Smooth Grandamama

I'm not going to pretend to be cool, because I'm not. My children, 5 and 7, are starting to figure this out for themselves and it's not pretty. This past Sunday I walked my daughter to her Sunday School class. As we walked she kept saying, "It's okay Mom. Seriously, I can walk myself to the chapel." My feelings were hurt, I'm not gonna lie. But at the same time I realized she saw my NQ (Nerd Quotient) for what it was: a big, thick stew of crazy about to boil over, and she wasn't about to get spattered.

So to celebrate my affinity for all things odd and ridiculous, I'd like to share my all time favorite rewrite of secular music lyrics, cause you know I'm wicked crazy in love with that concept. Remember "Smooth Criminal" by Michael Jackson? Yeah, it didn't ever make sense to me either. But luckily, in this stellar portrayal it's all about evangelism.

Since it's all about evangelism be sure to show it to at least 3 unsaved friends. They will immediately understand everything you have labored to communicate to them. They're going to come flying forward.

Trust me.

SFLBC Fight Song

Every school needs a good fight song. Well, maybe not necessarially a good one. Take The University of Tennessee, The Vols, if you will. I've got nothing against the Vols, so keep that in mind. Their fight song is "Rocky Top". Let's take a gander at one of the verses, shall we?...

Folks say corn won't grow on Rocky Top
Soil's too rocky by far
That's why all the folks on Rocky Top
Get their corn from a jar

Let's unpack this. It won't be hard. UT, God love 'em, is essentially telling the other team, "Dudes! We're drunk. And not even on the top shelf stuff they serve up at frat parties. No, we're drunk on fermented grain that some sweaty, toothless man named Cousin Grandpa cooked up in a rusted out steel drum. You thought you'd kick our butts at this football game today just because we're inbred and less coordinated? Well, we've got news for you! We're inbred AND plastered. So take that and punt it!"

It just seems like a good idea that the fight song should represent the strengths of the school. Or, at least that's my philosophy behind choosing a fight song for SFLBC.
An esteemed reader, Nicole, suggested the following video. And I'm pleased to announce the Stacy From Louisville Bible College Fight Song, "Baby Got Book".



Remember, (now say it with me), "At SFLBC we do have standards. We just forgot where we put them."

Rewriting Song Lyrics for Ministry - My Spiritual Gift

If you log on to eBay you can purchase a WHAM! CD for five cents plus $6 shipping. I'm here to say that's a crying shame! For a solid 3 weeks in the 80s women around the world fell in love with George Michael, the golden locked hottie from across The Pond. I distinctly remember wearing my Coca-Cola shirt and my fluorescent pink headband, wondering if George would ever want to marry me. As it turned out that wasn't exactly in the cards. Not only did I end up going to Bible College, which meant I couldn't jitterbug anywhere on campus and still legally be a Christian, but George had plans of his own, too. In a perfect world we would have shared mousse from here to eternity. But we live in a fallen world. WHAM! love couldn't last forever. It died leaving a string of catastrophes in its wake. Like a Careless Whisper, George "came out", cut off the blond locks, and the world embraced Michael Bolton. George and Elton John set sail for castle yonder, taking the Boom-Boom right out of my heart. To this day I can't listen to Michael Bolten and not feel cheated. (Darn you, Michael and your naked chested, middle aged, When-A-Man-Loves-A-Woman chortling! Take your spray tan, your reverse mullet, and your I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter ballads back where you came from. GET OFF MY BLOG!!!!!)

Regroup. Check hairstyle. Breathe in....whew....

It seems I have a strange kind of gifting when it comes to music. I'm here to tell you that I can take any song from the 80s or 90s, give it a churchy theme, and rewrite the words into something completely ludicrous. As of late I have come to embrace the fact that in keeping this gifting to myself I am cheating all of Christianity out of the super shiny spoofy awesomeness that's wrapped in flesh and named "Stacy". Well, that is a burden I can no longer bare. The responsibility is immense, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Here's the spoof I came up with today and posted on Stuff Christians Like. It's a bit tweaked from the original post, so if you read it before now, I sprinkled in a handful of fresh to keep things exciting. The topic was "Wicked Awesome Mission Trip Interpretive Dance Songs". Check it out:

Song: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, WHAM! circa 1984

To pull this off with stellar salvation success you will need the following:

1) One slightly awkward teenager with jazz hands stands in the middle of the Haitian village. He's wearing a shirt that says, "Boom Boom" in Haitian.

2) Really Hot Youth Group Chick stands next to him wearing a large, uncomfortable red cardboard heart. She smiles. (But only because Captain Hottie Youth Group Dude might want to make out with her after evening devotions.)

