Monday, January 26, 2009
The Stacy From Louisville Response to 1954's List
Have ice in abundance in the freezer. This will not make dinner but it will make margaritas easier to assemble. Plan ahead and keep mixer on hand at all times. Immediately after carpool begin nursing your drink to make homework time more enjoyable for all.
Prepare for dinner. Most men are hungry when they come home. So meet him in the driveway, kids in one hand, Margarita in the other. Jump in the car before he knows what hit him. Don't say "hi" or "How was your day?" Men prefer a woman who is direct. He'll appreciate a simple "Applebees. Now." Be sure to tell him how to drive the entire way, he's tired after all, and will probably forget to stop on red and go on green. Warn him not to hit potholes or speed bumps because you will not be responsible for margarita that spills between the seats.
Prepare yourself for his arrival home. Brush your teeth (finally) around 4:30. If he wanted you to be refreshed for his arrival home he should have thought about that before you had that 4th kid. Too late now.
Clear away the clutter. Make a trip to the living room and shove school papers, toys, magazines, stray cheetos, the hamster and empty mixer bottles under the couch cushions. Later, when he mentions the couch is very uncomfortable suggest he hand you the remote and see if he feels better. This is also a good time to remind him you are wanting a new couch. Men like advanced warning of expensive, frivolous purchases that loom on the horizon of the Visa bill. Lucky guy. He'll think you're the cat's pajamas.
Prepare the children. Stick them in front of a DVD or violent video game. Put in earplugs. Read a romance novel and wonder where your life went off course.
Some don'ts: Don't look too good when he comes home. You looked fantastic on your wedding day. More than that is too much to ask. Don't forget your list of broken appliances and children's arguments that need his immediate attention. After all, he needs to know his expertise is valued. Don't forget to point out the TV dinners in the freezer as you waltz yourself upstairs for some "Bible study time". He was at work all day laughing and carousing with co-workers over Hawiian Punch and pillow fights. He's surely ready to come home and do something productive.
The Goal: To lovingly introduce him to the chaos that is your life so he will be more than happy to go to work day after day to provide for the family in every way. Up to and including purchasing a new couch. And a vasectomy.
Is there anything I forgot? Please make your suggestions as swell as possible.
Posted by Stacy from Louisville at 5:36 AM
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