Monday, January 12, 2009

The Boxer Briefs: Three True Stories About Underwear

The Most Hideous Thing My Mom Almost Said

Sometimes I choose to lie to myself because the truth is too much for me to handle. This is especially true when it comes to my parents. For years I was satisfied with the notion that my parents were in a platonic relationship. I was okay with assuming my sister and I just somehow materialized from thin air into our parents' home. Essentially, I reasoned, they had no reason to even hug other than for an occasional family photo. So imagine my shock when one day I was walking through the mall with my mother. We passed Victoria's Secret and in disgust I said to my mom, "I think thong underwear is so tacky." My mom shrugged and said, "Oh, I don't mind it. I just bought some for your father. He wears them to bed at night." As vomit shot up my esophagus like a broken sprinkler head I yelled, "SICK! OH! SICK! Mom, shut up!" She looked at me like I was crazy, "What? What's wrong?" With my gag reflex fully engaged I managed to choke out, "DAD? You bought THONG underwear for Dad?!" Horrified, my mother said, "LONG underwear! I bought LONG underwear for your father!" Our eyes locked, assessing the weight of the misunderstanding. Though I can't prove it I think I heard her gag a little, too. Somehow that made me feel even better.

Dan Meets My Parents

A few years later I was dating Dan, who is now the lucky, lucky man I call my husband. He was meeting my parents for the first time. He was staying in the guest room in our basement. We were talking about our folks and embarrassing moments. I told him about an incident that happened when I was about 7 years old. My sister and I had been at our grandmother's home that evening until very late. When my sister and I walked in the door of our house there was a Polaroid photo on the banister. I picked it up and looked. It was a photo of my mother. She looked very pretty....posed by the stairs....wearing something black, lacy and slightly see through. My dad whipped that photo from my had so quick I nearly fell off the stairs. I relayed to Dan that all that registered with me at the time was that my mom looked pretty, but now, 14 years later I had a better understanding of....well, you know. Anyway, the next day Dan and I were going through some books in my folk's basement. We flipped through them until Dan said, "Remember that story you told me about the Polaroid?" I nodded. "Did it look anything like this?" he asked, pulling a photo of my mom from the back of an old book. OH MY GOSH! THERE SHE WAS! Scantly clad with big 80s hair and some seductive look in her eyes. AND MY BOYFRIEND FOUND IT!!!! Puke! Gross! But hysterical. We were set to leave that day and my parents were not home. So, I took the picture and gingerly carried it to the master bathroom. I taped it in the center of the mirror. Then I took lipstick and wrote on the mirror, in my best script, "Peek-A-Boo! Is this YOU?" When I returned to college that day there was a message on my machine. It was my mom. She said, "If you two ever get married I'm giving you this picture as a gift." (This June we will celebrate our 10th anniversary. Without the Polaroid.)

Stacy Meets Dan's Parents

Dan's folks live in Florida. Though I had meet them before I had never been at their home. So, during my junior year of college Dan invites me to spend a 3 day weekend with him at his parent's home. I really liked Dan so I was on my best behavior around his folks. Sure they knew I had a sense of humor. But we all know, a sense of humor is one thing, insanity is quite another. So, Dan, his mom and I were at one end of the house. I needed to go to the bathroom but it was occupied. Dan's mom said, "Use the master bath. Knock before you go in our room because Dan's dad is changing." So I proceeded to walk the length of the house to the master bedroom. I knocked on the door. "Come on in!" said the voice from behind the door. So I opened the door....quickly drew in my breath....and made eye contact with Dan's dad....standing across the room in nothing but his briefs. After I threw my hands up to cover my eyes I froze. And started laughing. I didn't even turn around and leave, I didn't know what to do. "I just...(laughing)...I have to....(laughing)....your wife said to knock....(laughing)....I REALLY HAVE TO PEE!" He was laughing too, "Well then go ahead!" I was totally embarrassed and feeling really awkward. I shut and locked the bathroom door. But there was something else they forgot to tell me: the door lock catches so don't lock it or they'd have to take the door off the hinges. Which is exactly what they did after hearing me knock on the door and yell for help from the opposite side of the house.

So now you know more about me than you ever wanted to. And then some.

Last week, between facebook and this site we managed to come up with 50 comments about vomit. Surely we can do just as well if not better on the topic of underwear. So what about you? Got an underwear story you're dying to share? Then by all means, please do.

21 comments:

Jan said...

We were newlyweds and went down to spend the weekend with my parents, at the same time my grandparents were visiting. My dh got up to get a glass a water at the same exact time my grandfather was getting a glass of water, TOTALLY NEKKED! My husband came back to bed traumatized, but I was thankful that it wasn't ME who ran into him in the middle of dimly lit kitchen! Ick!

Donna said...

Boy do I ever have a story....combining underwear, my mom and my then boyfriend (now husband).

When we have Story Family Christmas, the hoards (comprising my six aunts and uncles, 36 first cousins, their spouses and offspring) descend on one of my mother's siblings' houses for a day of fun and food.

