Hurricane Gustav

Hurricane Gustav has already ravaged Haiti, The Dominican, and Cuba, and it's on its way to the U.S. If you're one of the 7.2 people who make your way here Saturday, Sunday or Monday I would like to ask you to remember the people of Louisiana, as well as those already affected by the hurricane. As you know Hurricane Katrina ripped through New Orleans and the surrounding area with fury 3 years ago. Now these people face the same kind of natural disaster once more from Hurricane Gustav. Pray for the safety of the men, women, and children involved.

Sometimes it's easy to forget the danger that faces others, only because it seems far away. I do this, too. But in looking the other way we miss out on opportunities to make eternal investments in others. Prayer is a major investment that too often gets overlooked. But prayer changes things. While we may not see that investment pay off here on earth, we absolutely will in heaven.

Let's pray together that God makes us mindful of this situation and everyone involved. Pray for His mercy to rain down stronger and swifter than any earthly disaster known to man. Pray for His grace and deliverance to flood the hearts and lives of those in harm's way.

Rewriting Song Lyrics for Ministry - My Spiritual Gift

If you log on to eBay you can purchase a WHAM! CD for five cents plus $6 shipping. I'm here to say that's a crying shame! For a solid 3 weeks in the 80s women around the world fell in love with George Michael, the golden locked hottie from across The Pond. I distinctly remember wearing my Coca-Cola shirt and my fluorescent pink headband, wondering if George would ever want to marry me. As it turned out that wasn't exactly in the cards. Not only did I end up going to Bible College, which meant I couldn't jitterbug anywhere on campus and still legally be a Christian, but George had plans of his own, too. In a perfect world we would have shared mousse from here to eternity. But we live in a fallen world. WHAM! love couldn't last forever. It died leaving a string of catastrophes in its wake. Like a Careless Whisper, George "came out", cut off the blond locks, and the world embraced Michael Bolton. George and Elton John set sail for castle yonder, taking the Boom-Boom right out of my heart. To this day I can't listen to Michael Bolten and not feel cheated. (Darn you, Michael and your naked chested, middle aged, When-A-Man-Loves-A-Woman chortling! Take your spray tan, your reverse mullet, and your I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter ballads back where you came from. GET OFF MY BLOG!!!!!)

Regroup. Check hairstyle. Breathe in....whew....

It seems I have a strange kind of gifting when it comes to music. I'm here to tell you that I can take any song from the 80s or 90s, give it a churchy theme, and rewrite the words into something completely ludicrous. As of late I have come to embrace the fact that in keeping this gifting to myself I am cheating all of Christianity out of the super shiny spoofy awesomeness that's wrapped in flesh and named "Stacy". Well, that is a burden I can no longer bare. The responsibility is immense, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Here's the spoof I came up with today and posted on Stuff Christians Like. It's a bit tweaked from the original post, so if you read it before now, I sprinkled in a handful of fresh to keep things exciting. The topic was "Wicked Awesome Mission Trip Interpretive Dance Songs". Check it out:

Song: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, WHAM! circa 1984

To pull this off with stellar salvation success you will need the following:

1) One slightly awkward teenager with jazz hands stands in the middle of the Haitian village. He's wearing a shirt that says, "Boom Boom" in Haitian.

2) Really Hot Youth Group Chick stands next to him wearing a large, uncomfortable red cardboard heart. She smiles. (But only because Captain Hottie Youth Group Dude might want to make out with her after evening devotions.)

3) 10 teenagers scattered around the stage holding yo-yos that say "Jitterbug for Jesus", again in Haitian.

4) A boom box. Granted, no one says "boom box" anymore, but this is a mission trip. If you can wear a fanny pack and fool yourself into thinking it's cool you can do just about anything.

5) Around 6.3 Haitians who presumably love WHAM! (Because who in Haiti doesn't love WHAM!?? Duh.)

Read the revised song lyrics, infer hyper-spastic salvation dancing and let the missions flow....

