Why didn't I think of this first?
Monday, March 23, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
School Me On Praise
Most of the time I write a post about something I'm learning and ask for your feedback. Today it's the other way around.
I'm making a dedicated effort to include praising God into my everyday life. I don't want it to be contrived, I want it to be a natural part of who I am. Maybe the reason I haven't acknowledged this deficit in my life until now is because I've been saving my praise for myself? You can't answer that, but if I'm being honest it's probably true. Dying to myself is the first part, looking for ways to exalt Him is the second. That's where you come in.
So how do you do it? How do you make praising God part of your routine? What does that look like for you? What advice, scripture, or discipline would you recommend?
I've got a willing heart, a need for God, and a way to talk to you.
I'll take all the feedback I can get. So school me...
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Prank War
I would never do this to you. Ok, that's not true. But if I did you wouldn't hate me, right? Cause I'd still love you. Enjoy!
(before you play this be forwarned that someone in the background drops the f-bomb at the 16 second mark)
(before you play this be forwarned that someone in the background drops the f-bomb at the 16 second mark)
Monday, March 16, 2009
Never Let Go
Turn it up. Or at least tune in.
A friend of mine lost her mother suddenly. In the midst of hospital chaos she told me she could feel God whispering Scripture over her and she had peace. He set the world in motion yet still cares enough to speak His Word over us. That's enough to leave me rightfully speechless. Thank you Jesus. (A., He's with you. I love you, girl.)
Don't miss today's post Created for Community.
A friend of mine lost her mother suddenly. In the midst of hospital chaos she told me she could feel God whispering Scripture over her and she had peace. He set the world in motion yet still cares enough to speak His Word over us. That's enough to leave me rightfully speechless. Thank you Jesus. (A., He's with you. I love you, girl.)
Don't miss today's post Created for Community.
Created For Community
(Come back for a video post later today.)
When I wrote My Battle With Chronic Pain I had no idea what kind of response I'd get. Today, 2+ weeks after that post, the comments are still coming in. Your candor and openness in your struggle were unexpected, but welcomed. Your comments painted a picture of real hurt. I was touched by stories of infertility, depression, isolation, and being misunderstood. My first reaction was to reach out to each one of you, and stand by you in you circumstance. Unfortunately, the reality of you being there and me being here makes that impossible.
Though we're strangers, I love you and care deeply about what happens to you. When you share your pain I don't take that lightly. I know what pain is, I know depression, I know frustration; we are connected in these ways. (But I also know joy and pray we're connected in this way, too.)
So I started to pray for you (and continue to do so). And God started working in me.
Then, clearly, it came down to one small word: community.
God made us for relationships. I need community and so do you. While blogging and leaving comments is great it falls short of true community. It's easy to visit a blog, identify with a topic, write a comment that connects you with it, but still leave unfulfilled. I know this because it has happened to me. I may leave a zinger of a sass mouth comment of Stuff Christians Like. I laugh, go back to the comments later, see what others have to say. There's nothing wrong with any of that, as long as it's not an idol. But sometimes, when a topic hits a nerve, regardless of whether or not I comment, I draw back from the computer wondering, "What now?" You see, I'm still sitting alone behind the same computer I was sitting behind 10 minutes ago. Yet now I have questions and I feel alone in them.
Maybe this sounds familiar to you. Maybe not, and I'm glad for you. Either way, keep reading.
When a blog touches on an issue, like your very personal battle with pain, I think you should chime into the discussion. Pour your heart out, whether it's to agree or disagree. But, please, as the author of this blog, I'm asking you not to stop there.
What I'm saying is don't let this blog, or any other, mask your need to be in real, open, and vulnerable connections to your church family. Share your pain with the people around you daily.
You may be thinking what I thought for years: No one at my church cares or wants to understand. Are you sure? In your entire congregation there isn't a person who cares? If that's the case it's time to find a new church. Before you say goodbye, ask yourself this: Is it possible you've looked for friendship and understanding in the wrong places within your church? Not all groups will work for everyone. If you think you can't be yourself with the group you associate with now, maybe it's time to gracefully move on in pursuit of other friendships.
