Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Celebrate Earth Day!

Today I encourage you to celebrate Earth Day. In case you're having trouble coming up with ideas you can borrow one of mine. Be sure to leave your suggestions in the comments section.

1. Flush the toilet every 5 minutes.
2. Dispense 70 gallons of gasoline into 2 liter bottles, making sure to top them off until gas sprays out.
3. Throw coal at endangered birds.
4. Make out with a logger.
5. Ask total strangers, "Did you just fart? Your methane emission offends me."
6. Soak canvas bags in oil. Set them on fire while you picket Whole Foods.
7. At Starbucks order a "Styrofoam Latte" with a shot of natural gas.
8. Uproot trees.
9. Open all the windows to your home and set the thermostat to 86 degrees.
10. Take the kids to McDonald's drive through. Throw wrappers out the car windows as you travel to your destination.
11. Detach your muffler.
12. Burn tires instead of candles.
13. Fill recycling bins with glitter.
14. Set washing machine to "extra large load" then do laundry one piece of clothing at a time. Dry them the same way.
15. Give up old rags and use disposable diapers to clean up household messes.
16. Print this post 700 times.
17. Fill plastic grocery bags with car emissions. Hand them out at the park as balloons.
18. Drink 6 packs of soda at the beach. Clean up by throwing plastic connector rings and empty cans off the pier.
19. Help control the pet population. Have your panda spayed or neutered.
20. Let your Hummer idle in the carpool lane.


Helen said...

I am all for recycling and being good stewards of the Earth. But Earth Day? Don't you think the other planets get jealous? Especially Venus. Mars never notices these things (he hasn't even bought Earth a card yet), but Venus is stewing about when her special day is going to be announced.....
I will celebrate Earth Day when Pluto is given back his rightful place in the solar system, no longer discriminated against as a "trans-Neptunian object" and every planet has a day to call their own. Until then, the celebration of Earth Day only brings to mind the injustice done to other celestial bodies orbitting the Sun, and the preferential treatment given to Earth in this particular planetary system.

Misfit in Paradise said...

I have been listening to them cut down trees with a chain saw on Glenn Beck.

vanilla said...

replace all those low-wattage fluorescent bulbs with real incandescent lights. at least you'll be able to see what you're doing.

Anonymous said...

you're hilarious, lol.

Tricia said...

I LOVE IT!! Don't get me wrong, I don't want to kill the planet but I am about up to here with all the "Green" stuff. Thanks for the laugh!

Tobyhanna, PA

Anonymous said...

I think I'm going to go hunting for Endangered Species of birds while wearing lots of hairspray (WITH CFC's in the can!) and maybe, JUST MAYBE if I'm lucky, I can get enough ocean-front homeowners here in Myrtle Beach to leave all their lights on so those darn sea turtles won't "dig the dark"!

WV: ente - when you finish drinking all of those cans of soda, make sure you throw your 'entes' out on the side of the road today!

Meghan T.
Myrtle Beach, SC

Tasty said...

LOVE IT! Love YOU, as well!

Carroll said... almost made me spit my drink all over my desk!

katdish said...

Perfection. (The Whole Foods one made me laugh out loud.)

Did you ever see the video after the Exxon Valdez spill where they spend millions of dollars to clean the oil off of all the animals, then they had a big production about setting this seal (I think it was a seal) free?

Soon after it was released, a killer whale came up and swallowed him up - all caught on camera. Now THAT's ironic! Kind of sad, but seriously...

Rick the Polonian said...

In Missouri, rattlesnakes are a "protected species". Not in my yard, they aren't.

I like to drive with the heat on and the windows down in the winter.

I like to drive with the AC on and the windows down in the summer.

I work for a railroad, and 80% of business is hauling coal.

When the railroad has an oil or gas spill (due to the fact that most of the engines we use date back to the 60's), they cover it with rocks and hope no one in the EPA notices.
We have a pigeon problem at work. One year, they poisoned them. It made everything smell bad. The next year, they had a guy catch them in giant nets and take them to Texas for a skeet shoot.

Yay environment.

Christina said...

"Make out with a logger"

Bahahahahaha. I come from a region of Canada where the male population is about 50% loggers (or at least involved in the lumber/pulp & paper industry in some form) and I wouldn't advise it. But I suppose if you care about the earth you have to make sacrifices...

Ryan B said...

I agree with Helen. I will not celebrate until Pluto is reinstated as a planet.

MajorMike said...

I refuse to celebrate until they get these bats out of my belfry. Oh.... wrong holiday.

Miss W said...

As an Environmental Science teacher, this really hurts me to read. But it was still hilarious. Now I must cleanse by washing all my used ziploc bags and re-using them.

wv: faivet. "SFL is my faivet blog. Don't tell Jon."

cwatts said...

Pull tissues from the box and immediately dispose while reciting "The Earth loves me, the Earth doesn't love me". Continue until the the Earth makes a definitive declaration. said...

Once I worked in an office and needed extra table space in my cubicle. I knew it would be a hassle to try to get any furniture, so I ordered paper printouts of documents from the computer department till I had enough stacks of computer printout to make a table. That was about six stacks of paper two feet high.
So I did my share of promoting global warming.

As I point out in my blog, the current emphasis on global warming obscures a more important problem that can affect our weather.

teamstrand said...

you're a dork.

a really funny, cute dork.

Stacy from Louisville said...

I resemble that remark.