The year I introduced my intended to the family at large, we still drew names among the families, and my family had drawn two of my male cousins. My mom has a streak of deviltry in her, and had purchased them bikini underwear and had wrapped them in a red Christmas stocking. Not wanting my intended to feel left out, she purchased him some socks and wrapped them in the same type of stocking.

Her brothers and brothers in law found this out and switched the names on the socks and underwear! I wish I had a photo of the look on my mom's face and a video of how fast she JUMPED over 20 people to snatch the stocking out of his hand when she realized what had been done!

I had warned my intended about such tricks that had been played on family members in the past.....dead fish heads.....smiley faced underwear.....santa teddies.....so he felt accepted right away.

My mom, however, began giving underwear to someone every Christmas after that.......so every year it is an anticipated event to see who is getting it and what it looks like........

The Benge Family said...

On my wedding day I wanted to wear a sexy pair of underwear so I chose a thong. I waited to put it on until I had my dress on.

My photographer came in just after I had put it on because he peeked in the window and saw my mom ironing my dress, while I was in it. I hadn't had a chance to put my other pair of undies down before my mom and the photographer came in. So I've got a picture of my mom ironing my dress with me in it while I am holding what looks like a pretty white rosette or something like that when really it's a pair of grannie undies.

Shawna said...

Ok, so my mom married my stepfather when I was 11yrs old. For all practical purposes he is my dad today - the only dad I know.

Needless to say having married in his 40's he had been a bachelor for a LONG time. So modesty was his thing. I had to be dressed to walk around the house - which today I appreciate - and he never exited his room without shirts and pants or shorts. Always dressed.

So our first vacation together was a REAL eye-opener! Our trip to the gulf was changed because of a hurricane instead we went to Arkansas. We all stayed in one room at a Holiday Inn - my parents sharing a bed and my brother and I sharing the other.

At bedtime, my dad makes sure we're all in bed and he turns off the light so he can remove his pants and get in bed with momma. At the same time - probably Divine Intervention - my brother turns on the light to reveal my daddy in his bikini cut underwear!!!

Today he's 75 years old and he still wears them! I've gotten past the grossness of it - Maybe.

Marni said...

I used to be deep in the trenches of youth ministry. I absolutely adored it!!

One of my kids was a hoot of a young man named Tim. He was so sweet and kind and you just wouldn't expect a prank from him which made it all the more awesome when he pulled one.

About 6 or so years ago, we're all on a youth group ski trip and a kid new to our youth group was on the trip with us. We bunked the kids 6 to a cabin and two to a bed. So Tim is bunked with the new guy. Tim goes in the bathroom and puts on two pairs of boxers and some sweats.

He comes to bed, crawls in with new guy and says "Dude it's hot, I'm taking off my sweats, but no worries, I have on boxers." New guy is all "No problem man". A few minutes later, Tim is "Dude, it's still hot in here." As he's under the covers, he shimmies off the first pair of boxers and flings them across the room leaving new guy to think he's now naked in the bed with him. New guy FLEES from the bed AND the cabin and a good time was had by all ;)

Jeff said...

THere are no words.... just a lot of spewing and gasping for breath...

Stacy from Louisville said...

Marni -
You made my husband - the focused CPA in the throws of tax season - laugh out loud. I can't even do that. Wow.

Anonymous said...

One Christmas I got a lovely present from my sister-in-law. It contained several kitchen utensils I had been wanting and a foil-wrapped package marked "spicy - use with caution." Knowing her wonderful cooking abilities, I gently unwrapped the item expecting an exotic spice of some sort. Instead I found sequined thong underwear. I never did thank you properly for that, did I STACY?!?

Stacy from Louisville said...

It's true! That's my wonderful sister in law. Apparently she spells her name "Anon" these days.

BeckeyZ said...

My mom came back from my grandmothers funeral with little remembrances for my siblings and myself. Most of them got a little clown (she collected clowns) or nik-nak of some kind.

Well, I got something really special. She brought me her bra extenders. Yeah, the little strip of elastic with hooks on it that makes your bra bigger for you. I can't even begin to tell you how thrilled I was. I think I cried myself to sleep that night.

My husband thought it was funny.

Lenna said...

HA-LAIR-EE-US! Have no idea why I just wrote hilarious like that... Anyway, thanks so much for making my day, Stacy! I laughed so hard I almost peed, which would've been an underwear story - so, next time, make me laugh harder, okay?
Anyway, I LOVED this post - and I think I loved the comments just as much, if not more! Amazing - thanks everyone, and, above all, thanks Stacy for facilitating such mature and deep conversation. It touches my heart.
Unfortunately, I also have an underwear story to share. When I was younger - maybe 14 - I was playing with my little sisters. We were pretending to be rock stars and, for some reason, were wearing underwear on our heads. Our Mum had been out shopping, so when I heard the doorbell I went down to open it for her, with the undies still adorning my head, only to find that it was not my Mum at the door - but the (young, handsome) postman delivering a parcel! 'Nuf said. I've never blushed so red in my life, nor whipped undies off my head at such a terrifying speed...

thisgirlsjourney said...