This will not be comfortable at first. But once you commit to finding your place in the Body of Christ you will find freedom because you don't have to be a square peg in a round hole anymore. You get to be you, exactly as God made you. Satan is lying to you and you're believing it if you think you're all alone. (We got 41 comments in the post My Battle With Chronic Pain. If that many people commented here I guarantee your church home is full of like minded people. Struggle is universal.) You don't have to be alone, but you do have to put forth the effort to pursue relationships.
God IS ALIVE in His body. He actively ministers to us through other people. But we have to make efforts, too. No matter if we've been hurt before, ignored, wronged, etc. For the sake of Jesus in you, please, find your place in The Body.
I write these things to you not as a know it all, but as someone who is making this change right now. It has taken me nearly 7 years to do this, but better late than never. What I'm finding is that the world is opening up to me via putting myself out there. And I'm finding ways to serve back. Before I decided to get serious about my needs, there were people who knew I was in pain. But I held myself back from them because I believed the lies that said they wouldn't understand.
Now I know "they" were not the problem, my church was not the problem - I was. Well, me and my sin of isolation. That's right. For me it was sin.
So today, when several people asked how I've been feeling, I was able to tell them, "I had a good week." They were happy for me. They care. Letting God redeem my pride is replacing my heart of stone for a heart of flesh. The biggest difference: flesh is alive!
I think the same thing is waiting for you. Like I said, I love to read your comments and you are always welcomed here. Just don't let this be the only place where you get fed.
Perhaps you're already involved in strong community. Or maybe it's time for you to leave the nest. Either way, I have one pointed question for you today, my friends: What can you do this week to take a step closer to community? How will you further define your place in the Body of Christ?
Today especially, I'd really love to hear from you.
When I wrote My Battle With Chronic Pain I had no idea what kind of response I'd get. Today, 2+ weeks after that post, the comments are still coming in. Your candor and openness in your struggle were unexpected, but welcomed. Your comments painted a picture of real hurt. I was touched by stories of infertility, depression, isolation, and being misunderstood. My first reaction was to reach out to each one of you, and stand by you in you circumstance. Unfortunately, the reality of you being there and me being here makes that impossible.
Though we're strangers, I love you and care deeply about what happens to you. When you share your pain I don't take that lightly. I know what pain is, I know depression, I know frustration; we are connected in these ways. (But I also know joy and pray we're connected in this way, too.)
So I started to pray for you (and continue to do so). And God started working in me.
Then, clearly, it came down to one small word: community.
God made us for relationships. I need community and so do you. While blogging and leaving comments is great it falls short of true community. It's easy to visit a blog, identify with a topic, write a comment that connects you with it, but still leave unfulfilled. I know this because it has happened to me. I may leave a zinger of a sass mouth comment of Stuff Christians Like. I laugh, go back to the comments later, see what others have to say. There's nothing wrong with any of that, as long as it's not an idol. But sometimes, when a topic hits a nerve, regardless of whether or not I comment, I draw back from the computer wondering, "What now?" You see, I'm still sitting alone behind the same computer I was sitting behind 10 minutes ago. Yet now I have questions and I feel alone in them.
Maybe this sounds familiar to you. Maybe not, and I'm glad for you. Either way, keep reading.
When a blog touches on an issue, like your very personal battle with pain, I think you should chime into the discussion. Pour your heart out, whether it's to agree or disagree. But, please, as the author of this blog, I'm asking you not to stop there.
What I'm saying is don't let this blog, or any other, mask your need to be in real, open, and vulnerable connections to your church family. Share your pain with the people around you daily.
You may be thinking what I thought for years: No one at my church cares or wants to understand. Are you sure? In your entire congregation there isn't a person who cares? If that's the case it's time to find a new church. Before you say goodbye, ask yourself this: Is it possible you've looked for friendship and understanding in the wrong places within your church? Not all groups will work for everyone. If you think you can't be yourself with the group you associate with now, maybe it's time to gracefully move on in pursuit of other friendships.