You put the boom-boom into my heart
You send my soul sky high when your lovin' starts
Jitterbug into my brain
Goes a bang-bang-bang 'til my feet do the same
But something's bugging you
Something ain't right
My best friend told me you weren't in church last night
Left me prayin' in my bed
I was dreaming, but I should have gone forward instead.

Wake me up before you go-go
Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo
Wake me up before you go-go
I don't want to miss it when you accept Christ
Wake me up before you go-go
'Cause I'm not plannin' on going solo
Wake me up before you go-go
Take me praising tonight
I lift my hands so high (yeah, yeah)

You take the grey skies out of my way
You make the sun shine brighter than Resurrection Day
Turned a bright spark into a flame
My love for God has never been the same

'Cause you're my Jesus, I'm a sinnin' fool
It makes me crazy when you preach old school
Come on, Christians, let's not fight
We'll go pot-luckin', everything will be all right

End SCL comment.

So there you have it, a prime example of putting my gifts to good use.

Before I had this ground breaking blog, I was a drama director for a church in Arizona. I literally taught 3 whole people how to act, so I'm obviously at the top of my game.

What song would you like to see me work rework? Suggest it here. While I rewrite the lyrics you can dust off the overflow seating and fill up the baptistery. Trust me. People are going to flock.

When I rework the song, I'll dedicate the entire post to you. Wow, all this an infamy too. Is today your lucky day or what?

Finding God: A Reason To Praise

There are some days when it seems like I can't get my hands high enough in the air to praise God. Days when I see Him all around me. When there's no miracle too small for me to notice He's in it.

He shows His love in small ways that I would miss if I weren't looking to find Him in it. He's in the laughter of my son when he runs to me just because he's too happy to keep life to himself. He's in the coolness of morning that reminds me that fall is right around the corner. He's in the reckless abandon of my desire to love my Dad, regardless of what fractures there have been in our relationship. He's in everything, just begging for me to acknowledge Him.

Most of all, I find Him remindind me to stop running away from Him, to turn around, and run back to Him.

Because God is all around me, I know I'm not alone. I know I'm loved beyond understanding. I know that though some situations are bigger than me, nothing is bigger than Him. He's awesome. He's in everything. He loves me. And I love Him back.

He's in His Word.
He's above my praise.
He's around my house.
He's about changing my life.
He's the rays of the sun that break through the trees.
He's telling me to get off the computer and play with my son!!
He's everywhere. He's everything.
He's jealous for my praise. He has every right to be. Because no one will ever love me more completely or satsify my soul.

Now it's your turn. In what ways is God all around you today? Where have you found Him lately? Let's remind each other to find Him in places we may have forgotten about until now.

God bless you today!

Time

My daughter prays every night that God will protect her from bad dreams. I'm quick to remind her that should she have a bad dream, her dad and I are here for her and maybe God might use a bad dream to teach her how to trust Him. I tell her these things hoping she will outgrow her fear. What I purposely have not told her is that sometimes nightmares can be real. Sometimes nightmares have to be lived out during the day. No matter how much we might wish them away, or try to ignore them, at some point there could be a nightmare that is darker than any dream. I wish this were a foreign concept for me, but it's not. Unfortunately I am living it right now. You see, my dad is sick.

I can't dress it up or make it sound nice. It is a paralyzing fact of life right now. Because my parents live in another state it can be too easy for me to purposely forget the facts. I think that's called denial, which is one of the stages of grief.

To be truthful I have always had somewhat of a fractured relationship with my dad. Yet since my daughter was born seven years ago I had seen the fractures begin to heal. Tension gave way to the common ground of shared laughter over his new role as Grandpa. But not too long ago I heard God whisper that I was being haphazard about getting to know my dad. I brushed God off, telling Him to leave me alone. Stubborn and brazen, I knew full well there were walls built around my heart, but out of self-preservation, I refused to tear them down.

