SFLBC Fight Song

Every school needs a good fight song. Well, maybe not necessarially a good one. Take The University of Tennessee, The Vols, if you will. I've got nothing against the Vols, so keep that in mind. Their fight song is "Rocky Top". Let's take a gander at one of the verses, shall we?...

Folks say corn won't grow on Rocky Top
Soil's too rocky by far
That's why all the folks on Rocky Top
Get their corn from a jar

Let's unpack this. It won't be hard. UT, God love 'em, is essentially telling the other team, "Dudes! We're drunk. And not even on the top shelf stuff they serve up at frat parties. No, we're drunk on fermented grain that some sweaty, toothless man named Cousin Grandpa cooked up in a rusted out steel drum. You thought you'd kick our butts at this football game today just because we're inbred and less coordinated? Well, we've got news for you! We're inbred AND plastered. So take that and punt it!"

It just seems like a good idea that the fight song should represent the strengths of the school. Or, at least that's my philosophy behind choosing a fight song for SFLBC.
An esteemed reader, Nicole, suggested the following video. And I'm pleased to announce the Stacy From Louisville Bible College Fight Song, "Baby Got Book".



Remember, (now say it with me), "At SFLBC we do have standards. We just forgot where we put them."

SFLBC, Established 2008

As you may know, from yesterday's post, I have started my own Bible College, Stacy From Louisville Bible College. Established in 2008, SFLBC seeks to equip future and current pastors and laypeople with the sarcasm necessary to survive church culture. Being in its infancy, I make up the board of directors, the teaching staff, and, of course, I'm the president. If you don't like it, go to real Bible college and see if you get a better deal. Go on. I dare you. Or, if you trust me enough to take my word for it, you can take that $9,000 a year and put it back in your pocket, after purchasing my birthday gift, of course. SFLBC is completely non-profit and free to all who choose to sit under my tutelage. (That's right, I said tutelage. I'm not as unqualified for this position as you thought!)

Samantha, a potential SFLBC applicant, was concerned that my fine institution frowned upon dancing. To clear things up, I did not say "no dancing". (Samantha, I would hope you fill out your application with more attention to detail.) I said, for the record:

1) No Mailman/Cop dancing as seen in yesterday's video.
2) No unitard dancing unless it's for ministry purposes.
3) No premarital sex (which is a different issue all together, but still.)

It goes without saying you will have an entire semester of interpretive dance. We supply super-flowing, consecrated ribbons, you supply the passion for socially awkward, ballet-like ministry at the mall. In front of Chick-Fil-A, of course. During that semester there will also be a class on the proper etiquette for wedding dancing, an excerpt of which appears below.



If any of you have further questions concerning the SFLBC policies or rules, please comment below. I will do my best to answer your questions.


Watering Camels,

Stacy From Louisville
SFLBC President
"We do have standards. We just forgot where we put them."

SFL Contest Winners Make Out Big! (but they don't make out with each other - it's not one of those kinds of sites)

Once, I dated a preaching major. For graduation he wanted a day timer so he could record his sins as they occurred. He wanted to make sure he was always on top of whether or not he was saved, cause (according to him) you just never know. I told him, "I'm pretty sure you're not saved in the first place." Surprisingly, we broke up soon after. It's been at least 15 years since that happened. He never calls or writes.

Hooray for the "Guess My SCL Blog Contest". Just as a reminder, here are the winners:

Bub
Dog Snob
Sam - who I don't think he realizes he won, but he did!!! Lucky ol' Sam.

(If you haven't already sent me your address shoot me an e-mail so I can get your gift to you.)

Because the gift needed to reflect the blog content, each winner will receive a Bible College Survival Pack. Here's a picture of what our contest winners will receive:



Here's the explanation for each piece of the gift:

1 Perfect Preacher Pocket Protector (don't panic, it's colorless so don't worry about it messing up your fashion statement)

1 red pen (because Jesus spoke in red ink and so should you)

1 highlighter for especially notable sermon illustrations

2 pens

1 set of floaties for safety while baptizing, which is a danger often overlooked

2 packs of grape Kool Aid for making communion on the go (Now I realize there are some denominations that use red wine for communion. Trust me, I would have sent it but I don't have a multi-state liquor liscense. Yet...)

