Thursday, January 29, 2009

I Hope I Don't Get Dropped Kicked

So, it's 10pm and I was looking at Stacy's blog when someone asked if I could do a guest post. So, knowing that this is sacred ground that I am treading on, I'll seek forgiveness later instead of permission now.

I need to say that I am very proud of Stacy for her dedication to her blog. We have been married for almost 10 years and she is a very creative person (one of the reasons I married her, she married me because of my 10 key skills) and over the past several years that creativity has been looking for a way to express itself. She loves to write and I am thankful that she has found this outlet and a community that she feels very close to. Being a CPA, I'm actually quite happy spending my day in my office, talking to only myself. As you can imagine this would drive Stacy insane, infact even the thought of how I can enjoy it is sick to her. Even though I don't share her excitement about the comments, it does make me happy to she her light up.

So, with that said, here it goes...

The 5 Things A CPA Never Wants To Hear During Tax Season...

1. Please don't tell me the office lost power
You see, I'm really ok with the majority of the city being without power. People are more worried about McDonalds running out of food and leave me alone. I was even ok with no power at the house, at least until I found out that there was a half eaten carton of Moose Tracks ice cream melting in the freezer! It's tax season, and I spend as much time as I can at the office. We have a fridge, a microwave and a tv (March Madness is right around the corner). It is a small practice and truely is a home away from home for me. But the power out at work, now that sucks. January 31 is a deadline for us, so this is really bad timing. By the way half melted Moose Tracks is better then no Moose Tracks. Melted Moose Tracks, old pizza and a coke, how about that for dinner!

2. When do you think you will have my tax return done (for the 5th time)?
Is there a nice way to say I have no flippin idea and if you ask me again your are going to the bottom of this list! That line is often used with my kids, if you ask me one more time how much longer until we get there, I'm going to turn the car around and go back home! Your right, I've probably said it but never meant it unless we were headed to Chuckie Cheese. It's not even February yet and we probably have about 50 corporate returns sitting in the office right now. So, when Monday comes and everyone gets their W2's that list will be closer to 125 in the next 7-10 days. So, if you have a CPA do your taxes, be nice to them this year. Drop off your stuff, give him a coke and don't ask when they will be done, just smile, say I hope you are having a great day and let me know when they are done. Chances are you just got your taxes moved up the list.

3. So, how have you been....
With all due respect most people just don't understand tax season. There are just three of us in the office and only two who actually sign off on returns. Last year we probably did close to 700 returns. Now not all of those will get done by April 15 but still, I really don't have time to chit chat about your aunt millie who had a colon cleaned out this past summer. I don't care about your kids or where you went on vacation. And when I sound interested about the fact that you got married had a baby or got a new job, I couldn't care less. The only reason I care about that cute new baby that looks like a monkey is the extra deduction you'll get on your tax return. Which by the way you will thank me for as if I'm giving you the extra money. This causes me to laugh at you and call you a freak as soon as you leave the office, because that new tax deduction sure is going to cost you alot more then what you are saving on your taxes. And yes we do make fun of people when the leave the office sometimes, not the most Christian thing to do, so I'll apologize in advance.

4. Well, just use the same amounts as last year or just give me the maximum allowed
Hmmm. I don't know if you realize this but the IRS is really not a bad bunch of people. I often have the honor of calling them and the number I call is special. I typically don't have to wait more then 10 minutes on hold and since I know what I'm talking about they will listen to me. But even though I will tell the IRS some sob story about how pathetic of a client you are (don't forget I'm on your side, so give me a break), they will not be happy when they want proof of a charity deduction and my response is "Oh well that's what they had last year". That's just not how it works. That's like getting pulled over by a cop and he asks Do you know how fast you were going, and you saying well last year I was only going.... In case you have ever wondered, audits are real but not real fun. Seriously I'd rather spend a whole day at the mall then go through an audit. Just be honest on your taxes both your CPA and God, I mean the IRS will be much happier with you.

5. Oh, did I tell you about...
It's April 15 at 4pm, your taxes are signed, all of the copies have been printed, they are in a nice pretty little folder that you will loose or stuff in the back of a drawer, and you walk in the door and say, Oh, did I tell you about.... WELL, @$&! NO YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THA, YOU IDIOT!!!! Once again that is one of those things that is said after you leave the office, but believe me it is screaming in my mind. The misconception is that I sit around the office all day eating Bon Bons and playing Halo 3 with the other people in the office just waiting for you to come in the door. I'd say we make 40% of our money for the year before April 15. So, if you want to be nice to your CPA make sure you give him all the information the first time.

