IDAHO! IDAHO! IDAHO!

A couple of people from Idaho have visited me, but I don't know who. Well, I would love to personally welcome you to Stacy From Louisville. We have a grand old time nearly once a week ranting and raving. If you leave your name and tell me your city in Idaho I'll send you a very fantastic gift. Really, when was the last time your computer hugged you? I say it's about time you got the recognition you deserve.

Tickled to meet you,
Stacy

Good Taste, Pigs Feet & 1-888-RU-MY-DAD?

My BFF from Arizona, Lady Arbonne, thinks I sold my soul to The Sticks when I moved to Kentucky. She makes jokes about the still in our back yard and wonders which days of the week we have electricity. Oh, how she mocks me. But don't hate on Lady Arbonne. Yes, she may be an elitist with her golden, diamond studded cactus in her back yard, but let's be frank. It's not really a back yard, it's a desert. What's more, I know for a fact that lots of people in Arizona wish they had a little Bluegrass from time to time. Why else would they spray paint their graveled front yards green? I'm not making it up. This just proves that no matter where you go bad taste is no respecter of geography.

It's true, I may live in a state once known more for inbreeding than horse breeding, but still, Louisville is a nice place to live. Louisville is smooshed right up against the border of Indiana. This makes Kentucky an even mixture of both Yankee and Confederate cultures. We're a bunch of Conyankates, if you will. Which only means we're confused about whether or not to root for Basketball or Nascar, listen to Chicago or Lynard Skynard, highlight our mullet or tease it with a pick before we apply Aquanet. (Oh, if I had a dollar for every time I walked in to church only to hear, "Hey! The 80s called. They want their bangs back!") But I digress.

Like I said, bad taste is everywhere. It was never more evident than in a recent trip to the grocery store. I’ll have you know that though I have love for most major grocery store chains, my preference typically falls to stores named anything other than Wal-Mart. The smiley face roll-backs are nice, I’ll give them that. Yet the fact still remains: Wal-Mart is where all unrepentant produce goes when it dies. That’s right, Wal-Mart is vegetable hell, and then some.

When I went grocery shopping this weekend I saw some things that literally made me take a second look. And wouldn't you know it, I had my camera with me. So, let's see what Kentucky has to offer in terms of good taste...

1) Pigs Feet, Pork Hocks, and Pickled Eggs


Notice that prices are very reasonable for what I'm sure is cultural delicacy. Also notice that the shelves are partially empty, which means somebody named "Cousin Daddy" is having one screamin' tailgate party right about now.

2) Pigs Feet: A Closer Look

Upon closer inspection it seems that the Pigs Feet Value Pack seems to be oozing. (I think I feel throw up climbing up my throat so let's move on.)

3) Lard Needs No Refrigration!

For a mere $4.43 you can purchase 64 oz. of lard. Considering that vegetable oil only yields 48oz. and costs nearly $3 I think its pretty clear where the value lies. To tell the truth I'm not sure if lard has trans fats, but I am positive it has no carbs. Which is nice. If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me, "Stacy, what do you do with lard?" I'd have 75 whole cents in my pocket. Why only 75 cents? I spent the other 25 cents on an unwrapped jaw breaker from a guy selling them out of his pocket for the Lion's Club. (Fuzzy Navel is my favorite flavor to date.)

4) The Bubba Keg



As a general rule I try not to purchase anything named "Bubba". To me it's just poor form. (I appologize to you in advance if your name is Bubba. And I offer my condolences.) The Bubba Keg can be purchased for less than $5. In fantasy land, where unicorns and talking swans have pillow fights in poppy fields, we could pretend that this 52 oz. beauty is for holding beverages like Kool-Aide or even Matamucial. But unfortunately, we all know the Bubba Keg is meant for more sinful beverages: like beer or Satan Water, if you will. Though I'm not an expert on alcohol I happen to know that this keg will hold five whole beers. Let's say this together: "Wow. That's a lot of beer." So that means that with one full Bubba Keg some poor college student is only 52 completely blitzed ounces away from needing this.....

5) The DNA Paternity Test Collection Kit from IDENTIgene


That's right. Sold in my local gorcery store is Armageddon in a Box. For only $13.99 plus tax you have all you need to collect DNA. Send it off with a check for $119 flat and you have iron clad paternity test results. The back of the box is nice, too. It has two full paragraphs explaining why paternity is a good thing to determine. Especially if your chld is ugly. Come on, let's place blame where blame is do.

