Thursday, January 22, 2009

Love Stinks Give Away

I love bacon so much I could have married it, but I don't think it would have worked out. Eventually, I'm sure, in a moment of weakness, I'd give myself over to pork rinds. It would have been a scandalous mess of inappropriate. There'd be sleepless nights with nothing but my regrets and Celene Dion's "All By Myself" to comfort me. Surely bacon and I would take the high road, enter couples therapy and renew our vows. But would we ever sizzle like we had before? My friends, in the grand slam scheme of things, that's a gamble I'm just not willing to take.

Bottom line: Love, in whatever form, is never easy.

Apparently you agree wholeheartedly.

Two days ago I announced that in February we'd be talking about dating, marriage, relationships and sex. I thought I'd bribe you to leave a comment by offering a gift. Yet when some of you saw the word "sex" as a topic of discussion you needed no bribe, you were more than willing to give your 2 cents, and then some. I'm glad you did.

For whatever reason most churches I've attended treat sex as an off limits topic, even in married circles. To me it's a shame. God created us for relationships. He also designed marriage. Sex was part of His plan. If Christians can't talk about healthy relationships or sex we open ourselves to the world's skewed perspective. The world's perspective is one of instant gratification, selfishness, and abandonment. God's perspective of relationships is surrender, forgiveness, and intimacy. So this month we're going to compare and contrast the two and I can't wait to journey with you.

In the meantime let me introduce the Love Stinks Super Smelly Prize Pack o' Puke:

This lovely prize pack celebrates all the times love has left a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep. Been dumped? Misunderstood? Two timed? Annoyed? Then this is the pack for you!

1 - 3 pack Flarp! Stink Bag. Squeeze each sulfur filled pack, shake, bag will begin to inflate, drop and run. The bag will burst open and pop filling your world with with nothin' but whiff. (Couldn't make it up if I tried.)

1 - Cat Butt Air Freshener. Smells like hyacinth, shaped like a cat's butt. To quote the package, "Blue Q air fresheners mask unpleasant odors from spilled beverages and bits of hamburger dropped between the seats." Only $2.95 at a Books-A-Million near you. (Also comes in Mullet!)

1 Jack Link's Jerky Chew Shredded Beef Jerky. On a very personal note, I once had a friend who dipped. He'd spit in an empty Coke can. That was disgusting. But here we have beef you can suck on to your heart's content. And in fundamentalist settings, too. For example:

Sally Seuss McKnickertwist: I see your chew there in a wad. You chew in the pew? I think that's odd. You must not read the Word of God!

You: No, actually I'm sucking on beef. Whether or not you know it, you suck, too.

1 box of Bean Boozled Jelly Belly Jelly Beans - In this box are 20 jelly beans that look identical, 2 white, 2 green, 2 black, etc. The problem is one tastes good, the other tastes awful. Here are the flavors: Pencil Shavings, Skunk Spray, Vomit, Baby Wipes, and so on. Good luck with that.

Today's lucky, randomly selected winner is: Stacie @ 7:40 am! Congratulations Stacie. Email me your info and your prize is on its way!

But there's one more gift I'd like to give away and here it is:

2009 Anne Taintor Wall Calendar, the official wall calendar of SFL. Had it with domestic bliss? This retro calendar features color photos and captions like, "There was nothing passive about her aggression" and "Her proudest achievement was staying blonde."

This lovely calendar is awarded to the owner of this comment that made my day:

"Sex is my favorite! Who else is singin' Salt 'n Peppa right now?!!" Daphnie

Between now and the end of February keep this ideas coming. Leave comments. Or e-mail me at

For today, answer this question: What is the difference between love and infatuation? What does it take to have both in a marriage?


Shawna said...

Love is when you can see past the inFATuation of your spouse.

InFATuation is when you've let yourself become the focus of the love you had in the first place.

wv: lamoner - the french couple having sex in the hotel room next door

Anonymous said...

I think love comes with a deep committment that says, "I might not like you every day, but I will still be here for you."

Infatuation says, "I really like you so much, but if/when that fades, I'm out"

The great combination in marriage is being unconditionally committed to each other, based fully on mutual respect and love, but still having the days where you can kick back, have fun, and enjoy the little things that got you hooked in the first place.

Jewda said...

That 1st paragraph made me laugh and it made me hungry. I will have to get that new bacon gordita for lunch now, and I will tell my wife that I blame you. Thanks for the excuse. This is definitely "Facebook favorite quotes" material.

bman said...

I really hope you and bacon make it. What? That wasn't a true story? So, I don't have to worry about pork rind's salvation? Okay. Good.

Uh... the difference between infatuation and love would have to be that love keeps going when infatuation dies away. Love also keeps you with your respective partner when they're being absolutely ridiculous or dumb, being mad, but still together (my wife loves me so much!)

Shawna- hilarious word verification! Much better than ulles... which I can't even think of anything for.

bman said...

Wow. If only I had waited for this WV: slizese.

The language of the sleezy.

It feels like my whole last post was a waste. Oh well. Just racking up some comment counts for you, Stacy! Enjoy!

Dog snob said...