So there you have it, a guest post from the guy married to SFL. And if you have any good tax stories I'd sure love to hear them (Wow, that will make for some fun comments!! I can hardly wait and I'm sure Stacy is about to pee her pants)

Stacy really gets a kick out of everyone that reads and comments on her craziness. She will be back so just hold tight.

Stacy, thank you for enduring tax season, hope you are warm and give your mom a big smooch for me.

Good night and Happy Tax Season!


Brian Swinford said...

Sir, your post in dead right on! I would say more, but Jan. 31 is two days away, and I still have tons of W-2s to print. And yes, everyone wants to know how I've been....

Joanna said...

My dads an accountant so i've seen a lot of those!

Luckygirl said...

WOW! You really are as wonderful as Stacy says - Hilarious post!

I lived with an accounting major in college. When we split our bills, she would keep track of how often each of us paid the extra penny so that it would be completely even. She also charged me for half of the stamps (~40 cents) the few times that we mailed the bills... Gotta love those accountants :)

BeckeyZ said...

I work seasonally for the IRS (data conversion). Did you know some people soak their returns in urine before sending them in? And they still have to be processed? (it is OUR job!). I also get to decipher peoples horrible handwriting skills. I feel your pain.

I still want to be a CPA when I grow up though. Am I crazy or what??? That, or I'd like to advance in the IRS to an agent that actually gets to carry a gun! WooHoo wouldn't that be fun!

Ashley said...

Soaked in urine? That is disgusting. I have heard of people stapling and gluing things just to make it difficult, but that terrible. Is that the worst thing you have ever seen or does it get better than that?

BeckeyZ said...

It gets better (or worse as the case may be). Lets just say we have a supply of rubber gloves for whoever volunteers to enter these.

Gross, I know.

wv: averatie

"We have averatie of deserts to choose from"

~April~ said...

Love it! People just don't understand that their return is not the only return we have to work on....duh!

Curtis Honeycutt said...

You're like a blog pirate. Funny post.

Nick the Geek said...

I have 3 people in my church that do taxes. It is nice that I can talk to them about our church finances and they understand the differences on how monies need to be handled as opposed to most of the board that think we can handle our money the same way a for profit business does. They even understand the unique tax position I am in as a minister so that is cool.

What is not cool is that this time of the year they disappear. I wish things we different but I know I will hardly see them till mid April and if I do see them I know better than to try and get extra work out of them. Two of them make 90% of their money for the year these 4 months so I can't begrudge them at all. It is also nice that the other 8 months of the year they are available most of the time and are willing most of the time as well.

As for me, well despite my insane tax status I still do my own taxes since I don't make have enough deductions to file itemized deductions and instead claim teh standard. The fed doesn't tend to question that so the only reason they would audit me is if they think I have unreported or under reported income.

If they can find it I'll gladly give them half.

Kristy said...

I have a great IRS story. They called my dad a few years ago and said he hadn't paid his income tax. He found the cancelled check he used topay them, and called them back. They proceed to insist that he hadn't paid the taxes and demand that he pay them again. Dad finally hired a professional to redo his taxes, and it turned out that not only had he paid the taxes the first time around, but the IRS actually owed him $31!! It was a great day when that check came in the mail!

WV: facti - more than one fact. "She gave several facti during her closing argument."

Nick the Geek said...

I tried soaking my return in urine but since I file electronically I don't think they got the message, but my wife doesn't mess with my laptop anymore so I guess it all worked out.

Seriously though, what on earth? I'd pass a law about that.

Lynn said...

Great post... my CPA is a great guy, and during Tax Season I adhere to the "No Chit Chat" rule, even though I have known him for over 20 years!There are 8 other months to catch up on family news! Still don't understand the CPA's love for numbers and all those tax laws... but I am thankful they have it! Me... I think that math (and all that goes with it)has got to be one of Satan's tools designed to confuse me!

Beth E. said...

Great post, Stacy's hubby! Naw, I don't have any tax stories. Well, except for the fact that hubby refuses to hire anyone to file our taxes. He does it himself. There have been a few times he's made errors, but all-in-all the IRS has been very helpful and understanding. He uses Turbo Tax now, which has helped immensely.

Blessings to you during this tax season!

Dog snob said...

We don't have a CPA and pretty much handle our taxes ourselves, but I suddenly have a whole new appreciation for what you probably go through. I do have a friend that works for H&R Block and all year long I get to hear stories about tax season. That alone is enough to keep me from ever working in that industry...well, that and the fact that I have to have someone else explain my 10 year olds math homework to me so I can check it for him.

Ryan B said...

This will be the first year I have to file any kind of tax form. I'm not really looking forward to it. I've heard terrible things. But I do know that last year my pops got a big return and the fam celebrated with some surf and turf that was beyond awesome.

