Friday, February 6, 2009

Nothing Says God Loves You Quite Like Mass Carnage

"No one was laughing at Noah anymore. Everything on the land was now under water. Every living thing on earth drowned."

This is a real coloring book page sent to me by my sister. Feel free to print it out, color it, and send it back to me. Who knows? I might just have to post it for everyone to see. Well, that is, everyone who didn't drown in a cataclysmic flood sent by God to wipe out mankind for their heinous sin and general naughtiness. Such honesty in a coloring book is refreshing, though. Can't wait for that extra special page about Abraham's circumcision. Snip, snip!

Today's assignment has 2 parts:
1) What Bible story would you like to see in a coloring book?

2) And, back to this page, let's give these drowning sinners some captions? What are they thinking or saying to one another?


Joanna said...

Wow, thats almost as good as the dinosaur riding Jesus one that's been going round the net.

interestedparty29 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
interestedparty29 said...

My sister got roped into teaching the 3's & 4's class at her church at the last second when the teacher didn't show. She wished she hadn't agreed when handed that day's lesson: Solomon suggesting a baby be cut in half. As she said when she was recuperating later that day: "How do you teach pre-schoolers about this 'wise' man threatening to saw a baby in two without sending them into therapy for life?"

stacie said...

Our pastor never seems to remember what day it is on the four times a year we have "Family Sunday," (when the elementary kids are in with the adults). A couple of years ago, his "Family Sunday" sermon was actually on HELL. Now, I'm not opposed to teaching elementary kids about the existence of hell, but the funniest part was just the kids' reactions to the words he used. (One of the "fill-in-the-blanks" for the Power Point notes was actually "damnation."

Nothing wrong with teaching these things in the right context, but kids were a little shocked to hear the preacher KEEP saying over and over all these words that they've been taught not to say. :-)

Sometimes on Family Sunday they have little hand-outs to help the kids follow along in the service - questions, puzzles, etc., that help the sermon apply to them - but not this day! So, I went home and made my own "Family Sunday" word search (Find these words: BRIMSTONE, DAMNATION, DEATH, ETERNAL, FIRE, GHENNA, HADES, HELL, JUDGMENT, TORMENT...) and a coloring page - and sent it to one of the other staff guys as a tongue-in-cheek "suggestion" for how they might do things on Family Sunday in the future.

I found a line-drawing of some flames (probably actually from the "fiery furnace" story), and this was my caption:

"Color this picture of hell. (Be sure to do your best work and stay in the lines, otherwise…well, you never know…)

How hot do you think it will be?

Is there anyone at church who you think might go there? Why?"

jennyleigh said...

I'd like to see some other pages in that coloring book.

My caption: "Did anyone bring a whistle?"

(Sick Titanic reference.)

Helen said...

Judges 19 A Levite and His Concubine

Now there is a coloring page that would make the flood look good. Maybe even make Stacie reconsider the inappropriateness of her tongue in cheek coloring page.

Jan said...

How about the boys who made fun of Elijah's baldness and were eaten by bears? That would be a fun one. The little boys pointing at him and laughing, one exclaiming, "Baldie!", and then the bear coming out of the woods and massacre-ing them?

Jewda said...

I would like to see Eglon's fat stomach swallowing a dagger, with the next page showing the "dirt pouring out."

I'm trying to think of captions, but nothing's coming to me. I'm so disappointed.

Beth said...

I think Noah should be waving and smiling from the ark muttering "suckers...." Ok, I know that's not Biblical because the ark was sealed tight...blah, blah...

I think we need some super cool color pages of all the visions in Revelation. Then kids could be scared of heaven AND hell.

Marni said...

Jennyleigh we're like twins. I was totally thinking "I'll never let go Jack. I'll never let go!"

I would like to see a coloring page where a bald Elisha sic's bears on rude teenagers. That could be handy for the Jr. High Sunday School class too...

teamstrand said...

just a comment...

for a good 4 months, every time my eldest child colored pictures of Jesus, he put glasses on him.

Beth said...

I would like to see the stoning of Stephen in a coloring book. Like, three guys throwing rocks at Stephen who is looking up and seeing a cloud with God and Jesus standing on it. That would be fantastic.

Dean Kuest said...

I feel a contest coming on!!!

A coloring contest for best representation of a Biblical Catastrophe! I'm sure you could find some nice prizes.

Josh said...

Judges 4!

Pam said...

Josh beat me to it -- Judges 4 and the story of Jael putting the tent peg through Sisera's temple. Always edifying.

Also, the scene in Genesis 9 (the story starts at vs 18) where Noah falls asleep naked & drunk and his sons cover him up - but poor Canaan gets cursed.

Caption: "Now I'm thinking we should have asked him to join the Yacht Club after all."

sonneta said...

Caption: "Noah's going to be completely insufferable after this."

Christina said...

David and Bathsheba: The less palatable, non-Veggietales version.

Skerrib said...

1) I wanna see the part in 2 Kings (?) where the two mothers agreed to eat their children, but the second mother hid her son after they ate the first mother's son.

"You promised we would eat your son next! Now what??"

2) "Well I'll be doggone, the nutjob was right. Who'd've thought?"

sharilyn said...

"i really wish i would have worn my wetsuit."

Nick the Geek said...

I thought it was going to be funny when I started reading the caption.

I'm still waiting for a punchline so I'll provide my own.

"Got a dirty planet? Get flood"
hmm maybe a bit morbid but Christians love to rip off pop culture so you know it would fly.