During that time it was easy for me to live as though there would always be "later" to fix deeper issues. I used words like "busy" to excuse lack of motivation to tend the relationship. I built an altar out of making sure I wasn't too uncomfortable. Then crisis hit. BAM! I saw all my missed moments fly right past me. The tailwind nearly snapped my neck. Everything I put off concerning my relationship with my dad - conversations about his childhood, dating my mom, you know, the puzzle pieces to his story - crumbled around me. The walls I built couldn't protect me at all.

Suddenly my time was spent wondering how he'd make it to the next day. Casual conversations with my mom and sister were replaced with daily summaries of symptoms. Forget about questions between my dad and I that are unanswered, move that to the back of the line. Life has taken on a new urgency. Anything that resembles what used to be "normal" has faded. It's quite possible my questions may never be answered.

I handle the circumstances as best I can. God is with me, which is no small thing, considering that I told Him to leave me alone. It is a walking testament to the faithfulness of Christ in spite of me trying to squeeze Him out. His love baffles me at every turn.

Unfortunately, there are times when grief washes over me and it just plain hurts. It's my dad - what daughter would want to see her parent suffer? The bottom line is that I wish I would have listened to God in the first place. Isn't that always the way? Hopefully next time I won't wait for the screaming circumstances to drown out His whisper. I've lost too many minutes already.

Next week I am going with my parents to hear my dad's full diagnosis. The hurdle has been knowing that once I hear what his doctor has to say I can't hide any more. The statement "My dad is sick" will be changed to "My dad has ________." And though he isn't confined to a label or a diagnosis, there's the reality of uncharted waters ahead. My heart swells at the thought. But at least I will be there, with them. No matter what happens, I can pick up from here and move forward for the duration. And that is exactly what I plan to do.

I don't know where you are in your life. You may read my story and move on. Or maybe you're tinkering with wasting your time, ignoring your family, or being resistant to God. Take it from someone who has walked a similar path: Nightmares can happen to anyone. Anything less than fully investing yourself into those around you is a waste of time. Don't wait until someone you love is in trouble - sick or even walking a prodigal's path - before you get to know them. I mean really know them. Let God show you the way. Trust me, regret tastes nasty. Spit it out while you still can.

Mr. Salvation Pants, Leader of the BBs

If Bible college culture revolves around anything it is cliques. I'm telling you it's worse than high school and then some.

First, we have the Briefcase Bangers, or the BBs. No one knows where the briefcases came from, or why carry them everywhere, but it is a defining factor for this sect. Dressed in suits from my grandfather's closet, the goal of this group is to convince the church that the Bible is not relevant unless it is preached by someone wearing polyester. Though they are academics, they are also strong devotees to anything socially awkward including limp handkerchiefs and going without deodorant. They rock the Wal-Mart pre-packaged, short sleeve dress shirt and tie combo; this is their every day uniform. Most are preaching majors, but should that fall through, there's always Star Treck conventions to keep them entertained. These guys did Bible College by the book, honing in on obeying the rules with precision.

In stark contrast, there's the group I hung with, The Nonconformists. I owe surviving Bible College to this group. I remain now, as I was then, a delicate combination of Elaine Benes meets Mary Kathrine Gallagher. We were a motley concoction of sarcasm, caffeine, and scary clown antics. Always willing to push the envelope in a conservative setting, the Briefcase Bangers considered us obnoxious and untouchable.

Never, and I mean NEVER do these two groups interact. But during my senior year, our worlds collided every Tuesday and Thursday morning at 7 am for Church Administration class.

This class would better be named "How To Marry, Bury & Baptize". The BBs ate it up. My group mocked it at every turn. While the BBs were writing beautiful eulogies about fictitious but Godly saints, we were writing eulogies for old, boring church history profs who somehow ended up dying while teaching.

