Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Stacy from Snotville

Every person in my house has a sinus infection. That's 8 nostrils plugged or running like a faucet. My son was the first to get sick. He decided to let me in on it by wiping his nose on 3 couch cushions. Disgusting? Yes. So when you come over to my house you don't have to park your rear on my sectional. I don't blame you at all. You can sit on the carpet...

Once, when my daughter had the spew flu and decided to decorate the carpet, I thought I'd die. You know what I mean: chunckage + wool = I'd rather sell the house than clean it up. I begged a friend to let me borrow her steam rug cleaner. With a little effort the carpet was like new. Thankful for her help, I returned the cleaner. Only I forgot to change the water from the suction chamber. Interestingly, when that friend moved she forgot to tell me. I thought that was kind of sucky, but in a completely different way.

Snot. Puke. Two totally disgusting - and embarrassing - issues. It's a general theory of mine that bodily fluids should never be discussed. Unless it's funny. So I'm wondering if you have a funny snot, pee, poop, puke, story. I'll go first:

A friend of mine had a baby in November and chose to breast feed. In January she ventured to the mall between feedings, sans baby, to return something. Though it was freezing she left her coat in the car, reasoning she'd be in and out quickly. She ended up being in the store much longer than she intended. So much so, her milk came in while she was checking out, and that took longer and longer...until her shirt was soaked through. And she had no coat. She left the store but couldn't remember where she had parked. By the time she got in her car her shirt was frozen... Frozen. To. Her. Chest. (Which makes me wonder if we've got any ice cream because my throat sure hurts...)

So please, let's share some gross and embarassing stories. Like, say, when you have a big blow out sneeze and get boogers in your hair but no one tells you. (Not that this ever happened to me...) Stuff like that. And there's always fart stories, burping, puke... Or, being impaled with a 3 inch splinter in the left butt cheek while sunbathing, having a Bible college male prof wanting to remove it with pliers, but deciding to have it surgically removed, then getting notes for weeks telling said person not to worry about the splinter of wood in other people's eye until taking care of the shard of wood in your own butt, then being called Shard Butt for months. You know, embarrassing stuff.

So dish already!

28 comments:

Candace Jean July 16 said...

I'm a nurse, Stacy from Snotville, so I've got more stories than time to share. Suffice it to say they would turn your toenails to snot. But I have two words for you and your snot.

NETI POT.

Yes, it really, really works. I also have instructions for a "nose hosing" that I'll send you if you want - just email me.

HAHAHA - WV = rench. Perfect!

Amanda Mae said...

Listen.
One time I was working in the nursery for the English as a Second Language class at my church. A lady came and dropped off a baby who was easily the largest child under the age of one I have ever seen. She handed him to me, and he was cute and giggly, as babies often are. Then, she left. He started crying uncontrollably and he cried FOR. EVER. So I was holding him and bouncing him and walking him around, and speaking to him in the limited Spanish that I know, and nothing helped. So first, I was all covered with snot and tears. Then, he continued crying so hard that he started choking, and choking led to gagging, and gagging led to throwing up aaaaaallllll over me. The delightful thing is that I was wearing overalls, and he managed to throw up down the inside of them. It was gross. And it wasn't just baby spit up. There was lots of disgustingness in that puke. So, yeah. I don't recommend getting covered in puke if at all possible.
Later, I may tell you a story about one time when I had the stomach flu. Something to look forward to.

Helen said...

I will share my most embarassing moment with you, but it has nothing to do with body fluids, just death. I think it fits, because some body fluid stories just make you want to die, don't they?


Now, my most embarrassing moment (which I had occasion to share on Nick the Geek's blog today, but for entirely different reasons). My Uncle Ray died many years ago. He used to wear his hair in a comb over, and wore a black t-shirt and black jeans everywhere, including weddings, but we (his nieces and nephews, as he had no wife or children) loved him very much.
At his wake, his nephews and nieces were lamenting that the funeral home gave him a haircut instead of allowing him to keep the comb over, as we remember him. Then I added "Yeah, and everyone knows he wouldn't be caught dead in a suit!" I think I was more horrified than anyone else. I know that the story would be more appropriate if someone spewed coffee after I said it, so let's just say that they did.....;-)

Mella DP said...

I don't know...as far as I can tell, among parents of young children, discussion of bodily fluids constitutes small talk.

I don't have children, but my cat does something I can only describe as "projectile sneezing."

Beth E. said...