1 stack of mini post it notes - for recording sins throughout the day so that you don't forget to repent

1 pack of pantyhose

1 lip gloss with a key chain that reads, "I heart Boys", signifying that if you were a Bible College chick trying to land a preacher you'd be more than happy to try your best to birth him some sons so they can go off to Bible College, become preachers, and make the family proud by wearing the same suits to class dear ol' dad wore 20 some years ago

1 pack of post it notes for writing down your sins, like my former preacher pal

1 Hose-Nose Mask - strap it over your own nose, remove the cap and green slime candy drips on your tongue - yummmm

And perhaps my favorite prizes are handkerchiefs that I personalized for each of my winners. Here are the super special personalisation messages:

Bud - S.F.L.B.C. Class of '08 Professional Pulpit Hog &
I heart B.C. Babes

Sam - Homiletics Hottie &
S.F.L.B.C. Class of 2008, Bible Banger
(Notice how Sam's handkerchief is misspelled? That's why it's best for everyone concerned I married a CPA. Not that I can add either.)

Dog Snob - my only female winner gets special hankies...
May I Water Your Camels? &
Wide Hips Increase Fellowships S.F.L.B.C. 2008

That's right, folks, I'm dangerous when it comes to puff paint. Also, notice that I have started the official Stacy From Louisville Bible College. Surely the great thinkers of all Christendom will flock. I can't guarantee you'll be accepted, but if you'd like to apply please - in 3,000 words or less - leave a comment that tells me why you might be worthy to attend such a prestigious institution. Remember, at SFL I do have standards. I just forgot where I put them.

And here's a little extra somethin'-somethin' to thank all of you for being such a good blog audience. I think I went to school with the mailman, but I can't be sure.



Don't forget to apply to SFLBC when you're done...

SFL Guest Blogs on SCL

Should you get married in Bible College? Go to SCL, take the quiz and find out. This is the Guest Post I did for Stuff Christians Like, the site SFL spun off from.

Mr. Salvation Pants, Leader of the BBs

If Bible college culture revolves around anything it is cliques. I'm telling you it's worse than high school and then some.

First, we have the Briefcase Bangers, or the BBs. No one knows where the briefcases came from, or why carry them everywhere, but it is a defining factor for this sect. Dressed in suits from my grandfather's closet, the goal of this group is to convince the church that the Bible is not relevant unless it is preached by someone wearing polyester. Though they are academics, they are also strong devotees to anything socially awkward including limp handkerchiefs and going without deodorant. They rock the Wal-Mart pre-packaged, short sleeve dress shirt and tie combo; this is their every day uniform. Most are preaching majors, but should that fall through, there's always Star Treck conventions to keep them entertained. These guys did Bible College by the book, honing in on obeying the rules with precision.

In stark contrast, there's the group I hung with, The Nonconformists. I owe surviving Bible College to this group. I remain now, as I was then, a delicate combination of Elaine Benes meets Mary Kathrine Gallagher. We were a motley concoction of sarcasm, caffeine, and scary clown antics. Always willing to push the envelope in a conservative setting, the Briefcase Bangers considered us obnoxious and untouchable.

Never, and I mean NEVER do these two groups interact. But during my senior year, our worlds collided every Tuesday and Thursday morning at 7 am for Church Administration class.

This class would better be named "How To Marry, Bury & Baptize". The BBs ate it up. My group mocked it at every turn. While the BBs were writing beautiful eulogies about fictitious but Godly saints, we were writing eulogies for old, boring church history profs who somehow ended up dying while teaching.

Our Church Admin. prof decided that it would be a good idea for us to learn how to baptize people "the right way". So, in February, in the snow, at 7 am we all had to haul our bathig suit clad cookies to the school's indoor pool. Everyone in the class (about 40 people) was there except for the leader of the BBs, which was strange because he NEVER missed a class, so his absence was notable.