Our Church Admin. prof decided that it would be a good idea for us to learn how to baptize people "the right way". So, in February, in the snow, at 7 am we all had to haul our bathig suit clad cookies to the school's indoor pool. Everyone in the class (about 40 people) was there except for the leader of the BBs, which was strange because he NEVER missed a class, so his absence was notable.

To start class the prof. gives us a demonstration of how to baptize (because we have never seen one before). Then, it happens. The head of the BBs rushes into the pool area...

He's wearing a full suit and tie. He's carrying his briefcase. And he's wearing...

HIS OWN PERSONAL SET OF WAIST HIGH WADERS. (No he didn't. Oh yes he did!)

He's out of breath because he didn't remember we weren't meeting in our normal classroom. So that means HE WALKED THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF THE CAMPUS AND MAIN BUILDING WEARING WAIST HIGH WADERS!!!!

I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head I laughed so hard, doubled over in hysterics....grabbing the person next to me so I wouldn't fall to the floor....WADERS!!!!!!!! His own PERSONAL WADERS!!!!!!!!!!!!

He had plastic/Mylar/rubberish salvation pants.

Don't bring all that mess up in here and then expect me to baptize somebody! Seriously, people.

By the time we all got in the pool the Nonconformists were over it. Mr. Salvation Pants had slaughtered the 2 ounces of reverence we brought with us to the pool that morning. When the prof gave us the "okay" to start baptizing each other it was sheer pandemonium. People were slamming each other under water, they'd spring up and fake speaking in tongues. There was splashing and cannon balls, and blood-curdling shrieks of "Hallelujah!" Some were scream-singing "Now I Belong To Jesus". Others were holding people under the water yelling, "Satan, COME OUT!" We were like Gremlins. Bad things happen when you put us in water.

The BBs literally huddled in a corner of the pool and did this strange gawking-twitching thing. Though I'm not certain I think I heard one of them cry for his mother.

If you think all the baptism shenanigans are irreverent, you are correct. But don't blame me or any of the other Nonconformists in the class. Blame the Briefcase Bangers, and their leader, Mr. Salvation Pants.

So....what kind of pants are you wearing today?????????

Bible College: How To Break The Rules (and have an awesome time doing it)

I went to a very conservative Bible college with some strict rules. I'm sure all Bible colleges have rules because "be nice and only get drunk on Jesus" just isn't specific enough for some people. I will be the first to say that going into college I knew these rules and signed a form that assured my compliance. I later learned that compliance and not getting caught are inbred cousins.

So here's a list of rules that you'll only find in Bible College:

1) No bare feet in mixed company. Seriously. Before Bible college I had no idea that taking socks off in front of aspiring preachers was right up there with pole dancing, but apparently so. I broke this rule on one very specific occasion. One night the girl in the room next to me had taken drugs, and I don't mean Flintstones vitamins. She was completely juiced, screaming about how she was going to kill herself. So I run upstairs to the head resident's apartment. She answers the door and looks down at my feet. I open my mouth but before I can get anything out she says she won't talk to me with my feet uncovered, and I would need to put on some socks and then return. Close door. Folks, I couldn't make this up if I tried.

2) Curfew is 11 pm on weekdays. It may have been 10 pm, but in order to protect myself and cut down on the shock therapy treatments, I have blocked out the details. So this means finding a way to sneak in. Typically I would go through a window. But finding a way in wasn't the problem, campus security was. Campus security is another way to say Pharisee meets narc. Actual students by day, the security patrol were the super nerds of the campus. Typically scrawny and prepubescent, they drove around in a '72 rusted out Caprice Classic. Armed with only a clipboard and pen, they could record people's sin, just in case God had better things to do than making sure I wasn't out roaming the campus, barefoot, at 11:01 p.m., which would make me a harlot. And that's bad. So bad.

3) No dancing. It is widely known that the reason Bible college students aren't allowed to have premarital sex is because it will lead to dancing. Well, that and the fact that extra stupid security narcs could catch you and wonder where babies come from, upsetting the delicate balance of the universe. My BFF, Lacy, reminded me that the actual rule was no dancing within 50 miles of the campus, which makes sense. The dork-per-capita quotient fell significantly approximately 52.3 miles from the school's front gates, and this is the reason why.

