Sunday, December 6, 2009

White Elephant Gift Exchange 2009

I'm a hardcore white elephant gift exchanger. I know I probably need therapy or at least a new hobby. Yet for this admitted prankster the white elephant gift exchange shines like a floodlight in a deserted Dollar General parking lot. For a few fleeting moments it's as if Santa is just asking to be depantsed in the name of universally lame gift giving. (Enter The Snuggie, The Shamwow, The Slap Chop.)

On Saturday our Sunday School class amassed for a Christmas party. Now let me be frank. I did not attend this yearly event because the food was delicious. My attendance also had nothing to do with the fellowship (though I must say the "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka" analysis did make me more than a little chortle tipsy). The reason I attend this event is because I spend months configuring the perfect white elephant gift. (The balance of embarrassment, sarcasm, and shock is delicate. Personally, I think it's some kind of gift.)

As I wrote last year there are tremendous ways to sabotage such an exchange. This year however, I took my own advice, threw caution to the wind, and gave away this little gem, note and all.


The Baby Making Date Night Kit!

Contents include:
1 regifted $25 Red Robin gift card (unused)
1 Colt 45 Malt Liquor 22 oz. beverage for 2
1 red bottle opener
1,000,000 possibilities

That's right. I said "Malt Liquor" and "Sunday school class" in the same post. (You are welcome.)

When the Colt 45 made its grand appearance eyes popped like bottle rockets on the 4th of July. Though I can't prove it I think there was a whole section of folks who weren't offended but were pretty sure someone was gonna have some 'splainin' to do to some elders.

For other reasons I can't quite figure 3 whole people yelled at the top of their lungs, "STACY SMALL! YOU BROUGHT THAT, DIDN'T YOU!?"

Now, a note on white elephant gift psychology. We all know the point of the game is to leave the party with the least crappy gift. The conundrum with the Date Night Baby Maker is an inner struggle with moral depravity. One might think to himself, "Red Robin gift card? For $25? Not bad. But I must claim the Satan water to get it. Am I ready to reveal my inner wino?"

A friend sitting next to me said, "What is the difference between beer and malt liquor?"

"Trashiness," I replied.

She tilted her head to the side to let that sink in. I tilted my head to the side as I evaluated how I knew the answer to her question. (If you are reading this while enjoying a nice malt liquor I appologize sincerely. No joke at your expense to be sure. Cheers.)

You will be happy to know the Date Night Baby Maker made the rounds that evening. It finally found a place to call home with one of my friends. She leaned across the table and said, "I'm always looking for something to do with the kids when my husband works late." I think she meant taking the kids out to dinner, but who am I to judge? I'm the kind of person who brings Colt 45 to an otherwise Christian outing.

What's the worst (or best) white elephant gift you have ever given? What will you be taking to your white elephant this year?

18 comments:

Neyhart said...

I cannot stop laughing. Seriously. I wish I could have been there! Thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for making me laugh and smile. I've missed reading your blog. By the way, if you have not been getting my email updates from Mexico, email me. :-) I miss you!

Neyhart said...

Did I mention I laughed so much I literally have tears in my eyes?

Jason/J-Ra/J said...

Last week, I got a beer, a handheld poker game, and some head wipes for bald people. The poker and head wipes are still in their bag. There's a possibility of regifting.

Glad that you're back, Stacy! I've missed you.

vanilla said...

Enter The Snuggie, The Shamwow, The Slap Chop The Clapper, The Chia Pet...

You haven't lost a step. Stacy rocks.

Sarah said...

When you posted about this last year, I thought to myself that my family needs to do a white elephant gift exchange! It would be SO much fun!

I love you, Stacy! So glad you're back! :D

Marni said...

SNORT!!!! That would have been even better should you belong to an uptight women's group. I'm just sayin...

Missed you my friend. I'm glad you posted and made me laugh so early on a dreary Monday. Still praying for you.

Pam said...

Colt 45 and Sunday School - what a combination! Thanks for a real laugh.

As for worst white elephants, one of my kids once came home from a youth group party with an open bag of stale marshmallows. This qualified as worst on all counts - neither a good gift, nor funny.

Helen said...

Microve bacon cooker in the shape of a pig. That one made it to the Prayer Group Christmas Party every year. The year after I got it, the party was cancelled.
Apparently they love me so much, they want me to keep the pig...

Sarah said...

Love love love white elephant...

Worst/best one ever to make the rounds: dreadlocks from someone's head. Gross.

Nic Gibson said...

Thanks for explaining the psychological tension. I was expecting a Colt 45 and an expired condom, but the tension created between the gift card and the booze is critical. Very good.

And the world is waiting for more ways to sabotage in general.

Donna said...

http://www.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=172067&aid=336064&aparam=monkey%20butt%20powder&scinit1=monkey%20butt%20powder

I hope this link works......i'm giving this Saturday and will give a full report when I return!

Miss Hannah said...

Our Sunday School ABF is this Saturday, but I don't think anyone in my class will see this before then... I was debating between a used 1980s DIY Whirlpool/turn-your-bathtub-into-a-spa kit (still in the original, duct-taped box from my parents' attic - why does my mother think I want these things?) and a 4-pack of mini bottles of Sutter Home chardonnay that only has one bottle left in the crate... and then a friend gave me what may be the best idea in all of history: I just had a baby in September... I still have a bag filled with about 10 perineum hot/cold packs, a half dozen GINORMOUS pads (like 6"x24"), and two pair of those classy mesh underpants they give you to handle all that. I cannot even wait.

Claygirlsings said...

At a church staff party, my sister gifted a donkey tail-on-a-stick that she was given during a mission trip to Mali, W. Africa. The thing was foul smelling. I've been told it's still making the rounds years later.

miller_schloss said...

Our favorite was a Christian romance novel called "The Cowboy's Bride" and the comments that went along with it, like the dude who later in the game cracked, "Yeah, and I cried my way through The Cowboy's Bride!" We still quote that to him three years later.

~April~ said...

It all started when I stole the stack of 10 lottery tickets from my poor grandmother. Not just poor because I stole them from her in the game, she really doesn't have any money. I ended up with the tickets at the end and was excited because I had never scratched off lottery tickets before, which was perfect for what happens next. I scratch off one ticket, nothing. Next one, nothing. Third one, $10,000. What?!?! $10,000?!?? I almost crapped my pants in disbelief and guilt. I asked the ever-familiar-with-the-lottery family members how I would get the actual money and they said, "You'll probably have to go all the way to Atlanta to get it, look on the back."

I looked on the back at the awful paragraph that was sitting there waiting for me, the sucker. Fake lottery ticket. Darn. They got me and my naive not-so-familiar-with-the-lottery-or-fake-lottery-tickets self good!!!

MadHatter said...

I am actually giving my husband some "Shamwows" for Christmas, but we do have a "as seen on tv" theme for one of our gift exchanges this year. Ridiculous, I know.

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Jenny said...

And this too!!! I hope to someday attend a white elephant gift exchange with you and get excommunicated.