To start class the prof. gives us a demonstration of how to baptize (because we have never seen one before). Then, it happens. The head of the BBs rushes into the pool area...

He's wearing a full suit and tie. He's carrying his briefcase. And he's wearing...

HIS OWN PERSONAL SET OF WAIST HIGH WADERS. (No he didn't. Oh yes he did!)

He's out of breath because he didn't remember we weren't meeting in our normal classroom. So that means HE WALKED THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF THE CAMPUS AND MAIN BUILDING WEARING WAIST HIGH WADERS!!!!

I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head I laughed so hard, doubled over in hysterics....grabbing the person next to me so I wouldn't fall to the floor....WADERS!!!!!!!! His own PERSONAL WADERS!!!!!!!!!!!!

He had plastic/Mylar/rubberish salvation pants.

Don't bring all that mess up in here and then expect me to baptize somebody! Seriously, people.

By the time we all got in the pool the Nonconformists were over it. Mr. Salvation Pants had slaughtered the 2 ounces of reverence we brought with us to the pool that morning. When the prof gave us the "okay" to start baptizing each other it was sheer pandemonium. People were slamming each other under water, they'd spring up and fake speaking in tongues. There was splashing and cannon balls, and blood-curdling shrieks of "Hallelujah!" Some were scream-singing "Now I Belong To Jesus". Others were holding people under the water yelling, "Satan, COME OUT!" We were like Gremlins. Bad things happen when you put us in water.

The BBs literally huddled in a corner of the pool and did this strange gawking-twitching thing. Though I'm not certain I think I heard one of them cry for his mother.

If you think all the baptism shenanigans are irreverent, you are correct. But don't blame me or any of the other Nonconformists in the class. Blame the Briefcase Bangers, and their leader, Mr. Salvation Pants.

So....what kind of pants are you wearing today?????????

Bible College: How To Break The Rules (and have an awesome time doing it)

I went to a very conservative Bible college with some strict rules. I'm sure all Bible colleges have rules because "be nice and only get drunk on Jesus" just isn't specific enough for some people. I will be the first to say that going into college I knew these rules and signed a form that assured my compliance. I later learned that compliance and not getting caught are inbred cousins.

So here's a list of rules that you'll only find in Bible College:

1) No bare feet in mixed company. Seriously. Before Bible college I had no idea that taking socks off in front of aspiring preachers was right up there with pole dancing, but apparently so. I broke this rule on one very specific occasion. One night the girl in the room next to me had taken drugs, and I don't mean Flintstones vitamins. She was completely juiced, screaming about how she was going to kill herself. So I run upstairs to the head resident's apartment. She answers the door and looks down at my feet. I open my mouth but before I can get anything out she says she won't talk to me with my feet uncovered, and I would need to put on some socks and then return. Close door. Folks, I couldn't make this up if I tried.

2) Curfew is 11 pm on weekdays. It may have been 10 pm, but in order to protect myself and cut down on the shock therapy treatments, I have blocked out the details. So this means finding a way to sneak in. Typically I would go through a window. But finding a way in wasn't the problem, campus security was. Campus security is another way to say Pharisee meets narc. Actual students by day, the security patrol were the super nerds of the campus. Typically scrawny and prepubescent, they drove around in a '72 rusted out Caprice Classic. Armed with only a clipboard and pen, they could record people's sin, just in case God had better things to do than making sure I wasn't out roaming the campus, barefoot, at 11:01 p.m., which would make me a harlot. And that's bad. So bad.

3) No dancing. It is widely known that the reason Bible college students aren't allowed to have premarital sex is because it will lead to dancing. Well, that and the fact that extra stupid security narcs could catch you and wonder where babies come from, upsetting the delicate balance of the universe. My BFF, Lacy, reminded me that the actual rule was no dancing within 50 miles of the campus, which makes sense. The dork-per-capita quotient fell significantly approximately 52.3 miles from the school's front gates, and this is the reason why.