This will not be comfortable at first. But once you commit to finding your place in the Body of Christ you will find freedom because you don't have to be a square peg in a round hole anymore. You get to be you, exactly as God made you. Satan is lying to you and you're believing it if you think you're all alone. (We got 41 comments in the post My Battle With Chronic Pain. If that many people commented here I guarantee your church home is full of like minded people. Struggle is universal.) You don't have to be alone, but you do have to put forth the effort to pursue relationships.
God IS ALIVE in His body. He actively ministers to us through other people. But we have to make efforts, too. No matter if we've been hurt before, ignored, wronged, etc. For the sake of Jesus in you, please, find your place in The Body.
I write these things to you not as a know it all, but as someone who is making this change right now. It has taken me nearly 7 years to do this, but better late than never. What I'm finding is that the world is opening up to me via putting myself out there. And I'm finding ways to serve back. Before I decided to get serious about my needs, there were people who knew I was in pain. But I held myself back from them because I believed the lies that said they wouldn't understand.
Now I know "they" were not the problem, my church was not the problem - I was. Well, me and my sin of isolation. That's right. For me it was sin.
So today, when several people asked how I've been feeling, I was able to tell them, "I had a good week." They were happy for me. They care. Letting God redeem my pride is replacing my heart of stone for a heart of flesh. The biggest difference: flesh is alive!
I think the same thing is waiting for you. Like I said, I love to read your comments and you are always welcomed here. Just don't let this be the only place where you get fed.
Perhaps you're already involved in strong community. Or maybe it's time for you to leave the nest. Either way, I have one pointed question for you today, my friends: What can you do this week to take a step closer to community? How will you further define your place in the Body of Christ?
Today especially, I'd really love to hear from you.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Love In The Land of Bullet Dodging
I dated some real losers before I met Dan. One even broke my heart. Years later I look back at where he is now and realize I dodged a major bullet. Which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: Tis better to have loved and lost than to spend the rest of your life with a psycho.
So let's dish. Tell me about your dating woes. And let's talk about dodging bullets. I promise your secret is safe with me.
So let's dish. Tell me about your dating woes. And let's talk about dodging bullets. I promise your secret is safe with me.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Idolatry & The Real Jesus
I'm really having a hard time with blogging not being an idol. There. I said it.
Wrapped up in comments. Overly aware of statistics. Competing with myself in a contest that's never ending.
And it hurts. It hurts to think it owns me and it hurts to own up to it. But that's sin for ya.
Some things are going to change. But there's one thing that won't. Let me talk about that first.
To me, we've grown into a community I never expected to value so much. I pray for you when I read hurt in your comments. I laugh with you when you're laughing with me. You've extended the community over to Facebook, and we've talked back and forth. Months ago we were strangers, today you are friends. You are an amazing blessing.
I seriously considered giving up Stacy From Louisville completely. I went back and forth but finally found peace with taking you along with me on this journey. It took lots of soul searching and waiting on God to come to this decision. That is why I haven't posted in over a week.
So here's the deal. Most likely, I will be posting less often, an only when I have something worth saying. As always, when I find something funny I'll share it with you. Laughing, sarcasm, chatty - that's who I am. But trying to conjure up fantastical and being worried about Stacy From Louisville Superstardom - that's over. Dead. Audios.
In its place you'll see me chronicle my journey about seeking the real Jesus.
What? The real Jesus? Read on.
I had this amazing conversation with a counselor friend at church about my blog and my faith in general. I said, "I feel like I've shut myself off from God." He said, and I think this is brilliant, "Have you shut yourself off from God or from your preconceived notions of who you think God is? If we knew the REAL God, instead of what we have him made out to be, no one would shut themselves off from Him."
That, my friends, is idolatry. I put my baggage - hurt from the past, misunderstandings, even false teachings - on God. So much so that when all that stuff piles up it blocks God from the picture and I don't even see Him anymore. Without realizing it I throw God under the bus and settle for a craptastic substitute.
