I Hope I Don't Get Dropped Kicked

So, it's 10pm and I was looking at Stacy's blog when someone asked if I could do a guest post. So, knowing that this is sacred ground that I am treading on, I'll seek forgiveness later instead of permission now.

I need to say that I am very proud of Stacy for her dedication to her blog. We have been married for almost 10 years and she is a very creative person (one of the reasons I married her, she married me because of my 10 key skills) and over the past several years that creativity has been looking for a way to express itself. She loves to write and I am thankful that she has found this outlet and a community that she feels very close to. Being a CPA, I'm actually quite happy spending my day in my office, talking to only myself. As you can imagine this would drive Stacy insane, infact even the thought of how I can enjoy it is sick to her. Even though I don't share her excitement about the comments, it does make me happy to she her light up.

So, with that said, here it goes...

The 5 Things A CPA Never Wants To Hear During Tax Season...

1. Please don't tell me the office lost power
You see, I'm really ok with the majority of the city being without power. People are more worried about McDonalds running out of food and leave me alone. I was even ok with no power at the house, at least until I found out that there was a half eaten carton of Moose Tracks ice cream melting in the freezer! It's tax season, and I spend as much time as I can at the office. We have a fridge, a microwave and a tv (March Madness is right around the corner). It is a small practice and truely is a home away from home for me. But the power out at work, now that sucks. January 31 is a deadline for us, so this is really bad timing. By the way half melted Moose Tracks is better then no Moose Tracks. Melted Moose Tracks, old pizza and a coke, how about that for dinner!

2. When do you think you will have my tax return done (for the 5th time)?
Is there a nice way to say I have no flippin idea and if you ask me again your are going to the bottom of this list! That line is often used with my kids, if you ask me one more time how much longer until we get there, I'm going to turn the car around and go back home! Your right, I've probably said it but never meant it unless we were headed to Chuckie Cheese. It's not even February yet and we probably have about 50 corporate returns sitting in the office right now. So, when Monday comes and everyone gets their W2's that list will be closer to 125 in the next 7-10 days. So, if you have a CPA do your taxes, be nice to them this year. Drop off your stuff, give him a coke and don't ask when they will be done, just smile, say I hope you are having a great day and let me know when they are done. Chances are you just got your taxes moved up the list.

3. So, how have you been....
With all due respect most people just don't understand tax season. There are just three of us in the office and only two who actually sign off on returns. Last year we probably did close to 700 returns. Now not all of those will get done by April 15 but still, I really don't have time to chit chat about your aunt millie who had a colon cleaned out this past summer. I don't care about your kids or where you went on vacation. And when I sound interested about the fact that you got married had a baby or got a new job, I couldn't care less. The only reason I care about that cute new baby that looks like a monkey is the extra deduction you'll get on your tax return. Which by the way you will thank me for as if I'm giving you the extra money. This causes me to laugh at you and call you a freak as soon as you leave the office, because that new tax deduction sure is going to cost you alot more then what you are saving on your taxes. And yes we do make fun of people when the leave the office sometimes, not the most Christian thing to do, so I'll apologize in advance.

4. Well, just use the same amounts as last year or just give me the maximum allowed
Hmmm. I don't know if you realize this but the IRS is really not a bad bunch of people. I often have the honor of calling them and the number I call is special. I typically don't have to wait more then 10 minutes on hold and since I know what I'm talking about they will listen to me. But even though I will tell the IRS some sob story about how pathetic of a client you are (don't forget I'm on your side, so give me a break), they will not be happy when they want proof of a charity deduction and my response is "Oh well that's what they had last year". That's just not how it works. That's like getting pulled over by a cop and he asks Do you know how fast you were going, and you saying well last year I was only going.... In case you have ever wondered, audits are real but not real fun. Seriously I'd rather spend a whole day at the mall then go through an audit. Just be honest on your taxes both your CPA and God, I mean the IRS will be much happier with you.

5. Oh, did I tell you about...
It's April 15 at 4pm, your taxes are signed, all of the copies have been printed, they are in a nice pretty little folder that you will loose or stuff in the back of a drawer, and you walk in the door and say, Oh, did I tell you about.... WELL, @$&! NO YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THA, YOU IDIOT!!!! Once again that is one of those things that is said after you leave the office, but believe me it is screaming in my mind. The misconception is that I sit around the office all day eating Bon Bons and playing Halo 3 with the other people in the office just waiting for you to come in the door. I'd say we make 40% of our money for the year before April 15. So, if you want to be nice to your CPA make sure you give him all the information the first time.