Wow Stacy, your prizes just keep getting more and more....uh..interesting. where do you find this stuff?

daphne said...

Love is defined in 1 Cor 13. Infactuation is the opposite AND a feeling. Love is NOT a feeling. It can not be defined by only one word other than God but a few that come to mind are action, choice and HARD.

I humbly accept my award and would like to thank God, bacon and Stacey.

I am actually looking fwd to this month here because my love & I were not saved when we got married. We both had a sorid past and both struggled with the effects of porn addiction. When I asked my Christian friends what Godly sex was, no one would tell me. I really do love sex but I wanted to make sure I was honoring God with that part of my marriage. I found info on line but it would be nice if Christians accepted sex for the gift it is instead of making it seem like a dirty little secret God forgot to remove from His Holy Ways for His children.

sara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sara said...

I just wanted to change some wording, they should let you edit your comment instead of deleting it entirely.

Anyway, this has been one of my favorite quotes since I was about 12:

"Infatuation is when you think he’s as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he’s as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford - but you’ll take him anyway." ~Judith Viorst, Redbook, 1975

Rick the Polonian said...

Infatuation is what you feel when the plurality of your thoughts is on one singular individual.

Love is when, 20 years later, the plurality of your thoughts is on that same individual.

Rick the Polonian said...

Oh, no! I just left entirely too serious of a comment. Allow me to offset:

Pork, pork, I love pork.
I want to eat it at work.*
Pork, pork, I love pork.
I like to eat it and watch Snorks.**

Bacon, Ham,
I love you man.
Salt Pork, Fresh Side,
I keep Canadian Bacon in my ride.

*I know pork and work do not rhyme, but it sounds funny when you say it out loud and try to make it rhyme.

**I know Snorks is plural, but I had to throw in a classic 80's Hannah Barbara reference.

I *HEART* Snorks! (and Pork!)

sara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Christina said...

Infatuation is what I see in most relationships friends my age have. Love is what I see in my parents' relationship and in the relationships of other couples who've been married for decades and still hold hands in church. I think infatuation can turn into love, but infatuation itself is pretty self-centered. It's all about the pleasure you get from the relationship and being with the other person. Love is choosing to stick it out through good and bad times, and serving the other person.

wv: combro. A value meal at Taco Bell.

Max02 said...

This is yet another reason why I love my church. We're not afraid to talk about sex. The leadership understands that sex is part of the marital relationship, an important part. God designed it that way. I mean, who here doesn't know that an entire book in the Bible is dedicated to sex in marriage?

We even did a series called "Sex and it was Good." The flier we mailed out and business cards we handed out all had a picture of a giant strawberry dipped in chocolate on it. I was all about using a bed with tangled white sheets on it, but some people thought that was a bit overboard.

I've been told, and I'm learning more and more that love is more than a feeling, it's an action. Love decides to act in love whether or not the all encompassing feeling of love isn't felt at the moment.

My wife and I went through the 1 Corinthians 13 section the last few weeks before our wedding. It was awesome to define and read what we each felt God was saying love was.

wv: chang

Famous Chinese last name, i.e. PF Chang's.

Anonymous said...

I think I have some questions around how many single women I know (this might be in my country) and how few guys there are in in the church. The numbers just don't add up that everyone will find someone. It can be very depressing.

Helen said...

Infatuation is fun. Love is work. Worthwhile work, but work nevertheless. A marriage can survive on love alone, but not infatuation alone. But it does not have to be either / or. Given a chance, infatuation can and will return if it is not and has never been the point of the relationship, but a benefit.

interestedparty29 said...

"Dipped"? "Chew" as a noun? "Sucking on beef"? You warned us you're from Louisville, so I checked with a buddy who escaped the south for glorious New England. Yup, those things are southern and evidently refer to tobacco. Who knew that people put it in their mouths as well as smoke it? Well, now that I realize those things aren't referring to kinky sex I feel a whole lot better. Does your blog come with an appendix of terms?

Kelli said...

You've gotta check out this Ann Taintor postcard (the 1st one on the page). It's my absolute favorite and perfectly fits the sex theme.

Rachel said...

Sometimes when I pray before going to sleep at night, I pray that God will hold off on the Rapture until I've been able to build a working Man Trap, get married, and experience the Joy of Married Sex.

Bruce IV said...

I'd say that love is about sacrifice, whereas infatuation is just obsession. (I'm rather unqualified to comment, but some of the others have been saying similar things, and, hey, its a blog - who needs credibility :-) )

fb said...

Lots of great ideas here. In our very long marriage - Love is hanging in there through the big screw ups - and there have been many. Love is often trying to look forward and not so much looking back. Love is forgiveness. Love is lasting. Love is what is left when the infatuation dies. My two cents worth....

Alison said...

Hey, tell me havent ya heard?
Luv, is a serious word
Hey, I think its time ya learned
I dont care what they say
I dont care care what ya heard
The word luv, luv is a verb

'Nuff said.

evenshine said...

Speaking of bacon, ever see the bacon bra? I'll spare you the link.

Love is never shutting the door behind you.

And seeing your partner in the eyes of your children.

Looking forward to the series.

wv: dershabl- a hunting trip gone wrong