Like a blog. Or over-eating. Or arguing with my spouse. Or my health. Or my discontent. Or a million other things that amount to nothing when it's all said and done.
In talking with my friend I told him about how, for a long time, I've felt disconnected from the physical community at my church. I was in a long-term Bible study that offered academia and legality but no connection. I skimmed the surface of friendships, afraid to invest too much out of fear of being hurt. I've tried to be a square peg in a round hole instead of finding other square pegs to hang with.
My friend was quick to remind me that by isolating myself from investing in the Body of Christ I was cutting off a major avenue to the love of Christ . He was right. He is alive in His body. Often I've wasted time being critical of the church instead of finding my place in it, and I'm putting an end to it. That means I stop whining, be a big girl and pursue relationships instead of waiting for them to fall in my lap. So that's what I'm off to do.
You're more than welcome to journey with me.
Hearing my children sing the chorus of this song is one of the things He used to keep convicting me. Sing along if you know the words.
In case you stop by one day and there's no new post, please check out 97seconds. Jon Acuff of Stuff Christians Like did 28 days on Proverbs 12. It's extremely well done and worth your time.
Wrapped up in comments. Overly aware of statistics. Competing with myself in a contest that's never ending.
And it hurts. It hurts to think it owns me and it hurts to own up to it. But that's sin for ya.
Some things are going to change. But there's one thing that won't. Let me talk about that first.
To me, we've grown into a community I never expected to value so much. I pray for you when I read hurt in your comments. I laugh with you when you're laughing with me. You've extended the community over to Facebook, and we've talked back and forth. Months ago we were strangers, today you are friends. You are an amazing blessing.
I seriously considered giving up Stacy From Louisville completely. I went back and forth but finally found peace with taking you along with me on this journey. It took lots of soul searching and waiting on God to come to this decision. That is why I haven't posted in over a week.
So here's the deal. Most likely, I will be posting less often, an only when I have something worth saying. As always, when I find something funny I'll share it with you. Laughing, sarcasm, chatty - that's who I am. But trying to conjure up fantastical and being worried about Stacy From Louisville Superstardom - that's over. Dead. Audios.
In its place you'll see me chronicle my journey about seeking the real Jesus.
What? The real Jesus? Read on.
I had this amazing conversation with a counselor friend at church about my blog and my faith in general. I said, "I feel like I've shut myself off from God." He said, and I think this is brilliant, "Have you shut yourself off from God or from your preconceived notions of who you think God is? If we knew the REAL God, instead of what we have him made out to be, no one would shut themselves off from Him."
That, my friends, is idolatry. I put my baggage - hurt from the past, misunderstandings, even false teachings - on God. So much so that when all that stuff piles up it blocks God from the picture and I don't even see Him anymore. Without realizing it I throw God under the bus and settle for a craptastic substitute.
Like a blog. Or over-eating. Or arguing with my spouse. Or my health. Or my discontent. Or a million other things that amount to nothing when it's all said and done.
In talking with my friend I told him about how, for a long time, I've felt disconnected from the physical community at my church. I was in a long-term Bible study that offered academia and legality but no connection. I skimmed the surface of friendships, afraid to invest too much out of fear of being hurt. I've tried to be a square peg in a round hole instead of finding other square pegs to hang with.
My friend was quick to remind me that by isolating myself from investing in the Body of Christ I was cutting off a major avenue to the love of Christ . He was right. He is alive in His body. Often I've wasted time being critical of the church instead of finding my place in it, and I'm putting an end to it. That means I stop whining, be a big girl and pursue relationships instead of waiting for them to fall in my lap. So that's what I'm off to do.
You're more than welcome to journey with me.
Hearing my children sing the chorus of this song is one of the things He used to keep convicting me. Sing along if you know the words.
