Monday, January 18, 2010

Hot Yoga: It Just Might Kill Me

For me, being ridiculous really isn't hard. I don't even have to try. Like an inoperable mole, it's just something that happens. That's why I need a blog. It's my attempt to reach out to all of cyber space and say, "Hey World! Guess what I did besides leaving the parking break on and calling my husband at work to have the car towed because, 'All the tires spin but one. Something is very wrong.'" (Yeah. That really happened.) (And yeah, something is really wrong. With me.)

My latest exercise in crazy started a week ago. Bikram Yoga's the name, torture's the game. In case you're not familiar imagine bike shorts, 105 degrees + 30% humidity and body contortions that rival Cirque Du Soleil. That's Bikram. And it's aggressive.

Then there's me. Completely allergic to all exercise. Overweight. Chronic pain sufferer with a keen sass. Despite our seeming incompatibility I decided to give Bikram a whirl because my current regimen of TV, couch, Twinkies wasn't producing the results I desired. Here's what happened...

Day 1

I got yoga shorts for today. When I put them on I suddenly realized I had overestimated what size to purchase. They were huge in the waist. No big deal, I thought, so off to class. Everything is fine until I start to sweat. My yoga mat sticks to me....and I try to turn around for a sitting pose....and my pants get yanked down midway on my butt. The instructor, who apparently hasn't seen my posterior hanging out, says, "Stacy, move as quickly as you can to the resting posture!" So I'm trying to do what he says while yanking on my shorts and focusing on my breathing. (I sincerely apologize to those of you who didn't want this visual. Keep in mind, I am not attractive and I was sweating like a pack mule.) With resolve, and repositioned shorts, I 'm determined to give it another shot. Why? Because I kinda like it.

Day 2

My facebook status reads: "Bikram yoga hasn't killed me. I only wish it had." Today was my 2nd day for yoga ever. I'm in so much pain. Sure, many people do yoga and live to tell about it. What I have to wonder is did any of these people ever not want to pull their limbs from their body and beat themselves with them until they died? Because that's how I'm feeling right now. Plus, fat and out the money I paid for a month of sessions.

Day 3

I master my first pose! Standing with my toes facing forward, I breathe in. Lift right foot off the ground and pull toward my abdomen. Insert right toe into left spleen. Focus and pray for God to kill me. Stepping over my open fractures, the instructor says I'm doing very well. Interestingly, I go a full 24 hours without a headache...for the first time in over 5 years. I'm going back.

Day 4

Are you kidding me? The room is 108 degrees. The humidity is cranked. I'm beet red. But what the crap?! I've morphed into Elastagirl. A year ago I literally couldn't walk across my living room. Today I can balance on the ball of my foot while draping my other leg around my neck like an unnecessary scarf. Okay, maybe not, but still. In 4 days my abs are slightly defined, my arms are stronger and rumor has it there's muscle in my thighs. I feel healthier. Maybe that's because I've made an effort. Or maybe because I'm endorphin drunk. All I know is that Bikram Yoga is amazing. It's super hard - but I can do it. For right now that's enough.

Here's a picture of me at my last class. Do you like my headband? Or is it too much?


Christy said...

Is it really that hot in the room or does it just SEEM like it to you? I thought yoga was supposed to be relaxing and help with balance - not induce excruciating pain that would make you want to tear your limbs off and beat yourself with them (VERY FUNNY, BTW).

~ifer said...

I used to do yoga (I type this as I sit here eating a sausage and cheese kolache), and yes, the first days of it are very painful, especially when it starts waking up muscles you forgot you had.
Please keep us informed if it makes any difference with the headaches... I am a chronic headache sufferer too, and I am always open for suggestions.

Marni said...

I almost peed a littel when I read this, I'm not gonna lie...

Yoga scares me for the reasons you listed. I would make such a moron of myself. For now, I'm trying Wii Fit, but it even chastises me (along with my 9 year old who is a one child judging machine when I do my downward dog).

But all that to say this...girl, I am so excited to hear how it helped your headache. Wow, just wow. That's a praise right there. Keep at it and keep telling us how you're doing with it. It's a blessing and and snarkilicious all in one.

love ya!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! ;) I can relate to most of what you wrote ALTHOUGH I've managed to keep my pants on during yoga so I'm doing REALLY good there. ;)

Seriously though, I have major knee problems from running. When I run the SWELL UP. However when I run and do yoga immediately after I have no swelling. This has been true now for over a year. I'm sold. Despite the pain & humiliation. ;)

I'm so glad Jon Acuff let us have Shamless Saturday. I might never have found you otherwise. :)

Stacy from Louisville said...

Christy - Yes it is that hot. Thursday it was around 108. It starts about 95 and goes up.

Michelle - I'm glad you visited me!

Donna said...

just the picture is scaring me.....

Lana said...

At my Bikram class this morning I did a major yoga no-no and laughed at loud. A guy was doing yoga in the corner of the room, and I didn't see him until he got up to got to the bathroom. He looked just like the guy in the picture. I wish I was lying. I laughed, and they'll probably kick me out of class.