When It Rains It Pours

Perhaps you remember Monday's post about my grandma's declining health...

My grandma had a heart attack last night. She was in the hospital when it happened. She will be in the hospital for - well, I don't really know how long. She's conscious and in good spirits but her strength is very low. Though I don't know what the future holds I think my grandma is the bravest of the whole lot of us.

In light of all of this I'm taking a few days off. I'll be heading out of town soon to be with my family.

I'm out of words so I'll leave it to one of you: I think Eastern Kentucky Pastor had it right: pack an umbrella.

In His Grip,
Stacy

Quote of the Moment

When speaking of Jesus, Garret Keizer said,

"Smite his cheek, and he turns you the other; slap the dignity of the house of prayer, however, and he turns over a table."

What about you? What's your favorite quote of the moment?

Let It Rain

At 84 my grandmother is the most Godly women I have ever known. Yet tonight she's barely 100 pounds and languishing. Hospital corridors and unanswered questions flood my mind as the swell of the waves threaten to drag me below the the water's surface.

It's amazing how one phone call can change so much.

On Wednesday morning of last week the rain started. We hastily packed bags and headed two hours north. At that point all I knew was that she had fallen and couldn't get help. What I later came to understand was that she was so weak it took her over an hour to crawl to the phone to get assistance.

The situation we're in comes as a surprise to no one; she's been deteriorating for years with congestive heart. But, trust me, there's no such thing as grieving in advance. Yet unlike so many crisis situations I've faced in the past, I'm facing this one differently. Here's why...

God's plans baffle me. The fact is, I waste brain space when I do any more than trust Him moment by moment. There's no way I can control any of what's happening around me. So I'm not going to cause myself more grief by pretending I can.

Unlike other crossroads in my life I'm not running away this time.

In fact, I say, "Let it rain." Even if the floods overtake me, He will never let me go. And though rain may hide my tears, He's no less aware of each and every one.

He's big enough & small enough - at the same time - to be in every facet of life. He's in me and my grandma. And that right there is a reason to hope.

I've learned, whether we realize it or not, every day is a crossroad for each of us. Every day we must decide. Do we choose to rest in Him or try to rest without Him? I've tried walking both paths and the second choice has never given me the strength to say, "Let it rain." What I've had to come to realize is that I'd rather be soaking wet in God's rain than drowning in a flood of my own undoing.

Today, come what may, I'm going to rest in Him. Even in the rain.

How about you?

Jacked Up Jack-O-Lantern CONTEST WINNER

Founding Member Pumpkin
This pumpkin eats pastors for breakfast, and because he is one of the founding members of the church everyone lets him. Founding member pumpkin has not found a pastor yet that he didn't like to chew on, and he has spit out every pastor the church has had since the first one in 1953....

Congratulations Steve, you are the official winner! It was a tough call. The vat was so thick with sarcasm that I could scarcely lift the ladle. But when all the judges had sampled their fill of mockery, Founding Member Pumpkin came out smelling....well, like pumpkin guts, actually, which is good in a rotten vomit kind of way. E-mail me at stacyasmall@att.net to claim your mullet gift o' rama. And I think I speak for all SFL readers when I say please, please assemble the costume and send us a picture.

Honorable Mentions:
Jon Acuff gave props to Rob's "When Church Janitors Go Bad"
MCTC loved mistymorningmountain with the Joel Olstein/John Piper parody
SFL would also like to recognize Miss Hannah for the Home School Mom bit (classic AWANAs)

On a side note, SFL has been up and running for almost 3 whole months. You know, readers, you mean so much to me. It's time you knew just how much...(dim lights, cue Luther Vandros music)...



I feel so much better about myself...

He's The Glue

Oh yes, I forgot today is his birthday. As he's walking out the door for work common sense jolts me and I yell "Happy Birthday!" Then I give him a hug and he laughs. He's the glue that holds us together and like I've said before, I definately married up. I don't know how I got so lucky, but this I can tell you. 15 years ago when we first met I knew I was done dating around. I would say, "I found a good thing" but that would be an understatement. It's better said, "A good thing found me." We're riding life's rollercoaster together and so far neither one of us has puked so I'm taking it as a good sign. Here's our song. It was played at our wedding but it ain't your typical wedding song. Regardless, it still rings true...



Always

CONTEST LOOT & Judges: It's Not Too Late!!

It's not very often that a pumpkin can change a life. Until now. Here you have it - The Jacked Up Jack-O-Lantern Contest Prize. Let me outline for you the ins and outs of the prize pack:

1 Mullet Wig
That's right, you read it correctly. Say it with me, like it doesn't hurt to own up to it, "Mullet wig!" Often defined as "Business in the front. Party in the back." This wig is your ticket to the high life. ("high" as in drug induced stupor) But like all good Christians we must take the concept of the mullet and put God sauce on it. So, I submit to you, "Mullet: Presbyterian in the front. Pentecostal in the back." There. I feel more holy just typing it.

