Jon Acuff's Birthday Is Friday! Yippeeee!

In addition to today's post we have some very important business.

1) Be sure to send your card, even if it's late it still counts! My husband took a Christmas letter from a relative, scratched out their names all through the letter, signed our names and sent it to Jon. It's spectacular. And that's just how easy this can be. Here's the address.

2) E-mails & Facebook messages are the second point of attack. But don't send these until Friday morning. Think we can make his e-mail read "inbox full"?

This is gonna be awesome!

What's Your Worst Christmas Gift Ever?

You know how I feel about class and culture on my blog. But do you have any idea the lengths to which I'll go to bring you such quality? It's not uncommon for me to sift through merchandise at Stumpy's Food Mart, only to second guess what I should purchase. I lay in bed at night, tossing and turning to answer this pivotal question: Is it TACKY enough? Do you know how hard it is to decide between a pooping reindeer candy dispenser and pickled eggs, harvested fresh from the jar by Buzz, the hairy gas station attendant?

So, it is in this vein, that I simply must tell you all - I'm sorry, but the pressure was too much. I won't be purchasing Christmas gifts for all of you this year.

But I will do the next best thing by showing you what I was going to send. I hope you like it.




Don't leave yet! I have a question. What is the worst Christmas gift you've ever received? Go ahead and dish. I won't tell.

P.S. I'll meet you over at SCL tomorrow morning for a good scoop of crazy. Come on, you know you want to...

HELP! Christmas Women's Ministry Ideas Needed!

I'm in the process of writing about women's ministry at Christmas time. Believe it or not I've run out of ideas. So, stereotypically speaking, what crazy ridiculous stuff happens during Christmas in women's ministry? What have you experienced? What have you seen? What gets women's knickers in a twist? What do you avoid like the plague?

Let's stir up some insanity....

Winning Caption - And Runners Up

Twas the night before Christmas
Santa wanted to get smashed
But he was stuck taking pictures
With this pain in the....
- Teamstrand

Congratulations to Teamstrand! It's just like everyone's favorite movie "It's A Wonderful Life": "Mommy, teacher says, 'Every time a disco ball blings a blogger gets free things!'" So, in the spirit of The Season, Teamstrand will rake in The Classy Christmas Crap Pile.

But I'm not out of love yet my friends. That's right, there are some runners up. Each will receive a special SFL consolation prize. Here they are in all their glory.

Santa's inner monologue - "I am so getting out of debt this year. I can't take much more of this crap..." -Pastor Swish

Opening the church Christmas card, Elder Smith knew the New Year would bring some staffing changes at First Grace Baptist Community Bible Church Fellowship. -Deb (it was the church's name that went on and on that wowed one judge)

The results of Prancer's broken leg are proving quite disastrous. -Karen

If your name is on the list send your address to stacyasmall@att.net

Thanks to everyone who played along....both with the contest and my delusions... You guys rock my blog every day!

Jon Acuff's Birthday is December 19!

December 19 is National Jon Acuff Birthday Day. In order to celebrate Jon's birthday we need to send him some cards ASAP. 10 cards would be nice. 50 cards would be exceptional. But 200 cards - well that would be downright annoying. So that's why we're shooting for 200. To pull this off we have to work together and do 2 things:

1) Send Jon a card, or two... And it doesn't have to be a birthday card. Got a leftover Sympathy card in the bottom of a junk drawer? Perfect! Have a Christmas card you just got in the mail? Scratch out your friend's name and write yours in. Whatever option takes the least amount of work for you, pursue that option. (Please be sure to include your user name, too.)

2) Put the word out on your blog! Tell people what we're doing and how they can get involved.

Here's Jon's address:

Jonathan Acuff
PO Box 4522
Alpharetta, GA, 30023

And just in case some of you are thinking, "This is stupid!", I have one thing to say: YES, you are correct. And that's why we're doing it.

We've got to work fast! Post on your blog today!

CONTEST LOOT & Judges: It's Not Too Late!!

When it comes to contests on Stacy From Louisville there's one standard I will not compromise: class. You know, as in classy, or en vogue. My thought pattern goes something like this: "If Sassafrass labored to capture the essence of this photo, I should reward him/her according to the effort set forth." So, it is in that vein that I present to you the best seasonal merchandise The Dollar Tree, Wal-Greens, & Stumpy's Food Mart have to offer. Please say hello to...

