I love bacon so much I could have married it, but I don't think it would have worked out. Eventually, I'm sure, in a moment of weakness, I'd give myself over to pork rinds. It would have been a scandalous mess of inappropriate. There'd be sleepless nights with nothing but my regrets and Celene Dion's "All By Myself" to comfort me. Surely bacon and I would take the high road, enter couples therapy and renew our vows. But would we ever sizzle like we had before? My friends, in the grand slam scheme of things, that's a gamble I'm just not willing to take.
Bottom line: Love, in whatever form, is never easy.
Apparently you agree wholeheartedly.
Two days ago I announced that in February we'd be talking about dating, marriage, relationships and sex. I thought I'd bribe you to leave a comment by offering a gift. Yet when some of you saw the word "sex" as a topic of discussion you needed no bribe, you were more than willing to give your 2 cents, and then some. I'm glad you did.
For whatever reason most churches I've attended treat sex as an off limits topic, even in married circles. To me it's a shame. God created us for relationships. He also designed marriage. Sex was part of His plan. If Christians can't talk about healthy relationships or sex we open ourselves to the world's skewed perspective. The world's perspective is one of instant gratification, selfishness, and abandonment. God's perspective of relationships is surrender, forgiveness, and intimacy. So this month we're going to compare and contrast the two and I can't wait to journey with you.
In the meantime let me introduce the Love Stinks Super Smelly Prize Pack o' Puke:
This lovely prize pack celebrates all the times love has left a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep. Been dumped? Misunderstood? Two timed? Annoyed? Then this is the pack for you!
1 - 3 pack Flarp! Stink Bag. Squeeze each sulfur filled pack, shake, bag will begin to inflate, drop and run. The bag will burst open and pop filling your world with with nothin' but whiff. (Couldn't make it up if I tried.)
1 - Cat Butt Air Freshener. Smells like hyacinth, shaped like a cat's butt. To quote the package, "Blue Q air fresheners mask unpleasant odors from spilled beverages and bits of hamburger dropped between the seats." Only $2.95 at a Books-A-Million near you. (Also comes in Mullet!)
1 Jack Link's Jerky Chew Shredded Beef Jerky. On a very personal note, I once had a friend who dipped. He'd spit in an empty Coke can. That was disgusting. But here we have beef you can suck on to your heart's content. And in fundamentalist settings, too. For example:
Sally Seuss McKnickertwist: I see your chew there in a wad. You chew in the pew? I think that's odd. You must not read the Word of God!
You: No, actually I'm sucking on beef. Whether or not you know it, you suck, too.
1 box of Bean Boozled Jelly Belly Jelly Beans - In this box are 20 jelly beans that look identical, 2 white, 2 green, 2 black, etc. The problem is one tastes good, the other tastes awful. Here are the flavors: Pencil Shavings, Skunk Spray, Vomit, Baby Wipes, and so on. Good luck with that.
Today's lucky, randomly selected winner is: Stacie @ 7:40 am! Congratulations Stacie. Email me your info and your prize is on its way!
But there's one more gift I'd like to give away and here it is:
2009 Anne Taintor Wall Calendar, the official wall calendar of SFL. Had it with domestic bliss? This retro calendar features color photos and captions like, "There was nothing passive about her aggression" and "Her proudest achievement was staying blonde."
This lovely calendar is awarded to the owner of this comment that made my day:
"Sex is my favorite! Who else is singin' Salt 'n Peppa right now?!!" Daphnie
Between now and the end of February keep this ideas coming. Leave comments. Or e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org
For today, answer this question: What is the difference between love and infatuation? What does it take to have both in a marriage?
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