My BFF from Arizona, Lady Arbonne, thinks I sold my soul to The Sticks when I moved to Kentucky. She makes jokes about the still in our back yard and wonders which days of the week we have electricity. Oh, how she mocks me. But don't hate on Lady Arbonne. Yes, she may be an elitist with her golden, diamond studded cactus in her back yard, but let's be frank. It's not really a back yard, it's a desert. What's more, I know for a fact that lots of people in Arizona wish they had a little Bluegrass from time to time. Why else would they spray paint their graveled front yards green? I'm not making it up. This just proves that no matter where you go bad taste is no respecter of geography.
It's true, I may live in a state once known more for inbreeding than horse breeding, but still, Louisville is a nice place to live. Louisville is smooshed right up against the border of Indiana. This makes Kentucky an even mixture of both Yankee and Confederate cultures. We're a bunch of Conyankates, if you will. Which only means we're confused about whether or not to root for Basketball or Nascar, listen to Chicago or Lynard Skynard, highlight our mullet or tease it with a pick before we apply Aquanet. (Oh, if I had a dollar for every time I walked in to church only to hear, "Hey! The 80s called. They want their bangs back!") But I digress.
Like I said, bad taste is everywhere. It was never more evident than in a recent trip to the grocery store. I’ll have you know that though I have love for most major grocery store chains, my preference typically falls to stores named anything other than Wal-Mart. The smiley face roll-backs are nice, I’ll give them that. Yet the fact still remains: Wal-Mart is where all unrepentant produce goes when it dies. That’s right, Wal-Mart is vegetable hell, and then some.
When I went grocery shopping this weekend I saw some things that literally made me take a second look. And wouldn't you know it, I had my camera with me. So, let's see what Kentucky has to offer in terms of good taste...
1) Pigs Feet, Pork Hocks, and Pickled Eggs
Notice that prices are very reasonable for what I'm sure is cultural delicacy. Also notice that the shelves are partially empty, which means somebody named "Cousin Daddy" is having one screamin' tailgate party right about now.
2) Pigs Feet: A Closer Look
Upon closer inspection it seems that the Pigs Feet Value Pack seems to be oozing. (I think I feel throw up climbing up my throat so let's move on.)
3) Lard Needs No Refrigration!
For a mere $4.43 you can purchase 64 oz. of lard. Considering that vegetable oil only yields 48oz. and costs nearly $3 I think its pretty clear where the value lies. To tell the truth I'm not sure if lard has trans fats, but I am positive it has no carbs. Which is nice. If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me, "Stacy, what do you do with lard?" I'd have 75 whole cents in my pocket. Why only 75 cents? I spent the other 25 cents on an unwrapped jaw breaker from a guy selling them out of his pocket for the Lion's Club. (Fuzzy Navel is my favorite flavor to date.)
4) The Bubba Keg
As a general rule I try not to purchase anything named "Bubba". To me it's just poor form. (I appologize to you in advance if your name is Bubba. And I offer my condolences.) The Bubba Keg can be purchased for less than $5. In fantasy land, where unicorns and talking swans have pillow fights in poppy fields, we could pretend that this 52 oz. beauty is for holding beverages like Kool-Aide or even Matamucial. But unfortunately, we all know the Bubba Keg is meant for more sinful beverages: like beer or Satan Water, if you will. Though I'm not an expert on alcohol I happen to know that this keg will hold five whole beers. Let's say this together: "Wow. That's a lot of beer." So that means that with one full Bubba Keg some poor college student is only 52 completely blitzed ounces away from needing this.....
5) The DNA Paternity Test Collection Kit from IDENTIgene
That's right. Sold in my local gorcery store is Armageddon in a Box. For only $13.99 plus tax you have all you need to collect DNA. Send it off with a check for $119 flat and you have iron clad paternity test results. The back of the box is nice, too. It has two full paragraphs explaining why paternity is a good thing to determine. Especially if your chld is ugly. Come on, let's place blame where blame is do.
So there you have it. The best Louisville has to offer, from Pigs Feet to paternity. But I'm not too worried about the demise of my city. I used to live in Indianapolis, where you can find ample signs that read, "1-888-RU-MY-DAD?" I moved to Louisville where we're more refined. At we least keep our indescresion in a box, on the shelf, at the local grocery store, where God intended.
You know you want to say something about this one...
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