So there you have it. The best Louisville has to offer, from Pigs Feet to paternity. But I'm not too worried about the demise of my city. I used to live in Indianapolis, where you can find ample signs that read, "1-888-RU-MY-DAD?" I moved to Louisville where we're more refined. At we least keep our indescresion in a box, on the shelf, at the local grocery store, where God intended.

You know you want to say something about this one...

"Dear Stacy" Tackles Sleep Deprivation

Dear Stacy,
I have a two year old and a one year old. Will I ever catch up on sleep?

Sara

Dear Sara,
I have a 4 year old and a 7 year old. I think I can say with relative certainty that, yes, you will catch up on your sleep. When you are dead.

Rest In Peace,
Stacy

Oh! Ah! SFL Trash Can of Terrific Sneek PeeK

Here it is my friends, The Trash Can of Terrific, in all its glory. Notice the "Hottie" magnet thrown in to sweeten the whole deal. And there are more surprises awaiting you. Really makes you want to come up with another reason to love Idaho, doesn't it? Well, it's not too late! There's still time for you to post to your heart's content. I do have some bad news, though. When I went to the store to purchase the trash cans they were out and I had to settle for a pencil cup. But don't hate on me. God's favorite desk accessory, next to your senior picture of course, is a pencil cup. That's where He keeps His long feathery writing plume and parchment post its. Oh, and another thing, I decided to change the rules - instead of 2 prize levels, they're all top notch Trash Cans of Terrific! I'm just so excited that I had to share the love and go a little overboard with my first giveaway. I hit nearly every clearance bin Wal-Mart had to offer - only the best of the best for SFL readers!!!

Contest ends tonight at midnight, eastern standard time. Get your thinking cap on and let's love on Idaho!!!!

"Dear Stacy" Tackles Insomnia

Dear Stacy, I have insomnia. Please help! I find myself reading this blog and the SCL blog because I laugh, which is much better than the alternative of laying in bed and cursing. (I don't think Jesus is a big fan of my new potty-mouth habit! :) Help! Kelli

Dear Kelli,
I too have wrestled with insomnia. Strangely, however, it didn't cause cursing. I already had that habit firmly established. I would recommend one of the following:

1) Enter Bible College. Nothing will put you to sleep faster than a mandatory chapel service or a Church History lecture given by a man who actually met Moses. Trust me, I know.

2) Invest in a large rubber mallet. When you can't sleep hit yourself in the head. There's nothing like a good concussion to send you off to dream land.

3) Have a baby.
Ever notice how new moms are always begging for more sleep? They don't struggle with insomnia at all. Just think - from conception to giving birth (which is the equivalent of squeezing a watermelon through a paper towel tube) is enough to make anyone sleepy. Then the real fun begins. Changing diapers, teething, scrubbing spit up out of your clothes, being up all hours of the night. Trust me, you will no longer have any insomnia. HOWEVER, if you are not married this is very bad advice. In fact, if you're not married and you're reading this - no matter who you are - cinch up your chastity belt and go pray. Before you know it slick chested visions of Fabio might cause you to stumble. And not only would that be sinful, it would also be just plain gross.

4) Think up 4 crazy reasons why you love Idaho. For example, my sister, who is 37% funnier than I am said, "I like Idaho because it's not pronounced 'Imaho'." She makes a good point. But why do YOU love Idaho? You could win some kleenex with nuns printed on them that say, "God Bless You". And who doesn't love a consecrated tissue during cold and flu season??

Kelli, I hope this helps!

Pleasant Dreams,
Stacy

Any other advice for Kelli????

SFL's FIRST CONTEST! YOU COULD WIN BIG!!!!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head were the synthetic vegans that rocked my childhood toy box. Like many children of the '70s I would sit for hours, probably picking my nose, while dressing the Mr. and Mrs. for various work and Happy Hour functions. It smelled all new and plasticity, a mixture that today would be called asbestos, PVC, and lead. Ahhhhhh. Catch a whiff of that retro spud love. It didn't matter that all the nose picking made me a bit of a preschool outcast. I had a plastic mustache to stick in the orifice of a fake root vegetable. I wanted for nothing. (And yes, I have always been just that spectacular.)

But my love for potatoes didn't end there. For years I have been a faithful consumer of nearly any potato product. Fried, mashed, baked, Au gratin, roasted, curly fires, tots, twice baked, chips. In soups, stews, pot pies, casseroles, shepherd's pie. With roast beef, lamb chops, baked chicken, fish, and pickled bologna. Potatoes with cheese, sour cream, butter, garlic, bacon, onions, olive oil, gravy, ketchup, salt, pepper, paprika. Need I go on? Friends, it's a love affair that won't be ending anytime soon.