We were vacationing at a beach resort one year with our family. Hubby and sons spent the afternoon out in the hot sun, eating peanuts and drinking strawberry soda pop. When they got back to our beach house - decorated beautifully with light beige carpeting - our youngest stepped into the front door and spewed bits of peanuts and strawberry pop all over that beautiful carpet. We spent the rest of the day trying to get it up so we wouldn't lose our damage deposit. Can't look at a strawberry pot even today without thinking about that day! Ewww...

Oh, and Candace Jean July 16 is right about the Neti Pot. It works great. For me personally, it's better to start using it after you get over the sinus infection. Usually, sinus infections have me stopped up so completely that the neti pot won't work. That might just be me, though.

Hope everyone feels better soon!

katdish said...

I want to begin by saying, thank you for the gift of going first. Candy's right - neti pot all the way.

Okay here's gross:

A woman I used to work with at an O&G company was interviewing for a position as a petroleum engineer. During the interview, the man interviewing her was cleaning his ears with a large bobby pin. Towards the end of the interview, he must have forgotten where he was in some kind of ear cleaning induced eurphoria and proceeded to put the bobby pin in his mouth. It came out clean.

I don't care who ya are...that's disgusting right there. I hope no one is eating while reading this comment. I think I actually just vurped.

Raw Faith Real World said...

I've got a billion embarrassing stories, several including bodily functions... some involving other people’s bodily functions. Anyone who knows me knows I would rather have my eyes chewed out by rabid weasels that to attend or participate in the dreaded women’s luncheon / fashion show. Against my better judgement I agreed to lead worship at one. The room was packed with women. We had just finished lunch when I started leading worship. Several women were there with nursing babies. The babies had just eaten too. We were right in the middle of leading worship singing the old worship song, Come Let Us Worship and Bow Down. For those of you who are familiar with the song, you know it’s slow and there are pauses after a lot of the lines. So we sing... “Come let us worship and bow down... and in perfect timing... and in perfect pitch (which I didn’t know was possible to do) one of the babies does a huge projectile vomit. It was something like this.... “come let us worship and bow down...” WRETCH... PROJECTILE VOMIT... SPLAT... “Let us kneel before the Lord our God our Maker.”

At that point we just all cracked up because it was so perfect. I almost wet myself I laughed so hard. Hopefully that wasn’t God’s comment on our worship. I’m convinced that the fact that we were built to fart, burp, throw up, and produce gallons of snot capable of going every which way proves that God has a sense of humor and doesn’t want us to take ourselves too seriously.

Anonymous said...

This is less of a gross story and more of a just embarrassing story, but here goes. I was in West Africa and this, of course, requires the use of sqatty potties. The food you end up eating in a place like that makes the use of the squatty potty a bit more frequent. Anyway, I am in there with my skirt lifted up and I am trying to do my business and not get in on shoes. Then one of the village men walks in on me. It was probably one of the most awkward moments ever for both of us. He froze for a second and then turned and ran out saying something in his language. You don't need to speak the same language to guess what that was about. hahaha

Beth said...

I'd leave a funny story, but the baby just puked on me a little bit, my son came downstairs soaked head to toe in pee, and from the smell coming from the laundry room, the dog pooped in there again. My life IS bodily fluids. I'm thinking of posting a hazardous waste sign by my front door. 'Scuse me for a moment....

Anonymous said...

OK, my story isn't so gross as it was amusing. We had just gotten a new young kitty, about 7 months old. My husband was curled up in bed and the cat was sitting on the end of the bed. Hubby farted...loudly...and the cat pounced the fart! Well, maybe you had to be there, but we laughed until we cried, and then some!

Nelson's Mama said...

Years ago, My Mom, Best Friend and I were enjoying a day at Panama City Beach (and it MIGHT have involved adult beverages, I'm just sayin).

It was during April spring break, if I remember correctly, so the beach was packed, and I was walking a few steps in front of my mother.

All at once she loudly proclaim "Honey, you have a string on your swimsuit!"

Whereupon she FIRMLY grasped my tampon string and gave it a YANK!!

You want to talk about being pulled up short...and being embarassed all at the same time!

Annie said...

One of my all-time faves was Christmas morning three years ago. My son was 5 and my daughter 3. They were so excited for Christmas to finally arrive - when my son came running into my room at 5am, I wasn't even surprised - I just opened my eyes, but stayed in bed. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what?" "Did Santa come?" "I don't know, I don't feel so ......" And with that, he proceeded to throw up all over me right there in my bed!

teamstrand said...

where to begin...

my most recent funny fart story...

we were at a staff meeting for our school and my son's teacher was noticeably upset about what was being said. In her moment of glory, she leaned forward to share her point and farted this loud popping fart.

i laughed, then had to go to parent teacher conferences with her.