4) No shorts may be worn in any building. I was good with this one. It has always been my theory that sequin tube tops look best with leather pants, anyway. It's just generally good idea to avoid shorts in Bible college. Some preaching major who is convinced the Bible peaked in 1987 is going to break out his pleated, Duck Head khaki shorts, but forget to take off his black socks and garters. (SOCK GARTERS, PEOPLE! Get your mind out of the gutter! No self respecting Bible college male wears those other kind of garters. At least not until after graduation. Please.)

5) Girls, no scantly clad roller skating through the dorm during finals week. This is an unwritten rule. It became an unwritten rule when someone actually did it, then got kicked out of her program. Never mind that dorms aren't co-ed. In Bible College girls can't even take a shower unless they're wearing a unitard. Modesty is everything. PG-13 skating behavior will not make serious preaching students want to date you, thereby lowering your marriage-ability quotient by 76%! Unfortunately, ladies, if you don't get married within 3 months of graduation, you probably never will. (I think that's Biblical, probably in the footnotes.) Sadly, this means you might not get invited to couples-only dinner parties in heaven. And wouldn't that just be the icing on the cake of your tragedy?

6) Guys, no hair growth beyond the collar. In Bible college there are pictures of Jesus everywhere. Walking with sheep, blessing children, hugging the Old Testament professor, you know, pictures of Jesus. In all of those pictures he had long hair. This means that He would have been kicked out of Bible college, or at least written up. Then where would we be? Oh, I shudder to think...

7) No kissing anywhere on campus. Translated, this rule implies that public displays of affection are meant for more romantic locations, like walks in the park, and visits to a fancy restaurant. Or, say, under a busted floodlight, in the backseat of a car in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

So there you have it, seven of the most rigorous standards for ethical Christian living. It's a lot to live up to, but this isn't living, this is Bible College.

Which rule would get you kicked out????

(Special thanks to my BFF Lacy who encourages my ADHD and will always help me break the rules.)

Should You Marry A Pastor In Bible College? (originally posted on Stuff Christians Like)

Bible College is just plain weird. Take everything that drives you nuts about church culture. Throw it into really close living quarters. Take away deodorant, fashionable clothing, and common sense. Fold in a hymnal, lots of suits from the 80s, and a curfew. Sprinkle it with controversy and lint from the pockets of scary elders. Add 2 gallons of angst from trying to maintain technical virginity, and ta-da! Instant Bible College. (Some assembly required.)

Perhaps the most distinguishing characteristic of Bible College is the number of girls who attend with the soul purpose of acquiring their Mrs. Degree. Never mind that many, many of the guys who attend Bible College are already hot and bothered over polyester and the smell of a freshly Pledged pulpit. Still, there is one thing every Bible College guy needs before he can assume his first full time preaching position: Wifeage. That’s right, a delicate, though not necessarily too attractive, member of the opposite sex. Additional requirements include: a) owning 3 dresses from 1986, b) a stellar ability to cry on command, 3) wide hips for childbirth, and d) it helps if she’s a Christian.

However, it must be said, not every girl who goes to Bible College wants to marry a preacher. I went to Bible College to actually go into vocational ministry. I had no plans in any way, shape, or form to get married! Wicked crazy, I know, but it’s true. I actually graduated single, which was a risky choice. Everybody knows a girl doesn’t get married within 3 months of graduation has a 76% higher chance of never saying “I do.” It’s a good thing I met Dan or right now I’d be icing the cake of my own tragedy. Whew. Guess I dodged a bullet that time.

