Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Jacked Up Jack-O-Lantern CONTEST

(This is a contest, ergo "contest" in the title. Read through the post and find your assignment at the bottom. Good luck!)

I don't know if Little Boy Jesus ever went Trick or Treating. There's just some things Scripture doesn't speak to. But I can imagine LBJ (Little Boy Jesus, not Lyndon B. Johnson) dressed as a camel or Buzz Lightyear or Gene Simmons. (or not) He's carrying his empty gourd hoping to score some mad candy and hummus as he celebrates Halloween, Nazareth style. Surely, though, there were some people who weren't into Halloween, even then. No pumpkins, no costumes, no candy, no nothin'. I have this theory that's what initially caused the rift between Him and the Pharisees. Yep, I'm blaming anti-halloween stingy candy uppityness. Cheating LBJ out of taffy and tootsie rolls was a big mistake. Huge.

Fast forward 2000+ years. The same thing happens, but with a holy spin. At church last week I overheard one woman talking to another, saying, "I take the pumpkin, carve a cross instead of a face, put a lit candle inside, then turn off all the lights and pretend we're not home when people ring the doorbell. That's how we do Halloween." It was a really animated conversation. Though I can't be sure I think I saw her pull the template out of her bootleg Coach purse. If I would have been thinking I would have snapped a pic with my camera phone. I always miss out on the good stuff. Dang it.

If there's one thing we need around Stacy From Louisville (besides common sense) it's a shout out for Pumpkin Carving Ministry. It's a spiritual gift, but a secret one. It's true. Okay, it's not true but it sounds good so I'm going with it. The point is, pumpkins, like any good squash or root vegetable can represent cross sections of Christian culture. For example...

Pumpkin a la Women's Ministry
See how happy and smiley? It wants to hug you and help you find a pretty corduroy jumper for your next night out with your husband. Sexy. If this beautykin could talk she'd say, "Hope to see you at the fall women's retreat!" To which I'd probably tell you it's okay to convert, just until the first snow falls.


Church Greeter Pumpkin
This smile, permanently plastered to his face, is there just for the purpose of saying, "Good Morning!" 50,000 times in a row. Plus, he spits a little every time he talks. Nice. If you don't have a good experience at church he'll find out about it and force happy pills down your throat until you change your story. But be careful! If he spots a visitor, or - heaven help us - a nonbeliever, it's all over. They'll need to pull out the pepper spray and run. Fast. This is church. You're going to be happy and like it, or you're gettin' jumped by this guy. P.S. He's got bad post-communion breath. Aw snap.





Youth Group Pumpkin
Oh, for shame! You mutant, hormonal, sarcastic teenagers. You won't get into any notable Bible Colleges if you keep this up. And girls, you can just forget marrying a pastor with pumpkin posterior humor. This is serious. I'm taking away your pot if you don't stop. (Not that I advocate pot. I only advocate mooning pumpkins statues.)



Pastoral Staff Meeting Pumpkin
Are you in vocational ministry? Do you ever feel misunderstood? Ever long for the safe haven of your office where you can surf SFL archives? I know your pain. I used to be on the vocational ministry fast track. It never worked out for me, though. To this day I still can't figure out why...


Caption Contest Pumpkin
Now it's your turn. Caption this pumpkin scenario. Be creative, or sarcastic, or whatever it takes to win big. You've seen in the past that I do some fun contests. ("Blog Fodder - Contests & Giveaways" will show you what I mean.) So here's your chance. Contest runs until midnight Pacific time on Sunday (October 19). Judges will be announced and a picture of the prize will be posted over the weekend. Here's hoping....


40 comments:

My Twenty Cents Keeps Moving said...

I told you not to let the kid near Jacko.

Steve said...

Founding member pumpkin. This pumpkin eats pastors for breakfast, and because he is one of the founding members of the church everyone lets him. Founding member pumpkin has not found a pastor yet that he didn't like to chew on, and he has spit out every pastor the church has had since the first one in 1953....

Candace Jean July 16 said...

Definitely the only way a pumpkin can side-hug with no arms and legs. Pictoral documentation that sometimes we Christians tend to eat our young.

Joanna said...

Little pumpkins are friends not food

fb said...

New volunteer pumpkin. If we get one - we eat them up until they are all gone!!!! But I think Steve's is better.........

Miss Hannah said...

Overprotective Homeschool Mom pumpkin. Watch as her 16 year old tries desperately to fit in with the other youth group kids but can't due to his mom putting the kibosh on all things "dangerous" (read: fun).
"I'm sorry Junior, you can't go to the 'Hell House' this year - it's too similar to those 'haunting houses' that celebrate 'Satan's Favorite Day.' Oh, the youth pastor is in a band? And they play rock and roll? Hmm ... His long hair was one thing, and I was willing to overlook his irreverance for the house of God by wearing ripped jeans to worship, but I cannot support his involvement in the devil's music. I think we're going to have to pull you out of youth group and get you volunteering with the AWANAs."
Can often be located near Pumpkin a la Women's Ministry.

Christy said...

I thought I told you, "NO RUNNING IN THE SANCTUARY"!

Anonymous said...

Nursery worker pumpkin.
Proof that mothers will eat their young!