Oh you are sooooo lucky that your dad wears long underwear, not thong underwear.... I'm unfortunately not so lucky and I'm pretty sure my sister once caught him sunbathing in it on an isolated part of the beach. And he was in his 50s. Ew.

Then again, I've found photos of my parents in similar poses too when I was about seven. The strange thing is they weren't polaroids but film photos - have they no shame? Like you, I was an adult before I really realised the implications!

Beth E. said...

Okay...the thong story had me laughing so hard that I almost shot the popcorn I was eating through my nose! Too funny!

When our boys were little, we came home late from a church event. I hurriedly got the boys into bed, then went to our bedroom to get ready for bed myself. I had just removed my underwear, standing totally naked, when I heard our BR door open, then quickly shut. Knowing the culprit was probably our youngest son (3 yrs. at that time), I went into his bedroom. "Bo, did you open the door to Mama's and Daddy's bedroom just now?"

"Don't worry, Mama," he replied, "The only BROWN thing I saw was the dresser." Eeeeeeeeek!!!! We locked the doors from that point, on!

I loved your post. :o)

Dog snob said...

I don't have any stories, but I have to say, those were great!! I'm laughing so hard right now just picturing it all.

interestedparty29 said...

Just because we have several decades worth of birthdays doesn't mean that little brothers don't mortify big sisters anymore. A few years ago we flew down to visit my siblings. My mom asked my brother and me to make a grocery store run. While there, the subject of "boxer briefs" came up and I commented that I just didn't see how underwear could possibly be a combination of the two. Much more to embarrass me than to educate me, my shameless 40-something brother proceeded to unbuckle, unzip, and partially lower his jeans to show me what boxer-briefs looked like. While being worn. In the frozen foods aisle.
I'm still red.

Emily said...

When my sister was 7, she put on all of her undies to see if she could pee through them all (she most certainly could). Does that count?

Griffith Family said...

Laughing to tears!!!!! Love this post!

Julianna said...

Wow.

The office I was working at before my husband I got married decided to throw us a shower. They decided that this would be for things for him since women get to do that most of the time. There were only 4 of us working there so they decided to invite his parents and his brother and sister-in-law (who I was living with at the time). My husband is opening things like tools and kitchen stuff (he is the cook in our house). Then he gets to the gift from his brother. Inside a tool box (I think) was some thong underwear. All of us laughed hysterically except my husband. He was SOOO embarrassed!!

I also had a church shower and a friend of mine decided to not wait for a personal shower and gave me some lingerie at my church shower with my future mother-in-law sitting right across from me as I was opening gifts. Some women would not be weird about that - she would. I was about as red as red could be.

jake - aka the comment novelist said...

Shortly after my brother got married, my mom gave a huge pile of clothes to my sis-in-law (neatly stacked, cause we're all OCD). She had cleaned out her closet of what she didn't or couldn't wear anymore.

So my brother, my sis-in-law and I are standing in the kitchen while my sis-in-law is sorting through the stack.

She suddenly flops all the shirts back down onto the pile and turns beet red, which of course just catches our attention even more.

Turns out one of the items mom had given her was her old teddy...

I still shudder just thinking about it. Until I bring it up to my brother, at which point I laugh hysterically at his dry heaves!

bman said...

Wow. Look at all this fun I'm missing! I feel semi-responsible for your not reaching 50+ comments this time, so, here it goes, I've got two!

My Wife
My wife and I had dated for nearly 5 years, and she and my parents had always been close due to youth groups and such. Well, a week or two (I'm pretty sure) before our wedding, she was getting a ride to a church event from my dad. That's the time he chose to give her "the talk."
Yeah. The talk. I should probably be embarrassed for her... or my dad... but I can't help but laugh!

My Sister-in-law
For Christmas, my sister-in-law's doing some shopping in the mall and is meeting her newly acquired (as of March) mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law for lunch in the Food Court. Well, sister-in-law had gone to Victoria's Secret beforehand and sits down at the table with mom-in-law and grandma-in-law. Mom says, "What'd you get?"
Embarrassed, sister says, "Nothing you'd want to see..."
Shockingly (mind you, this mom-in-law is very classy, and this is completely out-of-character), mom says, "I just want to make sure my son is happy."

HAHA!

Oh man those are awesome. Best part is... they aren't me!

(Sidenote: I wonder how many hyphenated words I just used!?)

wv: redneste

"My daddy is my grandpa!" (Is that too far? What else could it be?)

J-Ra said...

I'm part of a college ministry and every year we go camping up in northern AZ. Usually, a group of guys will go up early to set up camp and have some good male bonding time.
So, my friend Tim is standing there, holding tent poles, waiting for us to actually start being productive. I notice he's wearing sports shorts. I also notice there are no girls around to be offended.
So, I sneak up behind him and pull down his shorts... and his boxers. Luckily for him, it was dark and only one person was looking in his direction anyway. But, now people fear wearing loose shorts around me.