Obviously you can see the conundrum for young women who attend Bible College. Do they sell their soul to the Bible dictionary, pony up to the polyester smack down and shout, “Preach on!” Or, do girls opt for vocational ministry, thereby rolling the dice when it comes to love and romance? What a sticky pickle! Wouldn’t it helpful if there were, say, a beacon of light to guide these girls in their hour of need? You know, maybe a quiz, thrown up on someone else’s blog when the owner is out of town? Well, you’re in luck…

Welcome to the Stuff Christians Like/Stacy From Louisville Cooperative For the Preservation Of The Integrity of Bible College Love Super Quiz 2008

The purpose of this quiz is to help you determine if you should marry a preacher or stay single in Bible College. Answer the following hypothetical scenarios according to the decision you would make if you were a single female in Bible College. Guys, just read along. I’m serious. Don’t pretend you’re a girl when you’re reading Jon’s site. It’s poor form. Here we go!!!!

1) Your major is:
a) Bible and youth ministry, elementary education, missions, or urban outreach
b) You don’t pick a major. College may cost $9,000 a year but that’s not too much to pay to find your true love. Besides, everyone knows pastors are loaded and he won’t mind paying off your loans.

2. You open the closet in your room to reveal:
a) ringer t-shirts, a SCL t-shirt, jeans, flip flops, a pile of dirty laundry and a half-eaten bag of Cheetos.
b) Four hoop-skirt bridesmaid’s dresses, cellophane wrapped wedding dress, a hand sewn polyester/leather tie nighty combo, and 15 complete sets of maternity clothes

3. You’re in your room studying when you hear frantic shrieking from down the hall. Instinctively you know it’s “the engagement ring scream”, meaning someone else – not you! – is getting married. You:
a) Roll your eyes and finish your paper while humming “Another One Bites The Dust”
b) Grab your stuffed cat, Kooky Kitty McScratchbottom, bury your head in your pillow and contemplate wearing more skirts that reveal your shapely ankles

4. In Church History class Mr. Bible Banger leans over and says, “What’s today’s date?” You:
a) Pull out your birth control dial pack, flip it open and say, “Let’s see. Oh! It’s Thursday already! No wonder I’m thirsty!” (Extra points if you throw in a wink.)
b) Bat your eyelashes, straighten your hair bow, and say, softly, “Kind sir, it’s September 18, 2008 in the year of Our Lord. Might I water your camels?”

5. A cute guy asks you for help with his homework. You:
a) Walk with him to the library and teach him Greek
b) Type up his sermon outline, iron all 10 of his short sleeve dress shirts, make a casserole, and cross stitch Bible verses on his damp handkerchief.

You’re doing great! Last one….

6. A guy you’ve been seeing asks you to marry him. He promises to love you and:
a) You suck his face off instead of answering his question and tell him you’ll get back with him…later.
b) Never throw you under the bus when the elders blame you for the crappy women’s ministry program

So, how did you score?

Mostly A
You should not date in Bible College. You should not get married in Bible College. You probably should not ever say the words “Bible College” or speak a sentence with the words “Bible” and “college” in it, ever. You are cut off. Know why? Because you are like me. As I stated before I graduated from college single, which was fine with me. What I didn’t tell you was that because of my sass mouth I didn’t have too many dates in the straight-laced environment of my college. Don’t get me wrong, I had a blast in college, especially when I learned how to break the rules and not get caught. Am I proud of breaking he rules? Why yes, actually. But I’m most proud of not getting caught. In the grand scheme of things, that’s all that really matters. I think. Flash forward 10+ years and I’m married, I’ve got two kids, and from time to time I break out my Bible dictionary. Does that make me better than anyone else? No, no it doesn’t. That’s what a diploma is for…

Mostly B
Marrying a pastor isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I guess. Getting married as an excuse to have sex and be out past curfew is, and I saw a lot of that, unfortunately. There are some guys who attend Bible College who are hip and fly. If you’ve got your sites set on a Metrosexual future worship leader, that’s good. If he rocks the Pumas and the faux hawk, that’s even better. If he’s really hot in a subversive, yet dark and Biblical kind of way and could potentially make $75K traveling with his band, “The Hermeneutics”, then by all means, find that guy and suck his face off without hesitation. On the other hand, if you’re going to an ultraconservative school that cranks out obscure, pulpit-hogging Bible bangers with weird hips and unzipped flies, you need to pay attention. This quiz might just save your bacon.

