I went to a very conservative Bible college with some strict rules. I'm sure all Bible colleges have rules because "be nice and only get drunk on Jesus" just isn't specific enough for some people. I will be the first to say that going into college I knew these rules and signed a form that assured my compliance. I later learned that compliance and not getting caught are inbred cousins.
So here's a list of rules that you'll only find in Bible College:
1) No bare feet in mixed company. Seriously. Before Bible college I had no idea that taking socks off in front of aspiring preachers was right up there with pole dancing, but apparently so. I broke this rule on one very specific occasion. One night the girl in the room next to me had taken drugs, and I don't mean Flintstones vitamins. She was completely juiced, screaming about how she was going to kill herself. So I run upstairs to the head resident's apartment. She answers the door and looks down at my feet. I open my mouth but before I can get anything out she says she won't talk to me with my feet uncovered, and I would need to put on some socks and then return. Close door. Folks, I couldn't make this up if I tried.
2) Curfew is 11 pm on weekdays. It may have been 10 pm, but in order to protect myself and cut down on the shock therapy treatments, I have blocked out the details. So this means finding a way to sneak in. Typically I would go through a window. But finding a way in wasn't the problem, campus security was. Campus security is another way to say Pharisee meets narc. Actual students by day, the security patrol were the super nerds of the campus. Typically scrawny and prepubescent, they drove around in a '72 rusted out Caprice Classic. Armed with only a clipboard and pen, they could record people's sin, just in case God had better things to do than making sure I wasn't out roaming the campus, barefoot, at 11:01 p.m., which would make me a harlot. And that's bad. So bad.
3) No dancing. It is widely known that the reason Bible college students aren't allowed to have premarital sex is because it will lead to dancing. Well, that and the fact that extra stupid security narcs could catch you and wonder where babies come from, upsetting the delicate balance of the universe. My BFF, Lacy, reminded me that the actual rule was no dancing within 50 miles of the campus, which makes sense. The dork-per-capita quotient fell significantly approximately 52.3 miles from the school's front gates, and this is the reason why.
4) No shorts may be worn in any building. I was good with this one. It has always been my theory that sequin tube tops look best with leather pants, anyway. It's just generally good idea to avoid shorts in Bible college. Some preaching major who is convinced the Bible peaked in 1987 is going to break out his pleated, Duck Head khaki shorts, but forget to take off his black socks and garters. (SOCK GARTERS, PEOPLE! Get your mind out of the gutter! No self respecting Bible college male wears those other kind of garters. At least not until after graduation. Please.)
5) Girls, no scantly clad roller skating through the dorm during finals week. This is an unwritten rule. It became an unwritten rule when someone actually did it, then got kicked out of her program. Never mind that dorms aren't co-ed. In Bible College girls can't even take a shower unless they're wearing a unitard. Modesty is everything. PG-13 skating behavior will not make serious preaching students want to date you, thereby lowering your marriage-ability quotient by 76%! Unfortunately, ladies, if you don't get married within 3 months of graduation, you probably never will. (I think that's Biblical, probably in the footnotes.) Sadly, this means you might not get invited to couples-only dinner parties in heaven. And wouldn't that just be the icing on the cake of your tragedy?
6) Guys, no hair growth beyond the collar. In Bible college there are pictures of Jesus everywhere. Walking with sheep, blessing children, hugging the Old Testament professor, you know, pictures of Jesus. In all of those pictures he had long hair. This means that He would have been kicked out of Bible college, or at least written up. Then where would we be? Oh, I shudder to think...
7) No kissing anywhere on campus. Translated, this rule implies that public displays of affection are meant for more romantic locations, like walks in the park, and visits to a fancy restaurant. Or, say, under a busted floodlight, in the backseat of a car in the Wal-Mart parking lot.
So there you have it, seven of the most rigorous standards for ethical Christian living. It's a lot to live up to, but this isn't living, this is Bible College.
Which rule would get you kicked out????
(Special thanks to my BFF Lacy who encourages my ADHD and will always help me break the rules.)
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
- Bible College - Be Afraid (7)
- Bible Study/Women's Ministry (2)
- cats (2)
- children (3)
- Contests and Give Aways (15)
- cooties (1)
- crazy people (1)
- DC Talk (1)
- Easter (2)
- Good God/Bad Church (3)
- Halloween (5)
- Jesus Voice Over Vintage 21 (1)
- Marriage (3)
- May I Suggest/New to SFL (1)
- My Family (8)
- Poop (1)
- Pranks (2)
- Secular Songs With Christian Lyrics - oh please (4)
- Stacy's Story (5)
- Wet Your Pants Funny Stuff (3)
- Why "Stacy From Louisville" (1)