And where do the best potatoes come from? Well, Idaho, of course. I have it on good authority that at least one of my thigh bulges represents about 2.6 farmer's yearly income from potato sellage. So, accounting for all the bulges, you'd think the entire state would be grappling to thank me. But, sadly, no.

It has been an entire month of posts for this little ol' blog. In that entire month I have heard from every state in The Union, save one: Idaho. That's right, not even one person from Idaho has stopped by Stacy From Louisville. But why?

This blog has been read in some crazy awesome countries. I gotta give a shout out to Tanzania, Uruguay, Egypt, Japan, Hawaii, Australia (a country and a continent all wrapped into one Aboriginal package), Mexico, most of the Canadas, France, England, and Fiji. Hey guys! I heart you!!!

But still, no Idaho. What do I have to do to get some Idaho love? Well, having a contest is probably the best route, so here we go.

The Stacy From Louisville Idaho Love Contest, or The SFLILC 2008.

There will be 3 winners, and 2 different ways to win. Here they are:

1) Leave a comment on my site listing what you love most about Idaho. Even if you've never been there I must believe you can come up with something. You can list up to 4 things you love about Idaho, even if it's completely nutty or unfounded. For every reason you love Idaho - that isn't already mentioned in another comment - your name will go into a hat. On Friday of this week I will randomly draw one name from the hat and that person will win. This is prize level I.

2) Now for the big guns. If you know someone from Idaho, have them log onto this post at my site. All they have to say is, "Hi Stacy. I live in Idaho. (your user name here) told me to stop by." Then, your name and your friend's name go into a hat (on the same piece of paper) and I will randomly select one set. Once the names are selected I will publish a post of the results on Friday by noon, eastern standard time. To verify that said person is actually from Idaho I will ask him or her to send a street address (I won't publish the address!) so I can send the gift. This is prize level II.

So what do you win?

Prize levels I and II will both receive what I call "The Trash Can of Terrific". Yes, I know that sounds super unbelievable, but just wait till I tell you what's in it. The trash can itself is about 8 inches tall, and every winner gets one. (Extravagant, I know.) Levels I and II will receive a package of Kleenex that has a nun printed on each tissue with a caption that says, "God Bless You" and some wicked sarcastic Happy Bunny Stickers. Level II winners will also receive 3 whole packets of Kool-Aid, 2 Fisher-Price Little People, a snack size bag of potato chips, and some other mind blowing amazingness that's too good to mention.

You have until midnight, eastern standard time on Thursday to play. Once the names are selected I will publish a post of the results on Friday by noon, eastern standard time.

So come on SFL fans. Let's love on Idaho.

On your mark...
Get set....
Comment!!!....

When Marriage Disappoints: A Follow Up

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. It's easy to look at people around us and think they've got it all together - they hold hands, seem to be attentive, have people into their home...I could go on. But what happens behind closed doors, when the hand holding stops and the guests go home? The fact is, we just don't know. Though many couples look perfect there can be a storm brewing below the surface that could take the whole marriage down should the tides change.

When I wrote "Since When Are Men Stupid? (Confessions of a Not-So-Trophy Wife)" , I knew it would create discussion. What I didn't realize is that it would stir up serious pain. So far we're up to 16 comments with over 300 people having read the post to this point. So there are a few personal things I'd like to clarify and make some recommendations.

Know that the person writing to you is someone who has been there, done that. Though I am ashamed to admit it, there was a time I seriously contemplated divorce. The longer I contemplated it the worse my attitude became, and the more selfish I became. With my own hands I fed the beast of spite one minute, then ran to the corner to sharpen my weapons of hurt and insult the next. It's embarrassing to admit but it must be said: I was no husband's dream come true.

It took a craptastical amount of work to clean up the mess that we called our marriage. Admittedly, most of it was of my own doing, but we both fed the beast at times. We still struggle with those same habit patterns today, but there's one big difference: I know this is the marriage God wants for me, but it's up to me to be responsible for my attitude and actions.

If you have been walked on by a spouse and you read these words I'm sure they sting like pouring alcohol on a fresh wound. The compassion I carry in my heart for you is immense, and it comes from knowing what it's like to be the spouse that created havoc in her home. You may be wondering what happened to make me change the way I treated Dan. One word: conviction.

Dan could not do that for me.

The church could not do that for me.

Friends could not do that for me.

God would not let me go. I fought Him. I told Him to leave. I was always angry. But one day it was all too much and I couldn't take it anymore - being separated from God's will, that is.

