (that way we can hold hands)
8. ill be your redeemer
9. id die for you to save you from your sins

Kat(i)e said...

Here are a few my friend and I used "ironically" once upon a time:
"I would leave 99 sheep to come and find you then carry you home joyfully on my shoulders."
"Are you tired? 'Cause you've been running through God's plans for me for all eternity."
Walking with you in the sun today made me realise... Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep coming up from the washing."
"My darling, whom I liken to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh."
"I am having a real problem accepting parts of my bible. Specifically right now in Genesis 1:16-17. How can I believe God put the stars in the sky when I've seen them in your eyes?"
"Baby, I'd let you cut my hair even if it meant being captured, blinded and humiliated by the Lord's enemies and finally crushed under a building."
"I would give up all seven of my demons to wash your feet with my tears, dry them with my hair and splash them in my favourite Versace. Even if I didn't get any. Ever."

I know there are some repeaters in there but I give you the set of banter for completeness. Word of warning though - use with caution!

Stacy from Louisville said...

I'd drop out of Bible college for you

revintraining said...

Brilliant! I'm gonna have to show these to my friends.

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