In case you stop by one day and there's no new post, please check out 97seconds. Jon Acuff of Stuff Christians Like did 28 days on Proverbs 12. It's extremely well done and worth your time.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
An Update
Last Saturday my grandma fell and broke her pelvis in two places. Two months before this incident she fell and broke her tailbone.
I talked to her last night for 30 minutes on the phone. She cried nearly the whole time from pain and loneliness. She is either allergic or nauseated by most pain meds., so they give her what they can but it's not enough to take the pain away.
She is now on oxygen 24 hours a day. And she's weary - from pain, frustration, illness, missing my grandfather for 12 years...
She has bounced back from so much in the past several months. While bouncing back is a good thing, and obviously in God's plan for her, she's a little weaker each time. This fall in many ways is worse than the heart attack she suffered late last year. The pain is worse and prolonged.
She turns 85 on Tuesday. She loves the Lord, yet she's weary of this world. As much as I love her I'm ready to see her suffering end. But who can say what God's will is?
Thank you for your prayers and e-mails concerning this situation. My faith rests in Christ.
Much love,
Stacy
I talked to her last night for 30 minutes on the phone. She cried nearly the whole time from pain and loneliness. She is either allergic or nauseated by most pain meds., so they give her what they can but it's not enough to take the pain away.
She is now on oxygen 24 hours a day. And she's weary - from pain, frustration, illness, missing my grandfather for 12 years...
She has bounced back from so much in the past several months. While bouncing back is a good thing, and obviously in God's plan for her, she's a little weaker each time. This fall in many ways is worse than the heart attack she suffered late last year. The pain is worse and prolonged.
She turns 85 on Tuesday. She loves the Lord, yet she's weary of this world. As much as I love her I'm ready to see her suffering end. But who can say what God's will is?
Thank you for your prayers and e-mails concerning this situation. My faith rests in Christ.
Much love,
Stacy
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Personal Evangelism Tool
If you happen to be reading this at work, in a local coffee shop, or at a public library, immediately stop what you are doing. Stand up right where you are and loudly ask everyone around you, "If you are not a Christian raise your hand." (People appreciate directness so they'll love you for taking the time to ask.) Then quickly gather all these wayward sheep to your computer, gingerly play the following clip, and let The Spirit move. Oh, and make sure everyone is at least 2 feet from your monitor so they will have room to come forward. Unless, of course, you are not one of the frozen chosen, in which case you will need to amass yoga mats to cushion those being slain in The Spirit. It will be similar to Pentecost sans the original cast. Good luck and God bless.
(P.S. Are you and Jesus homies? Apparently that is an option for those wanting to upgrade their salvation package to "gangsta status".)
Now tell me. Who wants the gangsta status? It comes with a free gotee and lowrider toga.
(P.S. Are you and Jesus homies? Apparently that is an option for those wanting to upgrade their salvation package to "gangsta status".)
Now tell me. Who wants the gangsta status? It comes with a free gotee and lowrider toga.
Monday, February 23, 2009
My Battle With Chronic Pain
Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking in anything. James 1:4
These days chronic pain is my companion. It is the first sensation I wake to in the morning and usually the last sensation I fall asleep to at night. I didn't ask for my life to be this way, it's just something that has happened to me.
On better days - when the waves of pain part just long enough for me to come up for air - I'd call on the better angels of my nature to make a glowing spiritual conclusion about it all. Yet today isn't a better day. To tell the truth, I haven't had a better day in over a month.
To give you perspective, I can't remember a day in the last 4 years I didn't have pain. According to my doctor I have fibromyalgia, or something like it, no one knows for sure. It's not autoimmune, like rheumatoid arthritis. It's not degenerative, like, say Lupus or MS. For this I am thankful, especially since both autoimmune and degenerative conditions run in my family. God has protected me in ways I don't fully comprehend; this makes my heart swell with love for Him.
Still, I am in pain. I have never let you into this part of my life because I am afraid. First, out of pride, I don't want to be seen as "sick" instead of Stacy. Regardless of how I feel on a certain day I am still me and don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Secondly, owning up to an Achilles Heel forces me to acknowledge the situation, which hurts, but in a different way.
