Monday, January 26, 2009

How To Be A Good Wife, Vol. 2

Did you just say margarita?


The Stacy From Louisville Response to 1954's List

Have ice in abundance in the freezer. This will not make dinner but it will make margaritas easier to assemble. Plan ahead and keep mixer on hand at all times. Immediately after carpool begin nursing your drink to make homework time more enjoyable for all.

Prepare for dinner. Most men are hungry when they come home. So meet him in the driveway, kids in one hand, Margarita in the other. Jump in the car before he knows what hit him. Don't say "hi" or "How was your day?" Men prefer a woman who is direct. He'll appreciate a simple "Applebees. Now." Be sure to tell him how to drive the entire way, he's tired after all, and will probably forget to stop on red and go on green. Warn him not to hit potholes or speed bumps because you will not be responsible for margarita that spills between the seats.

Prepare yourself for his arrival home. Brush your teeth (finally) around 4:30. If he wanted you to be refreshed for his arrival home he should have thought about that before you had that 4th kid. Too late now.

Clear away the clutter. Make a trip to the living room and shove school papers, toys, magazines, stray cheetos, the hamster and empty mixer bottles under the couch cushions. Later, when he mentions the couch is very uncomfortable suggest he hand you the remote and see if he feels better. This is also a good time to remind him you are wanting a new couch. Men like advanced warning of expensive, frivolous purchases that loom on the horizon of the Visa bill. Lucky guy. He'll think you're the cat's pajamas.

Prepare the children. Stick them in front of a DVD or violent video game. Put in earplugs. Read a romance novel and wonder where your life went off course.

Some don'ts: Don't look too good when he comes home. You looked fantastic on your wedding day. More than that is too much to ask. Don't forget your list of broken appliances and children's arguments that need his immediate attention. After all, he needs to know his expertise is valued. Don't forget to point out the TV dinners in the freezer as you waltz yourself upstairs for some "Bible study time". He was at work all day laughing and carousing with co-workers over Hawiian Punch and pillow fights. He's surely ready to come home and do something productive.

The Goal: To lovingly introduce him to the chaos that is your life so he will be more than happy to go to work day after day to provide for the family in every way. Up to and including purchasing a new couch. And a vasectomy.

Is there anything I forgot? Please make your suggestions as swell as possible.

20 comments:

Lynn said...

Okay... I love this post. I've read the 1954 version MANY times... and find myself beginning to get a massive headache each time! I figure if I have managed to get dressed AND brush my teeth by the time he gets home, life if good! If I've done both of those AND cooked dinner it is a BANNER DAY! Thanks for the laugh, and the reminder that I am NOT alone!

Beth said...

I told you to quit spying on my house, Stacy!

Karen (KayKay) said...

Hilarious! And unfortunately much more true to my life than the 50's version.

photoqueen said...

Funny stuff! I got married when I was in college, and the campus minister at the college ministry I was involved in gave me a book to read before the wedding.

I think it talked about sex, but honestly, what I remember is that it said that the wife should make sure to look nice for her husband when he gets home from work. At the time I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard.

Now...after having a baby...and not being afraid to admit that I wear the XXXL black stretchy pants I bought when I was pregnant almost EVERY DAY...well, I can maybe see where the author of that book was coming from.

Then again, I think the author was probably a man. And while I don't know about him, I know my man often wears just boxers and forgets to snip random hairs and well, I think he'll be just FINE with my black stretchy pants!

Dog snob said...

ICE!! I knew I was forgetting something...

Julianna said...

So many new reasons to become a stay at home mom. I look forward even more to the day when that can happen . . .

alicia said...

Stacy, i freakin' love you! Just what I needed to start my week. :)

Marni said...

I tried that good wife thing this weekend because the hubs had to work Saturday and I felt bad for him. I decided to cook a huge meal. But I got into the Merlot too early I guess, and even though I made the Manicotti, I forgot to heat it up in the oven. He ate it anyway. What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man...

Kristel said...

This is hilarious!!!
I can't wait to show my husband. ;-)

Bels said...

Stacy, the photo is gorgeous, as always! Thanks for another hilarious post! :)

J-Ra said...

I feel like you shouldn't be driving with a glass of margarita.

I also feel awkward being the first man to comment. Please don't hate me. I'm not a husband yet. Give me time.

Ryan B said...

After reading this, I'm not getting married until I can build a time machine and travel back to 1954. I want the good old days back.

I agree with J-Ra. Awkward

Candace Jean July 16 said...

Awesome, Stacy. I stop at the hospital cafeteria on the days they serve meatloaf (barf) and buy a dinner to go. I plate it up pretty with a sprig of parsley on my best Fiestaware and he thinks I'm the bomb. I just need to find some distractions when he starts asking for leftovers. "Really, the recipe only makes one piece? My mom's used to make a WHOLE LOAF" Well, your mom was a pioneer woman and I'm not.

Stacy from Louisville said...

J-Ra and Ryan,

Guys are so welcome on this site. I have it on good authority there are a good number of hot mamas here at SFL...and I don't only refer to mothers going through menopause. I LOVE having guys read the site. We'll love hearing from you guys next month, too!!

Stacy

BeckeyZ said...

LOVE IT!

And I was wondering if you have hidden cameras in my house or something.

Dang, a margarita sounds mighty tasty about now.

Sarah said...

I've never had a margarita. I'm so deprived!

When I grow up, I want to be Stacy from Louisville. She goes to Applebees. That place rocks.

wv: dulpsig

dulpsig is definitely a foreign language swearword. Just say it in a sentence, like "Whoever wrote that 50's version of How to Be a Good Wife is such a Dulpsig!" you'll know for yourself that it's true.

Anonymous said...

THANK GOODNESS....now I remember where I put the hamster.... ;-D

An Apron Straitjacket said...

Oh my goodness that was brilliant! I wonder how much it would cost to have it tattooed on my forarms as my mantra?

Susan O. said...

Oh honey. You made my day with that photo. I don't even have to read the post yet. I'm saving it for dessert.

Angela said...

Oh man...this may be the funniest thing I've ever seen on your blog. I was stifling laughter the whole time--I'm at work and can't laugh out loud. :)