Oh. And Dan, did you hack Stacy's blog cuz that's how you roll or did she willingly hand over this thing?

Max02 said...

I don't do the tax thing. I'm actually one of those people who get their info back, or have it printed out and then I go and stuff it in a folder which is then stuffed into the back of a drawer somewhere.

I know, I know, that's bad, I guess. My wife is better with that stuff. She files for us online.

Incidentally, when she filed last week, she got all kinds of upset with me because I didn't know where my forms for last year were. I misplaced/lost/don't know where the heck they are. For some strange reason, it didn't seem important to me to keep track of them (no one ever told me!). How can you be upset at someone for not doing something they didn't know to do?

Anyways, we had to call the IRS for my AGI (adjusted Gross Income?) from last year. It didn't take long.

She's awesome, and I thank God she likes that sort of thing, 'cause I don't. Budgets and bank accounts I can handle. Taxes, nuh uh.

Erin said...

I work for a small investment firm and have great sympathy for CPAs. I spend every April 29 attached to the fax machine. It's my job to send copies of Schedule D's to our clients, who are calling last minute from their overstressed CPAs' office claiming to have lost the one we send out every January. Apparently you CPAs are neither psychic enough to channel the appropriate capital gain/loss numbers nor are you accommodating enough to the suggestion that last year's numbers are close enough.

photoqueen said...

It's so sweet of you to guest post for Stacy - DURING TAX SEASON!! I have a good friend who is a CPA, so I understand what a big deal this is! Thank you!

And thanks for the tips on working with a CPA - I'll have to remember to deliver my folder of fun with a Coke and a smile!

Julianna said...

Great post. Thanks for visiting! I highly respect CPA's now that I work for a company that uses one. After highly encouraging him to spend time with his family over the holidays, I adhere to the no personal talk during the beginning of the year rule. I also work around his schedule instead of making him conform to ours.

Thanks again for the great post!!

Mandy Leech said...

My very best friend is a CPA and she does my taxes every year. I buy her a Vera Bradley for doing it. She's a saint. :) Good luck, and I hope you find some fresh pizza!!

WV: dishedos
When it comes to washing, I can count every dishedos on one hand.

SirMax said...

Great post! My mom and stepdad used to do taxes. I've sat in their living room and listened to the most ridiculous stories ever! And yes we talked about those people when they left!

My favorite was the lady that tried to claim her dogs as dependents and was TOTALLY put off that my parents would not put them on the forms. Now I see her point because my dogs cost me ALOT of money each year but come on now.

And "Earned income credit" just makes me mad every time I hear the term.

God bless you! Oh and how's the family? Wait...I'll ask you in May!


Beth said...

Well done Dan!

My best friend's father used to do my taxes for me before I got married. The last time he did them for me he brought them to my wedding and had me sign them at the reception. It was fabulous!

Christy said...

We totally love our CPA. My husband used to do ours, but since we've started using a real tax person, our refunds have been phenomenal! You and yours are TOTALLY worth the fees you charge.

teamstrand said...

i love my CPA too. it drives me nuts that i have to sleep with him and still have to pay in.

Rick the Polonian said...

Moose tracks is the best ice cream ever created. I believe that it is truly a gift from God.

Did Stacy make a pro/con list about your various traits and then accept your proposal?

I am assuming "ability to remember to bring home ice cream" was one of them.

It was what sealed the deal for my marriage proposal.

~teachmom~ said...

Funny, our CPA asks all the "how are you doing?" questions. We don't speak to her while she's working unless she asks us something and tells us she works better when she knows us. We do keep the answers short, btw.


Kelli said...

Stacy, since you posted my favorite postcard (I feel a sin coming on), I thought I should share my favorite tv clip. It's got a classic quote at about time 3:50.

H&R Blockhead said...

After having to sit in the tax office last night until 10:30 I 100% agree with the 'no chit-chat' rule. I was running the front desk last night, and had to listen to the clients and (1st year) preparer chit-chat about: kids, work, the economy, keeping track of tips, kids, etc. Since I can't leave until the lat client leaves, I was stuck there. Cut the chit-chat and let the lady work!!

Here are 3 tips to make your tax experience less painful for all parties involved:
1) Bring all of your documents with you. Yes, you need your 8 month old's Soc. No, I will not make my next client wait a half hour so you can drive home and get said Soc card.
2) If you can't make your appointment, or decided to go elsewhere/e-file/etc, CALL!! I just had 5 people call for an appointment and had to turn them down.
2.5) Actually MAKE an appointment. By now, we can no longer accommodate 'walk-ins'.
3) Most importantly, BE PATIENT.
3.5) 3 phone lines and one of'll be fine on hold for 30 seconds.