Usually I deal and move on. Unfortunately, this month I've been land blasted. While my pain is usually isolated to headaches, upper back pain and arm pain, the location of the pain has shifted to my hips, legs, feet, and hands. This month there have been days when I can't stand for more than 5 minutes at a time. As a mom this is bad news, but manageable because I can sit and still accomplish many things - cooking while sitting on the counter, playing board games, driving, shoveling ice cream into my mouth, etc. Then that gave out, too. For the past 7-10 days I have been exhausted and overwhelmed by searing pain. Laying down has been my only option. That's not so easy to hide.
Pain meds? Yes, there are some I can take but most don't work. My doctor suggested trying a narcotic last week. I refused. To be frank, when we know I have a pain issue that will be life-long I can't start a regimen of narcotics at 34. I've never been addicted to drugs but I'm not going to say I'm above anything. Someone told me, "When you get desperate enough you'll give up." Maybe, but that's not today. Others use them with great success and I'm happy for them. For me, I can't go there now... Maybe it's pride. Or determination to overcome. Probably both.
Dealing with pain has brought depression into my life. And guilt - there's always the mommy guilt. That sounds like, "Why can't I be like other moms? I want to run with my kids, too. I don't want to give in to pain and be grouchy, short fused, tired, etc." And of course there's the idea that my kids will remember me as Mommy Malady.
Anything that is not critically important has fallen by the wayside. When I want to be a person of my word there have been promises I haven't been able to maintain because I just can't. Then, I worry about being seen as inconsistent or unreliable. I know, I know. I shouldn't worry about what others think, but I do. Not long ago I had a Bible study leader say to me, "I've noticed Dan and the kids at church without you. That's wrong. I know you say you have pain but it can't be that bad, can it?" Slap! Though I think that's judgemental and shortsighted, it hurts to know I'm not the only one questioning myself.
Many of my disappointments with the circumstance would cease if I'd give up the idea that perfect is attainable. What I'm coming to understand is that perfect is best defined as "something I don't have right now". What I mean is, on any given day, pain or not, I've given in to the idolatry called covetousness. I want what someone else has. It's like there's this buffet of all things bright and shiny and good just waiting to be had but I've been denied access. One person noshes on "no depression" not realizing I'd love just a bite of what's on her plate. So I shut her out to protect myself. (Then wonder why I feel isolated...) Another person ladles "pain free" into a bowl and heartily eats. But somehow my ladle is just a slotted spoon. So I get mad about what I don't have, begrudge others for being blessed, and sob over all things unattained. And somehow, it never makes me feel any better.
There is only one way out: daily perseverance. The discipline of perseverance (or patience) can be hard work to maintain. It's not glossing over the circumstance, it's remaining faithful regardless of it. In other words, it's remembering that while the slotted spoon may not hold all things, it still catches meat when given a chance.
This is my struggle. It may show up as pain but it translates to whether or not I embrace "my grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in your weakness". (II Corinthians 2:9)
Do you struggle? Think you'd share with me, and others here, what your struggle is? If you can't share your struggle, how do you embrace Christ in spite of it? Your answers would be so encouraging. Maybe they'd be a resource to all of us.
P.S. Amazingly, I have not lost my sense of humor. Though my posts have not been as meaty you guys still show up and that has kept me going. Here and on facebook (Stacy A. Small) our community has blessed me over and over. Thank you so much! You all are amazing. I hope you are blessed too.)
These days chronic pain is my companion. It is the first sensation I wake to in the morning and usually the last sensation I fall asleep to at night. I didn't ask for my life to be this way, it's just something that has happened to me.
On better days - when the waves of pain part just long enough for me to come up for air - I'd call on the better angels of my nature to make a glowing spiritual conclusion about it all. Yet today isn't a better day. To tell the truth, I haven't had a better day in over a month.