1 Screaming Pop-Up Plush
Complete with rubberized hair and super loud, electronic high pitched cackle this is the most annoying thing I could send in the mail besides myself. The best thing about the laugh is that it will serve 2 functions:
1) It's perfect in tone and pitch for women's ministry events. That doesn't mean you have to attend, I'm just saying...
2) Use it in church service every time your pastor tells a lame joke. Let this thing laugh for you and trust me, he'll stop. Or quit. Use your own judgement here.

Zit Poppers Candy
The package reads, "Plump & Rich, OOzy Gushy Goo Filled Zit Gummies You Can Burst In Your Mouth. Zitlicious!" You can actually take these candies and pop them near your friends and strawberry flavored puss will fly out. Trust me, people, you can't buy this kind of popularity. (Or maybe you can, at Target.)

Then there are other goodies like Hubba Bubba Bubble Tape, Happy Bunny Stickers, and a Hose Nose slime filled candy that was left over from the Bible College survival pack. And other various crap, too.

Meet Your Contest Judges:

Jon Acuff of Stuff Christians Like
Dan Small, CPA
More Cute Than Crazy, a suburban housewife living the dream (with the help of an occasional margarita)
Stacy From Louisville

In the event of a tie all judges and contestants will meet at Big Lots in Milwaukee. All contestants will be blindfolded and tied to each other with bungee cords. The prize pack will be thrown up in the air and all contestants will be left to their own devices. No shoving or swearing, we will be in public.

I'm extending the voting until Monday at midnight! It's not too late to caption the pumpkin.

Winner of the Jacked Up Jack O Lantern will be announced on Tuesday.

Jacked Up Jack-O-Lantern CONTEST

(This is a contest, ergo "contest" in the title. Read through the post and find your assignment at the bottom. Good luck!)

I don't know if Little Boy Jesus ever went Trick or Treating. There's just some things Scripture doesn't speak to. But I can imagine LBJ (Little Boy Jesus, not Lyndon B. Johnson) dressed as a camel or Buzz Lightyear or Gene Simmons. (or not) He's carrying his empty gourd hoping to score some mad candy and hummus as he celebrates Halloween, Nazareth style. Surely, though, there were some people who weren't into Halloween, even then. No pumpkins, no costumes, no candy, no nothin'. I have this theory that's what initially caused the rift between Him and the Pharisees. Yep, I'm blaming anti-halloween stingy candy uppityness. Cheating LBJ out of taffy and tootsie rolls was a big mistake. Huge.

Fast forward 2000+ years. The same thing happens, but with a holy spin. At church last week I overheard one woman talking to another, saying, "I take the pumpkin, carve a cross instead of a face, put a lit candle inside, then turn off all the lights and pretend we're not home when people ring the doorbell. That's how we do Halloween." It was a really animated conversation. Though I can't be sure I think I saw her pull the template out of her bootleg Coach purse. If I would have been thinking I would have snapped a pic with my camera phone. I always miss out on the good stuff. Dang it.

If there's one thing we need around Stacy From Louisville (besides common sense) it's a shout out for Pumpkin Carving Ministry. It's a spiritual gift, but a secret one. It's true. Okay, it's not true but it sounds good so I'm going with it. The point is, pumpkins, like any good squash or root vegetable can represent cross sections of Christian culture. For example...

Pumpkin a la Women's Ministry
See how happy and smiley? It wants to hug you and help you find a pretty corduroy jumper for your next night out with your husband. Sexy. If this beautykin could talk she'd say, "Hope to see you at the fall women's retreat!" To which I'd probably tell you it's okay to convert, just until the first snow falls.


Church Greeter Pumpkin
This smile, permanently plastered to his face, is there just for the purpose of saying, "Good Morning!" 50,000 times in a row. Plus, he spits a little every time he talks. Nice. If you don't have a good experience at church he'll find out about it and force happy pills down your throat until you change your story. But be careful! If he spots a visitor, or - heaven help us - a nonbeliever, it's all over. They'll need to pull out the pepper spray and run. Fast. This is church. You're going to be happy and like it, or you're gettin' jumped by this guy. P.S. He's got bad post-communion breath. Aw snap.





Youth Group Pumpkin
Oh, for shame! You mutant, hormonal, sarcastic teenagers. You won't get into any notable Bible Colleges if you keep this up. And girls, you can just forget marrying a pastor with pumpkin posterior humor. This is serious. I'm taking away your pot if you don't stop. (Not that I advocate pot. I only advocate mooning pumpkins statues.)