4) No shorts may be worn in any building. I was good with this one. It has always been my theory that sequin tube tops look best with leather pants, anyway. It's just generally good idea to avoid shorts in Bible college. Some preaching major who is convinced the Bible peaked in 1987 is going to break out his pleated, Duck Head khaki shorts, but forget to take off his black socks and garters. (SOCK GARTERS, PEOPLE! Get your mind out of the gutter! No self respecting Bible college male wears those other kind of garters. At least not until after graduation. Please.)

5) Girls, no scantly clad roller skating through the dorm during finals week. This is an unwritten rule. It became an unwritten rule when someone actually did it, then got kicked out of her program. Never mind that dorms aren't co-ed. In Bible College girls can't even take a shower unless they're wearing a unitard. Modesty is everything. PG-13 skating behavior will not make serious preaching students want to date you, thereby lowering your marriage-ability quotient by 76%! Unfortunately, ladies, if you don't get married within 3 months of graduation, you probably never will. (I think that's Biblical, probably in the footnotes.) Sadly, this means you might not get invited to couples-only dinner parties in heaven. And wouldn't that just be the icing on the cake of your tragedy?

6) Guys, no hair growth beyond the collar. In Bible college there are pictures of Jesus everywhere. Walking with sheep, blessing children, hugging the Old Testament professor, you know, pictures of Jesus. In all of those pictures he had long hair. This means that He would have been kicked out of Bible college, or at least written up. Then where would we be? Oh, I shudder to think...

7) No kissing anywhere on campus. Translated, this rule implies that public displays of affection are meant for more romantic locations, like walks in the park, and visits to a fancy restaurant. Or, say, under a busted floodlight, in the backseat of a car in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

So there you have it, seven of the most rigorous standards for ethical Christian living. It's a lot to live up to, but this isn't living, this is Bible College.

Which rule would get you kicked out????

(Special thanks to my BFF Lacy who encourages my ADHD and will always help me break the rules.)

IT'S BIBLE COLLEGE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!

In 1992 I graduated from High School. The world was my oyster. (I don't really know what that means, but I've always wanted to say it.) I was going to shuck it for all it was worth and then some. But I wasn't going oyster shucking for myself, I was doing it all for Jesus. That's right my friends, I was headed to Bible College. (Where, coincidently, I never ate shellfish of any kind. Dang.)

Bright and shiny, squeaky clean, glittering with sage wisdom, Bible College. In my mind I had it all figured out. I was immersing myself in the think tank of all Christendom - everyone there, young and old, would adore me. Mothers would want their daughters to be just like me. Guys would want to date me. Professors would shamelessly beg for my theological insight. Flowers would bloom and angels would sing everywhere I went. We would all laugh, and hug, and sing "Kum-by-Ya". I would surely help usher in the greatest revival of all time. It would be holier than heaven itself.

Then I got there.

And realized it sucked.

I guess it's not so much that it was so sucktacular, it's more that the culture of the whole thing was just plain weird. That's not to say that I didn't have fun while I was there or that I didn't get a good education. It's just that Bible College is so....so....well, it's Bible College.

Take everything that drives you nuts about church culture. Throw it into really close living quarters. Take away deodorant, fashionable clothing, and common sense. Fold in a hymnal, a few suits from the 80s, and a curfew. Sprinkle it with controversy and lint from the pockets of scary elders. Add 1/2 cup of angst from trying to maintain technical virginity, and ta da! Instant Bible College. (Some assembly required.)

This week we will discuss the ins and outs of Christian education at its best and worst. If I lived this for 4 years and paid about $30,000 for it, surely you can come along with me as we hop, skip, and jump (over land mines) down memory lane. Surely my experience will not be the same as yours. I'm the first to acknowledge that I graduated 12 years ago and much has changed in church culture since then, so presumably Bible Colleges, Christian Universities, and Seminaries have also changed. Yet still, I have a hunch that some things will never change.

If you never went to Bible College this will be all new to you. That's fine because I'll hold your hand and lead you gently. If you're one of the lucky few who did attend I'll be more than happy to indulge your guilty pleasure, you name it. Mrs degrees? Briefcases with no real purpose? Delivering a pretend eulogy while a classmate lays on a table next to you, pretending to be dead? If you have an idea or experience, let me know. Otherwise, let the antics begin!