Thursday, December 18, 2008

What's Your Worst Christmas Gift Ever?

You know how I feel about class and culture on my blog. But do you have any idea the lengths to which I'll go to bring you such quality? It's not uncommon for me to sift through merchandise at Stumpy's Food Mart, only to second guess what I should purchase. I lay in bed at night, tossing and turning to answer this pivotal question: Is it TACKY enough? Do you know how hard it is to decide between a pooping reindeer candy dispenser and pickled eggs, harvested fresh from the jar by Buzz, the hairy gas station attendant?

So, it is in this vein, that I simply must tell you all - I'm sorry, but the pressure was too much. I won't be purchasing Christmas gifts for all of you this year.

But I will do the next best thing by showing you what I was going to send. I hope you like it.




Don't leave yet! I have a question. What is the worst Christmas gift you've ever received? Go ahead and dish. I won't tell.

P.S. I'll meet you over at SCL tomorrow morning for a good scoop of crazy. Come on, you know you want to...

27 comments:

Mandy Leech said...

That would be a four way tie between the Hot Chocolate maker, the Skookie (skillet cookie) maker, the Chocolate Fondue pot, or the Pizza cooker/oven thingie. None of which got used. I have an oven, and I have a microwave. I really don't know what more to say bout those things....except that they didn't spend very much time in my house....

heartafire said...

Mandy Leech, you're my hero. I am SO WITH YOU!!
My mother-in-law has ordered me every single cooking thing QVC sells....the pasta steamer (thanks but I've got a big pot and a colander), a toaster oven (thanks but I've got a toaster and an oven, and little people with tiny hands that don't need to be fried off by Sunbeam, thank you), a George Foreman grill (got a Webster out on the deck), a waffle maker (frozen, in toaster, lops off about 25 minutes at breakfast time), etc. etc.

[On another note: Someone gave us a Deep Fat Fryer for a wedding gift. Yikes. One of the hazards of living in the Deep South.]

Actually the worst Christmas present ever was no Christmas present. I mean NO PRESENT. From my HUSBAND. When we were NEWLYWEDS.

Early in our marriage we were pretty poor....To me, this meant to get extra creative with my dear sweet husband, and to try to come up with thoughtful, homemade, low-cost gifts to delight and surprise him.
To him, this meant, let's forego this present-giving mess altogether. I never said anything about it until our situation improved, but for a few years early on, this was an "ouchie" to me.

Being a man, he just finds it interesting that I never told him for years and years.

Being a woman, I say "Actions speak louder than words," ...

...and also, being a woman, I think to myself, "This will remain in perpetuity on my Top 10 List of PMS complaints. The List is called "And Another Thing! Do You Remember The Time..."

Being a woman, I am quite resourceful The same gene that allowed me to come up with cheap, original, creative gifts also allows me to be quite economical and thoughtful in my marital arguments.

Candace Jean July 16 said...

See why you were the second person I thought of when I saw that monstrosity?? (The first being my husband with the gummy bear fetish - he also made jello in a bathtub in college once....very similar texture). That just grosses me out.

This lovely man and husband of 35 years bought me a bathroom faucet for Christmas a few years back. I asked for the faucet, but should have said "installed bathroom faucet" because it sat in the box for over a year. I'd take it out of the box once in a while and turn the handle and say to him curiously "why doesn't this work?" He would just look at me, then go off and eat more gummy bears. Dufus. Love him. Think that ginormous gummy would cure him of his passion for the bears? Nah, that would be too easy.

Krissie Inserra said...

The Christmas after I turned 16, my parents had us open our stockings last. When I got to mine, there was a road map, an AAA card, and a set of car keys. I couldn't believe that they bought me a car so I was ecstatic! When I asked about it, they excitedly pointed outside in the driveway to...

Our family blue Ford Taurus station wagon. It was a spare key. Good times.

chadandnikki said...

The first year my husband and I were married his parents(Lord love them) gave me a bottle of Suave lotion. Sun-Ripened Rasberry to be exact. I was only slightly taken aback.

Until, my husband's brother's girlfriend, which he had only been dating about 3 months was given a super nice set of gold hoop earrings. HUH??????????

I was confused to say the least.

Marni said...

My husband is a police officer. He was hired on just after Christmas in 1991. The following Christmas, his parents decide to get me a gift to commemorate our marriage and his profession.

Everyone in the room must have known what I was getting except me, because they all stopped unwrapping their gifts to watch me open mine.

It was a gold chain with a large gold pendant (think slightly larger than golf ball sized) and in flourish-y script, it read "Cop's Lady". And if that wasn't sufficient, it was randomly studded with mine and the hubby's birthstones.

I was gracious and thanked them profusely, but in my head I was hearing "I pity da fool, I pity da fool".

To make matters worse, my husband liked it! So I had to wear the gosh-awful thing a few times (IN PUBLIC MIND YOU) before I tragically "lost it".

stacie said...

Oh, Marni...

That is truly the worst gift ever! I'm so impressed that you actually wore it a few times before it got lost! :-)

Julianna said...

I think that everyone will have a hard time beating Marni.

The year before I got married, my future mother-in-law went to the store to pick up what my future hubby bought me. She then said it was from her at the family Christmas party and made it look like he didn't get me anything.

Beth E. said...

An ironing board...from my husband...'nuff said!

Ann Marie said...

my husbands aunt loves to give a crazy gifts for fun, so this year we received a fiber optic light and sound show. It features the standard fiber optic thing with color changes, but the unit rotates and it comes with a stand that is 4 feet tall! so you can enjoy it anywhere! not just if you have a table top handy!
but wait! theres more! it also plays a variety of sound effects! theres a couple of new age-y sounds, nature sounds, such as the ocean or rainforest, and one that sounds like an alien landing. AND it can be sound-responsive, so the colors flash in time to the sounds! amazing!!
hours of enjoyment are possible with this thing!