"nobody was laughing at Noah anymore, but at least there aren't any sharks ... what happened to Bob?"
Still morbid but doesn't rip pop culture.

"I'm tired of all the MFing snakes on this MFing ark, from now on it was a serpent in the garden not an eagle. And thus the snake gets the blame and the eagle is elevated to worship icon."
Wow, this one is really bad. I totally rip a B movie from a couple years ago and run with a liberal take on the formation of the Bible all while knocking the worship eagle. I'm gonna go ahead and stay inside for a couple of days.

I better stop before I get in trouble.

Ryan B said...

Bible story I would like to see in a coloring book: Isaiah and the 42 Children being killed by bears.

Caption: "No Rose, never let go."

Word I would not like to hear ever again: "Circumcision"

wv: ablog

I am reading ablog.

Helen said...

"Did you remember to get flood insurance?"

"You call this a flood....why in my day, we called this a puddle!"

"Just keep swimming...just keep swimming.....just keep swimming swimming swimming....just keep swimming just keep swimming swimming swimming" (like Dory in "Finding Nemo"....Nick had mentioned how Christians love pop culture references, so, whoop, there it is..)

Clyde Sdale said...

Excuse me, but how do I download your coloring page? I'm teaching Sunday School this week, and found your Noah coloring sheet, but there is no way to get it full page. Got any ideas?
Stacie, do you plan on publishing your word search and coloring page? It could come in handy, since next year I am supposed to take over the Junior High class....

jake - aka the comment novelist said...

My caption would be full of asterisk, pound signs and at symbols, cause that's how cartoons cuss. And since they're floating in the water, they're apparently Godless heathens, and we KNOW they cuss.

A page I'd like to see? The whore of Babylon. Then we can teach our kids early what a whore looks like, and how to avoid them. And because you just don't get to say whore often enough in Sunday school.

wv= relysor What my butt will be if Stacy takes offense to my comments on her blog.

Jewda said...

Okay, I've come back with a weak caption for you:

"I wish I had Marty McFly's life preserver, cause this dork thinks he's going to drown."

Nick the Geek said...


If there is one thing Christians love more than current pop references it is pop references from generations past.

"Frankly I don't give a"
"The dam broke"

See mine was older and a wicked awesome play on words.

Stories I'd like to see:

Abraham sacrificing Isaac.

Solomon preparing to chop the baby in half.

Tossing the Israelite boys to the crocs.

The various times that all the people from a city or region we killed including the children.

Yeah, I figure I have plenty of time to get my psychiatry license and I want some job security. We need to scar these kids good.

Sarah said...

"Oh Jeez, I think I left the faucet running!"

Yeah, yeah.. best I could come up with at this moment. I haven't eaten yet, my brain is starved!

I would like to see a colouring page of Judas hanging himself. All woebegone and what-not. I would definitely draw funny eyebrows on him and laugh.

Nick the Geek said...

wold is be wrong to give him a Hitler mustache? I have no PC filter so that might have been too far.

Word Verification: dessera

The antidieters motto dessera sera, "whatever is sweet we'll eat."

Rick the Polonian said...

I would like to see Genesis 34 in a coloring page. How do you tastefully do the rape of Dinah and the following circumcision and slaughter of the men of Shechem.

Good times!

bman said...

There are so many good ideas for this!

When I taught 2's and 3's the Children's Bible they had to teach with skipped over Jesus being crucified and just showed him floating up to Heaven. Thought that was nice.

But, I think it would be awesome for a page of those two people who gotten eaten from inside by worms. That'd be interesting.

Or, the talking donkey, "Hey, don't be such a jackass."

Or, when the two angels come to Lot's house, and the towns people want to have their way with them... but Lot, instead, offers up his virgin daughters!

Or, Lot's family being turned to pillars of salt. "Hey, God warned them. Now make me some french fries!"

Or, a good one of Paul telling women to remain silent in church. That'd be interesting to try and explain to a kid...

"Well, honey, uh, women back then weren't perfect like Mommy."

Okay. That's all I've got.

wv: bedda

Hillbilly: "I'm sleeping in a bedda snakes!"
Which doesn't really make sense, but deal with it.

Clyde Sdale said...

Excuse me, but I really need an answer to my question by tonight....

Mandy Leech said...

How bout when Noah gets drunk and his son sees his nakey butt.

eastern ky pastor said...

Caption Person 1, "My preacher says that God is too loving to punish people."

Caption Person 2, "Well, I guess this will cancel his book tour."

J-Ra said...

I'm imagining a bunch of boys (probably not 42 b/c that's a whole lot for one coloring page) pointing and laughing at someone who looks like Patrick Stewart. Their captions say, "Go on up, you baldhead!" and there are two bears in the air behind them, teeth bared and claws sharp.

heartafire said...

"No one was laughing at Noah anymore. Everything on the land was now under water. Every living thing on earth drowned."

This is a kids coloring book?
Yes, I know it's a true story, but the starkness of the last sentence would stop my girls in their tracks:
"Everything drowned, Mama?"
"Yes...every living thing."
"Even koala bears?"
"Yes, sweetie."
"Even little puppies and furry kitties?"
"Yes, every living thing."
"Even little tiny babies, Mommy?"
"Yes, honey, drowned and dead."

kleighj said...

Stacy, do you know about I think you'd get a kick out of some of the captions and talking bubbles they have there..