Whatever your situation know that God is at work, even if you can't see it. Know it. Thank Him for it. You are not alone. God knows your pain better than you do. He knows your spouse better than you do. He knows what will make your marriage better.

In my limited ability to give advice I would suggest you seek out one or more of the following:

1) Find Biblically based Christian counseling. Even if your spouse refuses to go you can still go by yourself. You need someone to talk to who has seen the best and worst of marriage. Trust me, there is nothing you can tell a good Christian counselor that will shock him or her. Yes, it will be painful to recount your story but it's better to do it now instead of putting it off. Ask your counselor for strategies to unify you and your spouse. If your church does not offer a counseling program or if it's too close for comfort, try other congregations in your area.

2) Tell someone with a strong marriage about your struggle. Maybe there is an older couple in your church who has a strong marriage. Chances are there marriage is strong because they've gone through some trenches together. Again, it won't be easy to share your junk but it's better to do it now before things get worse.

3) Read Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, or even better get the DVDs. This guy is straight forward and speaks marriage in a way that both men and women love what he has to say. He is insanely practical. I recommend the DVDs because your spouse may check out on reading a book but might be more willing to watch a DVD. I can't say enough about how powerful this marriage training is - Dan and I loved it. We recommend it to everyone. Click here to link to amazon.com for a review. Also, two insanely fabulous books, "For Women Only" and "For Men Only", are the best little marriage books you've probably never read. Shockingly eye-opening. Click here to jaunt over to Amazon and check them out, too. If you can't afford them, try your church or local library. These are 3 books that you will devour. (And as a side note, don't buy these books for your spouse and say, "Here. You need this." Buy it for yourself. You work on you, let God be God to your spouse.) If you can recommend other books please leave a comment.

4) Pray. It cannot be overstated the power of prayer. A hard prayer to pray is, "God help me to understand my spouse before I ask you to help him/her understand me." HARD PRAYER. But these things don't come easy and they are worth fighting for so pray.

5) Study God's Word. Join a Bible study, an accountability group, or read alone. When you are growing in Christ God will change you, regardless of your spouse. Let God's Word permeate your being and see what happens.

For now this is the best advice I can give. Something else you may want to keep in mind is God's plan for your life and marriage. It is completely possible to overcome any circumstances in Christ. How will God use you and your spouse in the future to be real with other struggling couples? It's possible, because all things are possible in Christ. That's right - ALL THINGS.

Whether you're on a high note in your marriage or swimming up stream I think there are two question every one of us can answer:

The worst thing you can do in a marriage is..... -OR- The best thing I've learned about making marriage work is.....

OK, I'll go first. "The worst thing you can do to your marriage is seperate yourself from God." & "The best thing I've learned about making marriage work is to remind myself that my spouse is not my worst enemy. Satan is."

Now it's your turn. I'm anxious to read what you have to say!

p.s. It is essential that I point out that I am not addressing situations where physical abuse of any kind is involved. In such cases, don't be a hero. Get help now. (Special thanks to Andrea who reminded me of this point.) Here's an article from "Today's Christian Woman" that speaks to this issue.

Super Sarcastic Comment of the Day

And the award goes to....

Blogger Vanilla said...
Wow. That sounds like a real train wreck. Your life must really suck. I hate that for you."

[pats on the back]


Vanilla, you tracked me down in the comments section at Stuff Christians Like. You took my sass mouth comment and used it against me. Way to dish it, Brother!

Hopefully you're not appalled by having your rugged mug featured on this here blog. The world is a better place today because of Vanilla. Rock on.

Who knows who will be exploited on my blog tomorrow? Sass me and maybe, if you're lucky, it'll be you. I've got nothin' but love for you, readers. Nothin' but love.

p.s. I have learned how to make a link! I think I just tipped the scales of the universe. Woah. The power.

Experiencing Technical Difficulties

OK, maybe not exactly "technical" difficulties, but Momicla difficulties if you know what I mean. But there's hope for both of us on the horizon: Today is preschool, a day when the heavens open up and sing, giving me some time off. And a chance to catch up with you, and I have a lot to say today. So prepare yourself.

I swear if I get a phone call that someone is throwing up and needs to come home early I will move out. But not until after tomorrow, which is pay day.

If you say my son is adorable I might have to agree but take more meds all at the same time. I'm a walking quagmire, people.

While you're here why don't you add yourself to my list of "Really Cool People Who Rock My Blog"? You know I appreciate you. You're the only ones who don't tune me out after 2 sentences. Or maybe you do. Either way, it's a super fantastical way to get your mug out there for all the world to see. Who knew you were this famous???