Pastoral Staff Meeting Pumpkin
Are you in vocational ministry? Do you ever feel misunderstood? Ever long for the safe haven of your office where you can surf SFL archives? I know your pain. I used to be on the vocational ministry fast track. It never worked out for me, though. To this day I still can't figure out why...


Caption Contest Pumpkin
Now it's your turn. Caption this pumpkin scenario. Be creative, or sarcastic, or whatever it takes to win big. You've seen in the past that I do some fun contests. ("Blog Fodder - Contests & Giveaways" will show you what I mean.) So here's your chance. Contest runs until midnight Pacific time on Sunday (October 19). Judges will be announced and a picture of the prize will be posted over the weekend. Here's hoping....

Bible College Survival Pack Update

Here's a shout out for Bub. He leaves some great comments but that's not what makes him famous. He won a SFLBC Survival Pack. Click over to God, Me & Poker for a pictorial journal showing him putting his gift pack to good use. When I saw it I laughed out loud, doubled over, in hysterics. Here it is, Mr. Postman.

Here's a shout for Dog Snob, who also won a Bible College Survival Pack. Lucky girl laid claim to a personalized "Wide Hips Increase Fellowships" hankie. With the nation in such financial upheaval you can imagine what it's like for her to have such a national treasure. She took some great pics, too. Venture over to What's In My Head... Interesting Candy.

Enjoy!!!

P.S. I'm making some changes to SFL. Thanks for your patience. As I'm sure you can imagine changing the template was a major undertaking. Beads of perspiration dot my forehead from all the concentration. So, tell the truth, do you like the green? Dan hates it. I don't. He had no real reason for hating it other than hating it. I reasoned, "I like it because my eyes are green so it all coordinates." Overwhelmed by my logic, he said, "Goodnight, My Green Eyed Goddess." Okay, I made that last part up, but still, he went to bed. Don't be afraid to side with him, even though he is wrong. And don't mind affirming my choice since I hold the purse strings on the give aways around here. Hint, hint.

Smooth Grandamama

I'm not going to pretend to be cool, because I'm not. My children, 5 and 7, are starting to figure this out for themselves and it's not pretty. This past Sunday I walked my daughter to her Sunday School class. As we walked she kept saying, "It's okay Mom. Seriously, I can walk myself to the chapel." My feelings were hurt, I'm not gonna lie. But at the same time I realized she saw my NQ (Nerd Quotient) for what it was: a big, thick stew of crazy about to boil over, and she wasn't about to get spattered.

So to celebrate my affinity for all things odd and ridiculous, I'd like to share my all time favorite rewrite of secular music lyrics, cause you know I'm wicked crazy in love with that concept. Remember "Smooth Criminal" by Michael Jackson? Yeah, it didn't ever make sense to me either. But luckily, in this stellar portrayal it's all about evangelism.

Since it's all about evangelism be sure to show it to at least 3 unsaved friends. They will immediately understand everything you have labored to communicate to them. They're going to come flying forward.

Trust me.

My Baby's 5 Today

Dan's got competition, but he's good with it. This dude stole my heart and hid it somewhere I never hope to find it. When the ultrasound tech said, "It's a boy!" a tear fell from my eye and I wondered if I'd ever recover. How's it possible to fall in love with someone you've never met? I still can't answer the question but I know such magic happened to me. The spell unravels itself daily and I'm neck-deep in crazy love.

I love him because he sat in the barber's chair and said, "I need to get my faux hawk on."

I love him because he told his Sunday School teacher, "I'm hip and fly."

I love him because no matter what I tell him we're having for dinner he says, "You mean tomato and poop soup?"

I love him because when we went to Wal-Mart he told me he wanted a Transformer just like the one on his underwear. Then pulled down his pants in the main aisle to show me what he was talking about. Just so there'd be no confusion.

I love him because he runs to me with a tube of hair gel and says, "Mom, I need you to 'hauk' my 'faux'."

I love him because he walks past the office and looks in at me at the computer. Then he throws his hand up to his forehead and says to his sister, "It's Stuff Christians Like. Mom's trying to be funny again. This is gonna take awhile." Then shakes his head and walks away.

I love that today he's gonna think he's all about it when he sees his likeness plastered on my blog. He's hit the big time for sure.

Thanks for indulging me today. This post is for him; the 5 year old with the faux hauk who stole my heart.

And I love his sister because she told him, after he opened his gifts, "I think it's so great that after you go to bed Mom & Dad are going to give your stuff away to charity."

Oh, the legacy we build around here every day...