3) 10 teenagers scattered around the stage holding yo-yos that say "Jitterbug for Jesus", again in Haitian.

4) A boom box. Granted, no one says "boom box" anymore, but this is a mission trip. If you can wear a fanny pack and fool yourself into thinking it's cool you can do just about anything.

5) Around 6.3 Haitians who presumably love WHAM! (Because who in Haiti doesn't love WHAM!?? Duh.)

Read the revised song lyrics, infer hyper-spastic salvation dancing and let the missions flow....

You put the boom-boom into my heart
You send my soul sky high when your lovin' starts
Jitterbug into my brain
Goes a bang-bang-bang 'til my feet do the same
But something's bugging you
Something ain't right
My best friend told me you weren't in church last night
Left me prayin' in my bed
I was dreaming, but I should have gone forward instead.

Wake me up before you go-go
Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo
Wake me up before you go-go
I don't want to miss it when you accept Christ
Wake me up before you go-go
'Cause I'm not plannin' on going solo
Wake me up before you go-go
Take me praising tonight
I lift my hands so high (yeah, yeah)

You take the grey skies out of my way
You make the sun shine brighter than Resurrection Day
Turned a bright spark into a flame
My love for God has never been the same

'Cause you're my Jesus, I'm a sinnin' fool
It makes me crazy when you preach old school
Come on, Christians, let's not fight
We'll go pot-luckin', everything will be all right

End SCL comment.

So there you have it, a prime example of putting my gifts to good use.

Before I had this ground breaking blog, I was a drama director for a church in Arizona. I literally taught 3 whole people how to act, so I'm obviously at the top of my game.

What song would you like to see me work rework? Suggest it here. While I rewrite the lyrics you can dust off the overflow seating and fill up the baptistery. Trust me. People are going to flock.

When I rework the song, I'll dedicate the entire post to you. Wow, all this an infamy too. Is today your lucky day or what?

Prankfest Vol. I: Cunning & Craigslist

I am the Kung-Fu Master of practical jokes. With stealth like accuracy I hone in on my victim. When they are least suspecting it, Hiiiiiii YAH! I strike, leaving devastation in my wake. It is important that you know this about me because it is one of my spiritual gifts. It is not too much to say that I am the stuff of legends. One day in the nursing home, when all I have left are floral nightgowns and jello salad, I will still be pranking people. So when your time comes, choose a facility carefully or you might wake up to find your support hose are filled with Preparation H. That's just how I roll.

So welcome to my first recurring post, Prankfest. Much like the masked magician who gives away other magicians' secrets, I will let you in on some of my more delinquent trickery. I do this as a public service, really. Sadly, there are some among us who are, to put it delicately, prankagely challenged. They want to prank, they do! They long to soar on the wings of deception, racing skyward as mocking laughter carries them up, up, up to the heights of bright and shiny sarcasm. But alas, they are wearing leaded loafers. These are the prankless, the children that hijinks left behind.

Well fear not my orphaned friends! My hoaxes are not copy written. Steal them, I say! And because you are a virginal pranker, no one will ever suspect you. It is in this vein that I submit to you one of my more recent pranks.

Cunning & Craigslist

My husband loves me and knows how I am. Mind you, he's got a few tricks up his sleeve, too. But I digress. He is a straight laced CPA. He works in a sterile hovel of an office with a 10 key calculator and a stack of tax forms. He is analytical with a dry sense of humor. When he's at work, though, he's so focused on the task at hand that he has time for little else, including my shenanigans. And this is what makes him a perfect target.

One day, whilst paroozing Craigslist I stumbled upon the following ad:

Tailgate, Party Bus, Travel Bus, Camper $7000 Louisville, KY

This was just too easy. Here's the written response:

"This perfect for me. I do travil carnival family business, wuld like so very much your bus so my wives and childrens not have to ride with peting animal zoo no more. Have cash from recunt selling of ostrich and churros machine. Please you write back soon to this uhdress (insert husband's work e-mail). I am Dan. I pay you for bus soon as I look, must be sure it can be gutted and have rume for travel beds. Does bus have working toilet with seat? My wives be so very happy. So much thanking to you, Daniel"

It was a thing of glory.

They contacted him. What I wasn't counting on was that they were one of his clients. No, I'm not joking. Luckily his e-mail address is a bit obscure, so that saved my sweet patoot.

I signed him up for other stuff, too. But this, by far, was the best.

So, now it's your turn. Craigslist is still out there. Would I endorse such renegade revelry? Of course not, that would be naughty of me. But if by chance you do decide to exercise your spiritual gifts in this area, as long as no one gets hurt, you have my blessing. And Dan's. But he's at work right now so he's too busy to tell you that himself.