So there you have it. My best attempt at breaking free from the comments section on SCL. For years now I have told my husband, "One day Honey, I'm gonna make you proud." I'm sure in his mind he thought I might return to my prebaby weight or cure cancer or something. But no. God had bigger plans. I get to traipse around SCL for one whole day. You know, that's pretty good for a chick that was single when she graduated from Bible College.

IT'S BIBLE COLLEGE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!

In 1992 I graduated from High School. The world was my oyster. (I don't really know what that means, but I've always wanted to say it.) I was going to shuck it for all it was worth and then some. But I wasn't going oyster shucking for myself, I was doing it all for Jesus. That's right my friends, I was headed to Bible College. (Where, coincidently, I never ate shellfish of any kind. Dang.)

Bright and shiny, squeaky clean, glittering with sage wisdom, Bible College. In my mind I had it all figured out. I was immersing myself in the think tank of all Christendom - everyone there, young and old, would adore me. Mothers would want their daughters to be just like me. Guys would want to date me. Professors would shamelessly beg for my theological insight. Flowers would bloom and angels would sing everywhere I went. We would all laugh, and hug, and sing "Kum-by-Ya". I would surely help usher in the greatest revival of all time. It would be holier than heaven itself.

Then I got there.

And realized it sucked.

I guess it's not so much that it was so sucktacular, it's more that the culture of the whole thing was just plain weird. That's not to say that I didn't have fun while I was there or that I didn't get a good education. It's just that Bible College is so....so....well, it's Bible College.

Take everything that drives you nuts about church culture. Throw it into really close living quarters. Take away deodorant, fashionable clothing, and common sense. Fold in a hymnal, a few suits from the 80s, and a curfew. Sprinkle it with controversy and lint from the pockets of scary elders. Add 1/2 cup of angst from trying to maintain technical virginity, and ta da! Instant Bible College. (Some assembly required.)

This week we will discuss the ins and outs of Christian education at its best and worst. If I lived this for 4 years and paid about $30,000 for it, surely you can come along with me as we hop, skip, and jump (over land mines) down memory lane. Surely my experience will not be the same as yours. I'm the first to acknowledge that I graduated 12 years ago and much has changed in church culture since then, so presumably Bible Colleges, Christian Universities, and Seminaries have also changed. Yet still, I have a hunch that some things will never change.

If you never went to Bible College this will be all new to you. That's fine because I'll hold your hand and lead you gently. If you're one of the lucky few who did attend I'll be more than happy to indulge your guilty pleasure, you name it. Mrs degrees? Briefcases with no real purpose? Delivering a pretend eulogy while a classmate lays on a table next to you, pretending to be dead? If you have an idea or experience, let me know. Otherwise, let the antics begin!

Someone broke into our house...

Do you ever sit back and wonder what you will do if someone should ever break into your home? Of course you do. Like me you probably imagine that you will be spectacular at defending yourself. No one imagines suddenly morphing into Pizza the Hut. No, maybe you're a Ninja. Or Wonder Woman. Or Jan Crouch from TBN. (Okay, maybe the last one is just me.) In your delusion, perhaps you're strong, or crafty, or exceedingly ambidextrous. No matter because everyone knows that this is a fantasy and this will never happen to you. But then, it does...

Someone broke into our house Friday night. Seriously.

I slept through the entire thing so I feel I have the duty to piece the story together, grossly exaggerating the parts that are unclear to me.