A friend of ours was serving a big dinner to her HS son's basketball team. Her husband was leading the boys in prayer and all got quiet. She for some reason felt she didn't need to pray and was quietly reaching up to get another bowl when she let one go. To hear her son share the story is wonderful fun.

Stacy from Louisville said...

Nelson's Mama-
OK, you win, and this isn't even a contest. I don't know what to say about that. Right now I'm laughing and also a little weirded out. That is the craziest thing I have ever heard. Congratulations!

jennyleigh said...

A couple of months ago I happened to sit next to a young mother and her one-month-old son. To my delight, she asked if I'd like to hold him. He was so cuddly and sweet, and I cradled him in my arms for a little while. It seemed as if he wanted to "look around," so I lifted him to my shoulder, at which time, he decided it would be an opportune to hurl -- directly into the pocket above my left breast. I almost laughed out loud -- until I took a big whiff, which brought a stop to that. So I sat through church with a obviously wet smelly boob. Nice. LOL!

wv: iseemock - a personal view of barf

fb said...

Nelson's Mama - that was hilarious!!!

Marni said...

Nelson's Mama...oh my heck girl. I'm gonna have to tell my friends about that one. You should go on a speaking tour to colleges and tell the students about "the dangers of drinking" ;)

Here's my gross story:

My youngest had cancer 5 years ago (she's fine now...no worries...let this be a fun story for you!) Any way, radiation to the belly can cause some wicked constipation. We were on day 10 of no action. The docs were concerned that if things didn't get moving soon, they'd have to surgically go in and "unbind her intestines". We started giving her Miralax (which I have to say is orderless and tasteless and can be dissolved into any food or beverage and it can be detected. Do what you want with that knowledge...) On day 11, the Miralax kicked in--as baby girl is napping on the couch. She was sleeping so hard, she didn't even know she'd detonated. I walk through the living room and am all "(gag)--what is that smell??" and then realized my 3 year old had let loose 10 days worth of meals in to the center of my fairly new couch....yeah...

I moved her and cleaned her up without her waking up so as not to upset her. And let me tell you, chemo poop is gosh-awful smelling. Then I had to decide a plan of action for the couch. My plan was to put it to the curb with a hazmat sign on it, but the hubs is a tight wad...so I set about cleaning it. It was a beating, but 3 hours later, the mess and the smell (thank goodness) was gone. For the next day or so, we kept rubber sheets under her until we were sure Miralax was done doin it's thang...

Marni said...

Check that...it should say Miralax CAN'T be detected...do with that what you will.

Claire Koenig said...

Neti Pot - I got my husband to start using one because he suffers from allergies all spring and I get tired of listening to the various nose noises. He discovered that sometimes it will drain from the nostril (again) maybe a half hour after you used it. Surprise!

Vomit - my one-year-old (she's now 23 and hates this story) is very fussy in her car seat, long day at church, daddy is youth pastor so I'm always driving separate, I'm taking her home. She cries louder and louder until, yes, major spew all over the back of the front seat, floor, seat, herself. She feeels better, falls asleep in her own little puddle of puke. I continue driving home, thinking "How do I clean this up?" Get home, put on my raincoat, carry the angelic sleeping child in, strip clothes, wipe her up, clean jammies, return to the car, scoop, wipe, hose till it's clean. My husband still raves about me actually doing the cleanup.

Snot: This one's my own. We are in a restaurant and I laugh one of those laughs where something in your nose lets go. But I can't find it. Surreptitiously look around, wipe nose and face, nothing. A few minutes later the person next to me shows me his spoon, disgusted at the lack of sanitation in the restaurant. It is found! I act shocked and equally disgusted.

mchersh said...

Claire Koenig - your snot story made me snort! I loved it :-)...

Rachel said...

My gross story involves vomit and poop - happening at the same time!! It's 5:30 am on the Tuesday before Easter break. I had eaten Chinese food for dinner the night before, and hadn't slept well due to indigestion. Since the alarm will go off in 15 minutes, I just get up. While taking care of morning 'business' I start to feel a bit worse - stomach is making interesting gurgling noises.... then the gurgling noises move down to and through the intestine.

Mom was kind enough to get me a bucket. By this time, I am having diarrhea, and can tell stuff is going to come up the top end. Mom was kind enough to hold the bucket for me so I could vomit and poop at the same time... I was 23 at the time. This is how I know she loves me. :)

Nelson's Mama said...

