The Boxer Briefs: Three True Stories About Underwear

The Most Hideous Thing My Mom Almost Said

Sometimes I choose to lie to myself because the truth is too much for me to handle. This is especially true when it comes to my parents. For years I was satisfied with the notion that my parents were in a platonic relationship. I was okay with assuming my sister and I just somehow materialized from thin air into our parents' home. Essentially, I reasoned, they had no reason to even hug other than for an occasional family photo. So imagine my shock when one day I was walking through the mall with my mother. We passed Victoria's Secret and in disgust I said to my mom, "I think thong underwear is so tacky." My mom shrugged and said, "Oh, I don't mind it. I just bought some for your father. He wears them to bed at night." As vomit shot up my esophagus like a broken sprinkler head I yelled, "SICK! OH! SICK! Mom, shut up!" She looked at me like I was crazy, "What? What's wrong?" With my gag reflex fully engaged I managed to choke out, "DAD? You bought THONG underwear for Dad?!" Horrified, my mother said, "LONG underwear! I bought LONG underwear for your father!" Our eyes locked, assessing the weight of the misunderstanding. Though I can't prove it I think I heard her gag a little, too. Somehow that made me feel even better.

Dan Meets My Parents

A few years later I was dating Dan, who is now the lucky, lucky man I call my husband. He was meeting my parents for the first time. He was staying in the guest room in our basement. We were talking about our folks and embarrassing moments. I told him about an incident that happened when I was about 7 years old. My sister and I had been at our grandmother's home that evening until very late. When my sister and I walked in the door of our house there was a Polaroid photo on the banister. I picked it up and looked. It was a photo of my mother. She looked very pretty....posed by the stairs....wearing something black, lacy and slightly see through. My dad whipped that photo from my had so quick I nearly fell off the stairs. I relayed to Dan that all that registered with me at the time was that my mom looked pretty, but now, 14 years later I had a better understanding of....well, you know. Anyway, the next day Dan and I were going through some books in my folk's basement. We flipped through them until Dan said, "Remember that story you told me about the Polaroid?" I nodded. "Did it look anything like this?" he asked, pulling a photo of my mom from the back of an old book. OH MY GOSH! THERE SHE WAS! Scantly clad with big 80s hair and some seductive look in her eyes. AND MY BOYFRIEND FOUND IT!!!! Puke! Gross! But hysterical. We were set to leave that day and my parents were not home. So, I took the picture and gingerly carried it to the master bathroom. I taped it in the center of the mirror. Then I took lipstick and wrote on the mirror, in my best script, "Peek-A-Boo! Is this YOU?" When I returned to college that day there was a message on my machine. It was my mom. She said, "If you two ever get married I'm giving you this picture as a gift." (This June we will celebrate our 10th anniversary. Without the Polaroid.)

Stacy Meets Dan's Parents

Dan's folks live in Florida. Though I had meet them before I had never been at their home. So, during my junior year of college Dan invites me to spend a 3 day weekend with him at his parent's home. I really liked Dan so I was on my best behavior around his folks. Sure they knew I had a sense of humor. But we all know, a sense of humor is one thing, insanity is quite another. So, Dan, his mom and I were at one end of the house. I needed to go to the bathroom but it was occupied. Dan's mom said, "Use the master bath. Knock before you go in our room because Dan's dad is changing." So I proceeded to walk the length of the house to the master bedroom. I knocked on the door. "Come on in!" said the voice from behind the door. So I opened the door....quickly drew in my breath....and made eye contact with Dan's dad....standing across the room in nothing but his briefs. After I threw my hands up to cover my eyes I froze. And started laughing. I didn't even turn around and leave, I didn't know what to do. "I just...(laughing)...I have to....(laughing)....your wife said to knock....(laughing)....I REALLY HAVE TO PEE!" He was laughing too, "Well then go ahead!" I was totally embarrassed and feeling really awkward. I shut and locked the bathroom door. But there was something else they forgot to tell me: the door lock catches so don't lock it or they'd have to take the door off the hinges. Which is exactly what they did after hearing me knock on the door and yell for help from the opposite side of the house.

So now you know more about me than you ever wanted to. And then some.

Last week, between facebook and this site we managed to come up with 50 comments about vomit. Surely we can do just as well if not better on the topic of underwear. So what about you? Got an underwear story you're dying to share? Then by all means, please do.