~Lois

teamstrand said...

i think this is the best time to see what Jon would say...

vanilla said...

re: yg pumpkin. I thought you meant the pot he seems to be prepping to use. never thought of the other "pot" until you mentioned it.

contest: I dasn't enter, lest my BBH (beloved better half) disown me for playing around with halloween.

emily grace said...

The Eldest Elder Pumpkin.
You want to use electric guitar and play something other than hymns and Maranatha Praise songs? You want to use a translation that's not King James? You want children's church to include videos of talking vegetables?

Thou hast been warned against such unruly change. (Read: Stay traditional or the old dude will eat you.)

Jeremy said...

In honor of the fact that it's an election year...

Sharing-Your-Political-Views-At-Church Pumpkin: "People that disagree with me sure taste alot like raw pumpkin."

eastern ky pastor said...

Entry 1) But, Stacy I was just kidding, when I said I wanted an Official SFLBC Chaplin ID Badge!

Entry 2) Leg Drops? I'll show you leg drops!

Joanna said...

When veggie tales crosses over to the dark side

elj377 said...

The two face member of the church...says one thing that's rather nice but then turns around and says something else completely evil@!

Nicole said...

The Dean of Women pumpkin at your local Bible College:

Being the Alpha female of the herd, the Dean of Women pumpkin welds her powers with an iron jaw. Not only does she chew you up and spit you out for unruly behavior such as dancing, talking to boys, wearing skits that show your knees, and saying the word butt. She also uses this iron force to tell you all the horrible things that she has heard about you. Thus the iron jaw is double edged. And it proves that she really does have spies on the inside...or maybe cameras...But not to fret her power only exists over a particular group of women...help...

Jacob and Andi said...

The Building Committee Pumpkin:

Where everything seems like it's okay until you disagree on whether you should have a full court or a half court to practice your holy hook shot and somebody gets their head bit off.

Rob said...

"Say the words 'youth group lock-in' just one more time and I will kill you."

When church janitor pumpkins go bad...

Kitty said...

Anonymous -aka- Lois, I was totally thinking "Childcare worker pumpkin" when I saw the pic, and then I saw your post! weird.

Sunny said...

Those mooning pumpkins...who thought that up? hi-larious! Can't see me putting on in my yard, but I can laugh at it. Although, I could see you putting it in your yard! You are funny like that!

p.s. tagged you on my blog for 6 things...hope you'll play along..

daphne said...

why is the run always gone?

daphne said...

THE RUM!! The RUM!! Why is the RUM always gone?!?

Stacy from Louisville said...

Daphne,
Of all the evil curses I am allergic to rum. What kind of crazy universe it this. I'm a pumplinaholic instead.

Hummmmmm....

Rick the Polonian said...

Evil Sunday School Teacher: "This is what happens when little boys and girls don't sit still...You go to the BAD PLACE and they eat you up."

JennyM said...

Head Elder to New Pastor-"I said I'd chew you up and spit you out if you suggested using woman pastors in our church again!!"

Kate (17) said...

Pumpkin Carver: "Hmmm... you think the sad expression on the tiny pumpkins face might be over-doing it a little?"

---

If Satan were a pumpkin...

---

Jonah and the pumpkin

Prodigal Jon said...

"What happens when you tell the director of VBS that you will not be able to help this year."

Awesome contest SFL. I can't wait for the first SFL/SCL conference.

Anonymous said...

You ate my Skittles!

mistymorningmountain said...

John Piper eats Joel Olsteen while Joel's terrified cries of "Datty! Datty!" go unanswered.

Pam said...

The Fisher's jack-o-lantern is just like the magnetic ichthus that eats the "evolution" fish on their car. Only scarier. . .

Helen said...

This is why coffee should be provided for the Sunday school teachers before the start of class.

bpinks said...

Sound guy pumpkin:
Who touched my board?!?

Beth said...

And so all the baby pumpkins learned that fateful Sunday that babies should always, ALWAYS go to the nursery. Because if you cried in the sanctuary, Pastor Peter Pumpkin would quickly silence those cries...

teamstrand said...

That's what happens if you try to decorate your own VBS classroom.

Marni said...

This isn't to be considered for my entry because it's lame...

But this is what I envision when I think of Jon's entry as it pertains to a church fall bake sale (not Halloween bake sale, that's of satan himself):

And devil, ohhh devil, we put you on notice. No longer will you have control over our annual bake sale. The mistakes we made last year and the fights we had at the peach pie table have been forgiven and forgotten. We put you on notice devil."

The entries you getting are hoot! I can't wait to see who the winner is.

Jamie said...

Do I have anything in my teeth?

Jen said...

This is what'll happen to you if you are female and you wear pants at certain baptist churches.

J-Ra said...

Children's Ministry Pumpkin: The mean man who all of the 5-year-olds are afraid of is working the nursery this week. "I promise, Mommy, I'll be quiet during service. Just don't send me in there with him."

mchersh said...

This is what you get for deleting all those holy e-mails - next time pass them on, you're delaying Jesus' return.

Christy said...

"Why incest is wrong. Reason #27"

Thanks for extending the deadline. I tried to submit this twice over the weekend from my phone but had no cell service!!!