To give you perspective, I can't remember a day in the last 4 years I didn't have pain. According to my doctor I have fibromyalgia, or something like it, no one knows for sure. It's not autoimmune, like rheumatoid arthritis. It's not degenerative, like, say Lupus or MS. For this I am thankful, especially since both autoimmune and degenerative conditions run in my family. God has protected me in ways I don't fully comprehend; this makes my heart swell with love for Him.
Still, I am in pain. I have never let you into this part of my life because I am afraid. First, out of pride, I don't want to be seen as "sick" instead of Stacy. Regardless of how I feel on a certain day I am still me and don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Secondly, owning up to an Achilles Heel forces me to acknowledge the situation, which hurts, but in a different way.
Usually I deal and move on. Unfortunately, this month I've been land blasted. While my pain is usually isolated to headaches, upper back pain and arm pain, the location of the pain has shifted to my hips, legs, feet, and hands. This month there have been days when I can't stand for more than 5 minutes at a time. As a mom this is bad news, but manageable because I can sit and still accomplish many things - cooking while sitting on the counter, playing board games, driving, shoveling ice cream into my mouth, etc. Then that gave out, too. For the past 7-10 days I have been exhausted and overwhelmed by searing pain. Laying down has been my only option. That's not so easy to hide.
Pain meds? Yes, there are some I can take but most don't work. My doctor suggested trying a narcotic last week. I refused. To be frank, when we know I have a pain issue that will be life-long I can't start a regimen of narcotics at 34. I've never been addicted to drugs but I'm not going to say I'm above anything. Someone told me, "When you get desperate enough you'll give up." Maybe, but that's not today. Others use them with great success and I'm happy for them. For me, I can't go there now... Maybe it's pride. Or determination to overcome. Probably both.
Dealing with pain has brought depression into my life. And guilt - there's always the mommy guilt. That sounds like, "Why can't I be like other moms? I want to run with my kids, too. I don't want to give in to pain and be grouchy, short fused, tired, etc." And of course there's the idea that my kids will remember me as Mommy Malady.
Anything that is not critically important has fallen by the wayside. When I want to be a person of my word there have been promises I haven't been able to maintain because I just can't. Then, I worry about being seen as inconsistent or unreliable. I know, I know. I shouldn't worry about what others think, but I do. Not long ago I had a Bible study leader say to me, "I've noticed Dan and the kids at church without you. That's wrong. I know you say you have pain but it can't be that bad, can it?" Slap! Though I think that's judgemental and shortsighted, it hurts to know I'm not the only one questioning myself.
Many of my disappointments with the circumstance would cease if I'd give up the idea that perfect is attainable. What I'm coming to understand is that perfect is best defined as "something I don't have right now". What I mean is, on any given day, pain or not, I've given in to the idolatry called covetousness. I want what someone else has. It's like there's this buffet of all things bright and shiny and good just waiting to be had but I've been denied access. One person noshes on "no depression" not realizing I'd love just a bite of what's on her plate. So I shut her out to protect myself. (Then wonder why I feel isolated...) Another person ladles "pain free" into a bowl and heartily eats. But somehow my ladle is just a slotted spoon. So I get mad about what I don't have, begrudge others for being blessed, and sob over all things unattained. And somehow, it never makes me feel any better.
There is only one way out: daily perseverance. The discipline of perseverance (or patience) can be hard work to maintain. It's not glossing over the circumstance, it's remaining faithful regardless of it. In other words, it's remembering that while the slotted spoon may not hold all things, it still catches meat when given a chance.
This is my struggle. It may show up as pain but it translates to whether or not I embrace "my grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in your weakness". (II Corinthians 2:9)
Do you struggle? Think you'd share with me, and others here, what your struggle is? If you can't share your struggle, how do you embrace Christ in spite of it? Your answers would be so encouraging. Maybe they'd be a resource to all of us.
P.S. Amazingly, I have not lost my sense of humor. Though my posts have not been as meaty you guys still show up and that has kept me going. Here and on facebook (Stacy A. Small) our community has blessed me over and over. Thank you so much! You all are amazing. I hope you are blessed too.)
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