The SFL 2008 Classy Christmas Crap Pile

The CCCP Contains the following:

One Super Dooper Reindeer Pooper - Ever seen those fancy candy dispensers that save your money and reward you with a nice gumball? This is nothing like that. It's one of Santa's reindeer helpers. When you push on his head he poops out Jelly Bellies! You can take it into work and giggle to yourself as you eat the candy. When your friends ask what's so funny you can say "Doody." (Which is a fun word to say and not used nearly enough in the English language.)

Fruit Cake - I have never eaten fruit cake. I am allergic to wheat. But I'll bet you're not! Do you know what a Christmas gift pack be without fruit cake? A Hanukkah pack. Just saying.

A Musical Christmas Tie - The tie says "Let It Snow" and plays "Silent Night". For no extra charge it's packaged in Mylar. I'm pretty sure you could leave that on there when you wear it, you know, just so you don't stain it.

One Disco Ball Ornament - Cause nothing says "class" like cut pieces of mirror stuck to Styrofoam. True story: When I purchased it the lady said, "Would you mind if I wrapped it separately? It's so pretty I wouldn't want it to break." Yeah, me neither.

One Pink Flamingo Ornament - A flamingo in a bikini with Santa boots. You'll be the envy of the neighborhood.

Jelly Belly Flavor Candy Canes

and

A Crisp $1 Bill (not pictured) - because "Christmas Shoes" MP3 downloads are 99 cents on Amazon!!

So there you have it, the Classy Christmas Crap Pile. Now that you've seen the prize it's important to know you have the rest of today and tomorrow to caption yesterday's picture. Enter as many times as you like.

Now, let's meet the judges.

Meet Judge #1: Paula Abdul
Miss Abdul, please describe yourself...
Paula Abdul (a.k.a. Stacey) is bright and thoughtful with a side of smartmouth. She enjoys coffee, books, taxidermy, in line speed skating, and collecting photographs of T.G. Shepherd. Humility is not her forte.

(I've known Stacey for 20+ years. She's got a huge heart and smells 83% better than most people. And that's her brother in the picture.)



Meet Judge #2: Wicked D.O.P.
And what does D.O.P. stand for? Danced On the Pulpit. That's right. In junior high, during a lock in, she mounted the pulpit for a mambo. She didn't know she was being video taped until the footage was revealed to over 200 people, including her parents. Good times.


Meet Judge #3: Curtis Honeycutt
Curtis, of Stuff Christians Like fame, is the winner of the heaven contest. Curtis has an awesome site called Just Wallpaper. He also has the skills needed to judge a photo caption contest. (Those skills being "literacy" and "super scroll down powers".)



So there you have it. All the makings for one fantastical contest. Hope you enter! And even if you don't win the mother load there may be a few honorable mentions. With SFL you never can tell.

In the meantime what's the worst Christmas decoration you've seen for sale this season?

CHRISTMAS CONTEST! (Or Hooray! More Lame Prizes!)

When it comes to SFL there's nothing I love more than my readers. (Well, that and a good Christmas letter.) So, in the spirit of giving, I want to bestow some fantastical gifts to you, my readers. But you've got to work for it.

Below you will see a charming Christmas photograph. Your job is to caption this photo. Enter as many times as you like. The contest runs from today (Thursday) through Saturday at 11:59 p.m. Pacific time. The judges will select their favorites and narrow it down to one lucky winner.

Judges and contest loot will be announced and pictured on Friday. Good luck!

Caption This Christmas Photo:

That's an interesting question....

My daughter just asked me, "Mom, do you use mind control on your blog?"

My dear readers, how would YOU answer her question? Please leave your comment for her.

Christmas Shoes

I hate the song "Christmas Shoes". And apparently 82% of you feel the same way. No, I have not seen the movie or read the book. So other than the song itself I have not real framework for the story. But based on the song alone here's what I gather...

There's a kid with a sick mom. She's going to die. So instead of comforting her as she dies he decides she won't be able to get into heaven unless she's well dressed. (Some women's ministry programs operate on this same premise. Just saying.) So he goes out to Footlocker on Christmas Eve. Instead of selecting a nice, sensible Hush Puppy, he selects some red, crystal encrusted Dior heels for about $450. He gets up to pay for the shoes, and even though he knocked over a 7-11 on his way over, he doesn't enough coin for the bling. So he deviously cons the guy behind him in line out of some mad cash. He buys the shoes. He shoves the receipt in his pocket. And laughs all the way home. He's taking them back the day after Christmas and pocketing the proceeds.