It's not very technical. When you're done you can call your parents. Tell them the college tuition was well spent.

Catch ya later....

"Dear Stacy" Answers Your Questions

There are many confused people roaming this great big world of ours. Some are lonely. Some are down and out. Some can't coordinate their clothes to save their souls. What's to become of mankind if there isn't an intervention? Someone who cares, a voice of reason for troubled times? You know, someone with a blog that's filled with sage wisdom, handed down from the great thinkers of our time. Aren't these the questions that keep you up at night?

Well, fret no more, my friend! Hope rises on the horizon in a big sunny ray of light called "Dear Stacy". That's right; I'm here to lend a manicured hand to those wrestling with the pressing inconsistencies of life.

Though I can't balance a checkbook, I am rather astute at offering advice. In fact I have a friend who told me that if she ever needed advice I'd be the last person she called. Which only proves the age old adage, "It's always in the last place you look." (And like I've alluded to before, "it's" all about me anyway.)

I'd like to demonstrate exactly what I mean. In the comments section of Stacy from Louisville I found two lost souls, each wandering a different path, desperate for counsel. Never mind that neither one really wanted my input. The fact is, God used this situation to hone my skills, as I'm sure you will soon see...

Dear Stacy,
I'm swimming like crazy trying to escape the pull of the women's ministry vortex of death. I'm the part-time minister of music's wife (the music is part time, not the wife) in what to me is a tiny church. Kinda hard to avoid the questions (as to why I'm avoiding the meetings), but so far, so good. They meet during the Sunday evening service, so my "preference" hasn't been an issue. If they ever change the time, I'm toast. Why does women's ministry have to be so stinkin' sweet? Sometimes life is just plain stinkin'. And you bet I'm anonymous on this one.

Stacy from Louisville said...

Dear Anon,
You're caught between a rock and a hard place. (I like to say that because it's so fresh and I'm cool like that) If you ever even think they're going to change the times (your women's group meets) I would immediately start volunteering somewhere. Even if you have to shake hands during flu season as an unpaid, unofficial Wal-Mart greeter, so be it. Then you can tell people, "I would love to go to women's group but I have been spending time with the elderly." Seriously, you will become a saint.

0-~,
Stacy


Dear Stacy,
I'm moving to Zambia (where it rains a LOT) and now I'm thinking about getting some of my own salvation pants ~ perhaps in bright, obnoxious pink with rhinestone accents?
Hilarious post! Keep em’ coming!
Gabriele


Gabriele,
Since I am not sure why you are moving to Zambia I can't adequately advise you on fashion dos and don'ts. But lack of information has never stopped me from handing out my 2 cents so here you go. To make the pink salvation pants work I would suggest paring them with a form fitting black turtleneck and a silver rope choker necklace. Top it all off with lots of eyeliner and a black beret and voila! Sex in the City meets Salvation Pants in Zambia. It's like I always say, if you don't look good, Jesus don't look good.

0-~,
Stacy

So there you have it. Two whole people whose lives were changed from my wisdom. Still have doubts? Look at it this way: Right now there is someone walking the streets of Zambia rockin’ some hot pink waist-high waiders and making a huge fashion statement. As I’m sure you know, there are some places in the world where they don’t take Americans seriously. I shudder to think what might have happened if I wouldn’t have intervened.

Now all this wisdom is available at your fingertips. I’m here to HELP YOU. Stuck in a quandary? Tell me about it. Confused by something in church culture? Let me help. Need a sermon illustration? I did go to Bible College, after all, which makes me a professional in this area too. Whatever your conundrum, concern, or controversy, I’ve got nothin’ but love for you. This is my calling, dear reader. (Yes, all one of you…) Dare I day it’s my life’s mission. All this and spoofing 80s lyrics wrapped in one penitent package. Who knew?

Just so you know, there is no charge for my services. I reject the notion that “You only get what you pay for”. Here at Stacy From Louisville, I like to say “The best things in life are free” (Excluding my Christmas gifts, of course.) So let me help you. Leave you question or comment. Much like an unofficial Wal-Mart greeter I know, you’ll be glad you did.

Depending on whether or not all 3 of you reading this today leave a question you’ll be seeing my answers in the form of an entire post in the days and weeks to come. Is that service or what? Now, should your situation be urgent, please let me know. Far be it from me to have you suffer needlessly. Oh, yes, you’re in good hands

“Dear Stacy” is just a few clicks away. How can I help you today????