OKAY this all happened really fast, so read really fast and imagine lots of shock and adrenaline:

Dan wakes at 3 a.m. to find a criminal exiting our home. He has taken Dan's wallet and car keys. Dan runs through our front door to find the thief is backing our car down the driveway. Dan runs after him, "GET OUT OF MY CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Then Dan starts running down the street behind the car.

Thief Dude stops the car and gets out, holding his hands in the air. He starts running away. Dan chases him. Then he catches him.

Dan: GIVE ME MY WALLET!

Dude: I don't have your wallet!

Dan: Get back over to my house! NOW!

The guy starts walking back to our house, which is really polite in a felony kind of way. He wasn't a very smart felon, however, because he didn't put our car in park when he got out and started running. Consequently the car was rolling down our street. When Dan went to get it the perpetrator took off. Dan called the police.

No one was hurt. The kids and I slept through the entire thing, including the police searching our home looking for clues. When Dan told me later the next morning, long after it had all happened, I lost it. All the "what if" scenarios washed over me like a wave crashing against a rocky shore. My knees literally buckled under the pressure.

In the limited amount of time I have had to process this, I keep coming back to the idea that I could have lost Dan. I mean, really, my husband chased down someone who was brazen enough to break into our home. There are so many things that could have happened. If I dwell on them too long, the tidal wave crashes all over again. That wave renders me defenseless against the demons of my mind. All the horrible "what if" situations are Satan's way of distracting me from what God did in and around me that night.

His provision is best summed up like this: My kids and I slept peacefully in the midst of real danger. We found safety in the form of pillows, blankets, and the shelter of God. We pray His protection over us all the time, so why should I be surprised that He did just that?

Looking at all of my life I have to wonder about the times I let the "what ifs" rob me of what God was actively doing around me. For me, I can easily get lost in the dungeon of my mind, shackled to fear, or at least indecision. There is nothing Satan would like more than to immobilize me. Being stuck in one place keeps me from moving toward God.

It has taken me a few days to process everything, which is probably normal. But today is Sunday, and it's over. God is here and together we're up and walking.

What about you? Are you stuck, or are you walking it out?

Thanks for a great first week!!!

I think it was the movies of the late 80s and early 90s that ruined me for romance. To this day I'm still waiting for Mr. Idealistic in a trench coat to hold a blaring boom box outside my bedroom window, proclaiming his undying affection. I realize this is asking a bit much, but there are some days I’d settle for a poncho and a clock radio. (The light, the heat…I am complete) But I digress.

As you probably know I've been leaving obnoxious comments on SCL for awhile. Now blogging on my own I've had over 450 of you read my little ramblings in the past 4 days. That has been awesome and I thank you for giving me a chance, and I hope you'll stick around. Your comments are fantastic and I look forward to building up a little community. Again, thank you.

Of all of you who have visited there is one person whose comment completely lit me up inside. It's my husband, Dan.

As I have said before, Dan is very cut and dry. He's not the romantic type, or at least not in the traditional sense. In fact, when he asked me to marry him he gave me a Hulk Hogan doll. What woman could resist that?

The other night we were falling asleep. The house was quiet. I thought the talking was done for the day. But out of nowhere, he said the most romantic words a female sanguine could possibly ever hear: "I think you're pretty funny." Just like that and then he rolled over, pulled up his blanket and went to sleep.

He and I have been laughing together for over 14 years now. As of late, he's read my comments on SCL, probably because I called him - at work - every time I posted one. Imagine me, like a Golden Retriever puppy, jumping and salivating, "Dan! I just left a comment on Jon's site. Want me to read it to you? Do you? DO YOU?!!!!" (After all, who could resist me?)

Come to find out he's my biggest fan. Nobody loves me like my husband. I forget that more often than I should. Don't know why I would automatically assume he's anything less than exactly what God designed for me. When it comes to brass tacks, I know I've definitely married up.

So thanks again for reading! Next week we'll tackle Bible college, or "It's Not Too Late To Enroll Somewhere Else". I'll keep bringing the ranting and raving if you keep reading!!

0-~,

Stacy