That's the way it should be anyway. I mean, seriously, people! Who wrote this song? Nobody, I mean N.O. O.N.E. ends up with a Christmas this ridiculously tragic. I don't know if there are world religions that offer divine merit based on footwear, but maybe that's what they were thinking.

I toyed with putting the song and video to "Christmas Shoes" up today. But I wouldn't want you to think I endorse such behavior.

Instead I'm putting up something pretty spectacular to get the "Christmas Shoes" chorus out of your head.

(Could you hurry please? Daddy says there's not much time...) (and yes, I wrote that from memory and I have no excuse for myself)



So, what's your least favorite Christmas song?

Thanks to Marni for the clip!

How To Sabatoge A White Elephant Gift Exchange

Over the years I have become a connoisseur of White Elephant Gift Exchanges. (Hereafter referred to as "WEGE". And yes, it's pronounced like you're thinking.) Every time it's the same. For the entire 4 hours before the event I develop delusions that maybe - just maybe - this year I might win big. Maybe I will take home a Pillsbury Dough Boy carved out of Velveeta. Or maybe a jar candle that smells like "Jumpsuit Elvis". Or anything fiber optic. The anticipation makes my palms sweaty. But I never get the good stuff.

Know what I usually walk away with? CRAP. By "crap" I mean: 1) a stupid gift that's really a piece of land-fill fodder, 2) a stocking full of broken dreams.

Truthfully, WEGE brings out the worst in me. It's the gift stealing that upsets my delicate demeanor. If someone steals my gift I get this overwhelming desire to bludgeon them with a light-up, plastic molded Christ child from the tacky yard display up the street. That's right. Come up against me and I'll drop you like Santa down a chimney.

But not anymore.

You see, I have discovered that WEGE is not about the gifts. These days my goal is to sabotage the game.

Let's set the stage. All of your Sunday School class is gathered in some one's home for the festivities. Holiday sweaters and egg nog abound. People are enjoying themselves. Then it happens. A choleric woman wearing a Santa hat, too much blush and dangly miniature Nutcracker earrings stands. She calls for every one's attention. No one listens. She calls again. Same response. Suddenly, her smile dims, the veins in her neck bulge and she screams, "Merry Christmas!" with all the grace of Gene Simmons.

She announces it's time to begin the gift exchange. She's as jumpy as a junkie squirrel looking for a fix. The antics that will follow will twist her knickers something fierce.

Here are 5 ways to sabotage your next gift exchange. Let's hit the ground running, shall we?

1) Give away liquor. We all know that even mentioning alcohol in some church settings will get you blacklisted. So why not make everyone in the room uncomfortable right from the beginning? Chances are that though they may suspect you of bringing the Satan Water, there are at least 3 other couples they will suspect, too. One year my husband and I brought a 4 pack of wine coolers to a WEGE. But, to push the envelope, we removed one from the pack, leaving a note, "We owe you one." Then we signed the leader's name. Yes, yes we did.

2) Goldfish. Not the VBS snack. We're talking a live fish. In a plastic bag that you just purchased from the pet shop. Put the bag in a pretty box, add a container of fish food, and pray it doesn't die. Why a fish? Because a Golden Retriever is hard to wrap and has a tendency to pee.

3) Go Political. Did you know that not all Christians are Republicans? (gasp) Shocking, I know. Yet regardless of how you voted in the election there's always going to be someone who has a different point of view. So why not unload all your 2008 election paraphernalia? Bumper stickers, t-shirts, yard signs - both local and national. Throwing out phrases like "I voted NObama!" and "I can see Russia from my house!" will make everyone warm and cozy.

4) Is that my purse? This one is serious. I have done it but you've got to be slick. Take some one's purse, throw it in a gift bag, put it under the tree.

And speaking of family portraits...

5) The Christmas Photo. Know that Christmas letter you just got from your Sunday school teacher? The one with the dazzling photo and letter about leaning on God in the midst having irritable bowel syndrome? I say you take that photo, enlarge it to an 11x13 so it's good and grainy, roll it inside a wrapping paper tube, and slap on a bow.

I think I can say at least one of these suggestions would throw a wrench in your next gift exchange. I've done all of them, in one way or another, and it has been spectacular.

Sadly, I could only come up with 5 ways to derail a party. Surely there are more. Since you all are so funny I'll leave it up to you.

What is the worst gift you've given or received at a gift exchange? What gifts would stop you dead in your tracks?