Ann Marie said...

Oh Marni wins right now for the worst gift! thats SO funny though!

Katie said...

first, a little back story. i grew up a tomboy and will always be a bit of a tomboy. i'm not a very girly-girl. i don't like froo-frooey things. i don't get my nails done or use scented lotions and body products like they are going out of style. that is just not me.

my husband and i had to live with his parents for about two years due to job loss and such. keep in mind the only time i have ever had a mani/pedi was for my wedding.

this first christmas after we moved out and into our own place, my mother-in-law got me a home pedicure set. you'd think after living with them for two years she might have noticed that i never once gave myself a pedicure. she continues to get me lotions and body care products and sadly, they just go unused and take up space. i love my mother-in-law dearly, but i'd rather she not get me anything sometimes.

this may not be as bad to some people, but just like a lot of other people's gifts, it's something i just won't use.

Emily said...

Mine was almost the worst Christmas present until I put a stop to it.

My husband and I had been to Target shopping for Christmas presents. He tried to sneak around to get my gift. Fortunately, I saw it as he was putting it into the trunk. I told him that if he was planning on wrapping that thing and putting it under the Christmas tree as a present, that he might want to reconsider.

What was it, you ask? A fire extinguisher.

He still doesn't understand what was wrong with that as a present because it was something I needed to have in the kitchen. What a compliment to my cooking abilities as well!

After that year, I started telling him what to get me. I would rather not be surprised on Christmas morning, thank you very much.

Megs said...

LOL @ Emily . . .

but

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! @ Marni!

That is just too much.

i have some funny stories . . . but nothing compares to that. Nothing. Plus, they involve an ex-husband and a CRAZY ex-MIL and that's just no fun, right? ;-)

fb said...

These posts make me feel ever so fortunate!!!! One year I got a "lick the clothes of the guy" lollipop at a church gift exchange. My tongue is still sore :)!!

fb said...

It was of course "lick the clothes OFF the guy"

Brenda said...

There may be a gift so hideous from my past that I'm blocking it out of my memory, so if it happens to resurface, I'll come back and tell you about it. Until then... I'd have to say the worst gift was a shower squeegee.

ValMo said...

What about terrible gifts by proxy? My dad and brother get a box of chocolate covered cherries from my grandparents every. single. year. because my dad once mentioned that he liked them, not loved-them-couldn't-live-without-them-why celebrate-Christmas-at-all-without-them. Just "liked". Now he gets them every year. My brother never said a word about them.
There were also some golf-themed coasters that my dad got. He hates golf. He seems to be the target for bad gifts, but he always handles them graciously.

Mandy Leech said...

Stacy, you need to head back to the dollar store and buy Marni a prize. Maybe a nice piece of jewelry?

teamstrand said...

my mother in law told everyone i collected angels. i don't.

Brad Ruggles said...

Hmmm, probably a statue of an eagle from my parents years ago (don't tell!). But then again, I'm sure I've given some pretty lame presents through the years as well.

Skerrib said...

Marni, right there with you! My husband's in the Air Force and gifts from various family members include a giant blue book about Air Force history, Air Force wind chimes and, oddly enough, the Navy version of Monopoly.

My favorite though, was the Air Force welcome mat. Our good friends (also AF) were out of town, and when we went to feed their pets we left the mat on their stoop.

I think the only reason we haven't received some sort of camouflage outfit is that they don't have access to the mil-clothing store. Thank God.

Skerrib said...

PS--our friends gave the mat back, but I think somehow it got buried under the snow and never reappeared. "No mom, somehow it got lost in the move." Darn.

smiles said...

Um, my mom-in-law gave me toothpicks last year. The funny thing is that "toothpicks" was on my grocery list the week before, but I forgot to get them. I don't think anyone believed me when I was actually happy about the gift, but I WAS!

She also gave my teenage son a box last year. That's right, a box. An empty plastic box. He looked confused, and then hollered (full volume) "IT'S A BOX!" The whole room, including the giver, laughed until we cried. Good times. Hope the gifts are half as entertaining this year.

Arthur2Sheds said...

My grandmother got me one of those free calendars they hand out at the bank teller windows. It was for the previous year. Thanks, Grama!

Christy said...

I got a barney shirt from my grandma, same year as a set of penguins that open up in half, with another inside, and another inside, etc. Yes, I was 13 but all my cousins were 4 and 5 and under and got the same gifts. Joy.

Joy K. said...

Hope it's not too late to share because this is too funny a thread to stop.

Years ago when I moved into my first apartment my mom gave me rusted silverware she'd bought at a garage sale as a Christmas gift. She meant it sincerely too.

Maybe that's why I'm always giving her joke gifts. Just figured that out writing this.

One year we were supposed to give one hand-made gift to the person whose name we chose. My mom is pretty artsy crafty and made something nice.

Well, as a joke I took a large canvas I was going to get rid of and asked my three very young nieces to paint over it however they wanted.

Of course, it didn't look like anything except a mess. I wrapped it up and when my mom opened it she was so mad at me.

Unfortunately, she didn't appreciate the love and care my nieces had put into it because she knew I had given it to her as a joke and my one niece was found sobbing in the bedroom that Grandma didn't like her gift.

Needless to say, we had a lot of splainin' to do Lucy and I inherited it once they went home to CO. Not sure the humor comes across now that I'm writing this, but just know it was VERY funny at the time.:)

Thanks for your blog Stacy. I love your funny perspective and often relate!