Thanks Ya'll!

My Mom and friend still laugh at how high my voice went when I screamed "Well, Mama!!"

J-Ra said...

So, I had a girlfriend about 3.5 years ago. This was a long distance thing, so we didn't see each other often. She came to visit one weekend, so I decided to take her on our first (and only) date.
I'd found some coupons to Sweet Tomatoes, so the question of where to go was answered. We took the city bus over to the restaurant (and by now, I'm sure you can smell the romance). We eat there, talking about whatever couples who never see each other talk about.
Later on that night, her friend takes us to a place called Organ Stop Pizza, so we stuffed our faces yet again.
Later, she dropped me off at my dorm room and we stalled because we knew we wouldn't see each other again for a while (the next time we see each other being our break-up, but that's neither here nor there). Anyway, we say our final goodbyes and share our first kiss.

She then proceeds to find a bush or trash can in which to vomit. I still blame all the food.

Susan O. said...

You know how we all hear God's timing is perfect? This just happened this week, and there simply was NO ONE I could think of to tell this awesome tale.

My son is the only child in the world who does not pick his nose. He never has, and when I tell him to blow it, he's not keen on that either. He's ten, for crying our loud. He should be loving picking his nose.

We were coming home from school Monday afternoon and I looked over at him. I said, "Dude. You have a giant nose goblin. You need to pick your nose." (He sits in the front seat because he is as tall as I am, at 5'4"...no hatin'.)

He went in my purse and got the one remaining crumpled tissue. He got busy and after about thirty seconds I heard, "Woooooah."
I looked over, and on the tissue there was the biggest ever nose goblin. Seriously, if we hadn't been driving in a 25 zone, I would have had to pull over.
I looked at him incredulously, still trying to drive, and said, "CAN YOU BREATHE BETTER NOW????"
Have you ever seen mini ziti? This was a nose goblin tube. It was a TUBE, a ZITI OF BOOGER.
It was a proud moment, for sure.

katdish said...

Oh, man! I can SO relate to Susan O.

I am by far, the most disgusting person in my house....

I'll give you a moment while the shock of that statement wears off a bit...

I can't honestly say that my 11 year old son doesn't pick his nose, though. Perhaps I'll share this story with him. It's good to have goals.

Miss W said...

Thanks for making me laugh. I can't stop laughing at Nelson's Mama's story. I might have to steal it, seriously.

I don't have a story about body fluids, but true story, an elderly lady at our church dropped her half-slip down around her ankles while singing in front of the entire church. After the song, she kicked it back to her seat while everyone else tried to keep straight faces.

Cami said...

I have four beautiful girls. That were each breastfed. There was so many perks to breastfeeding. Breastfeeding was so easy. And a poopy diaper from a baby that is drinking breast milk is not that smelly at all. Maybe a grainy yellow in color, but not smelly like regular poop.
So my hubby and were at a BBQ, and I had just made fed the baby. Figuring I had a few moments, I made myself a big plate of picnic food. Tater salad. Burger (with the works). Chips. Dip. And I was just sitting down to eat my food, when my 2nd baby started her crying. I did a quick diaper check and sure enough she had deposited a generous amount of poo in her diaper. Fearing a blowout I quickly changed her into a new diaper.
That done, I placed my wee one back in her carrier and grabbed my plate of food. (Oh, I was so hungry!) I was about to put a forkful of tater salad in my mouth when I noticed I had gotten mustard on my wrist. "Hmm... probably from making my burger." So I quickly licked the mustard off my wrist.
Nano seconds later, the realization that what I just licked off my wrist was NOT mustard, but baby poo. The afore mentioned yellow grainy breastfed non smelly baby poo.
I still cannot eat stadium mustard to this day. I will ONLY use the bright yellow version of mustard.

Katie Oliver said...

I'm a little late on this one, but I just started reading this blog (and to be honest, I'm reading it all through while at work).

My mother-in-law told me a story that I just had to share, and then I'll tell my own.

When my MIL was young, she had just eaten some chocolate. Her son (my now husband) was just a wee baby at the time and needed to be changed. So she changed him, and turning away, she noticed she had some chocolate on her hand. She licked it off.
It wasn't chocolate.

My story? I was giving my husband an hour long massage with oil, candles, soft music...the works. I was seated on him. Somewhere in the middle of the quiet still and his relaxing massage, I cut the cheese. First time ever in front of him. Talk about embarrassing. He still teases me about that one!