So there you have it, a guest post from the guy married to SFL. And if you have any good tax stories I'd sure love to hear them (Wow, that will make for some fun comments!! I can hardly wait and I'm sure Stacy is about to pee her pants)

Stacy really gets a kick out of everyone that reads and comments on her craziness. She will be back so just hold tight.

Stacy, thank you for enduring tax season, hope you are warm and give your mom a big smooch for me.

Good night and Happy Tax Season!

Stacy From...Indy?

500,000+ homes are without power in Louisville and we're in the mix. So I'm headed to Indy, but without Dan. He's got to stay here. Know what that means? NO COMPUTER FOR STACY...

Know that until I post again I miss you, love you, and think of you often. See you in a few days.

Thanks for understanding.

Ice! And Snow! And I'm Freezing! Oh My!

I've never pooped a butterfly but I'm sure that's nice. And, kids, I could use a little nice today. Or at least a vacation from reality.

A huge ice and snow storm came through Louisville Tuesday and Wednesday. SFL headquarters is without power as of yesterday afternoon, which is more spectacular than I can say. Much of the city is shut down, without power and roads are filled with broken and uprooted trees.

We're looking at about 7 days without power. Every hotel room in the city is filled. We're trying to figure out what to do.

Sorry for the short post. In the meantime, can we come stay with you?

Subscribe to Stacy From Louisville - An Intereractive Cut and Paste!

Did you know you can have all the goodness of Stacy From Louisville in the form of a subscription? There is a real, live button somewhere on this blog that says "subscribe". It's true! It has only taken me six whole weeks to figure it out.

No, I'm not kidding. That's 6 whole weeks.

For you, dear friends, I stayed course and finished strong. With 3 dashes of common sense, a click of the mouse, and a few swear words thrown in for good measure I came through for you. So do me a favor. Have this lovely site sent to you already.

To tell the truth, I'm not all that sure how a subscription works, I'm assuming it comes directly to you, but then again, it took me 6 whole weeks to figure out the application. You might want to send it to a friend first, or an enemy, you know, whatever and see what happens. In fact, why don't I just make up a nice little note for you to e-mail right to them announcing their new subscription to Stacy From Louisville? That's right. You can now e-mail posts, too. Figured that out around the same time I figured out the subscription thing. I'm so innernets stupid.

Personalize, then cut and past the following. Or just e-mail as is. Either way you're about to become super popular and get invited to lots of parties and stuff. Wow. What's it like to be lucky ol' you? This is no regualr Tuesday my friends.

***********************************************************************************

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!




You're such a good (choose one, but don't write on your screen dummy - it won't send) : friend, neighbor, husband, sister, pastor, babysitter, acquaintance, janitor, bank teller I barely know, felon and/or inmate, therapist with compromised boundaries, stranger who makes me uncomfortable

In honor of the time you (again, no ink on the monitor): offered your friendship, babysat my kids, walked my dog, demusked the ferret, locked the liquor cabinet when my kids came over, dented my car and then denied it, stole my identity, cut me off in the carpool lane

I'm giving you this free subscription to Stacy From Louisville, the only blog (pick all that apply): as nice as you, I ever read, with month long PMS - just like you!, as neurotic as you, that might talk some sense into you and your inbred family


Have a nice: day, picnic, eternity, 6 years to life, hootenanny, SSRI, burrito, breast augmentation you vain pin head

Love: (insert your name), your wife, your mom, your dad, the cat, that girl you couldn't stand in high school, William Shatner, or Jon Acuff

**************************************************************************************

So tell me, do you like the subscription notification I made? I did it all by myself. Is it too much? Just who will you be sending it to?

How To Be A Good Wife, Vol. 1

Why yes, the appetizer does match my dress!!

Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954

(to see my response to this list click here)

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Hungry for more? Scroll down to the next post.

How To Be A Good Wife, Vol. 2

Did you just say margarita?

The Stacy From Louisville Response to 1954's List

Have ice in abundance in the freezer. This will not make dinner but it will make margaritas easier to assemble. Plan ahead and keep mixer on hand at all times. Immediately after carpool begin nursing your drink to make homework time more enjoyable for all.

Prepare for dinner. Most men are hungry when they come home. So meet him in the driveway, kids in one hand, Margarita in the other. Jump in the car before he knows what hit him. Don't say "hi" or "How was your day?" Men prefer a woman who is direct. He'll appreciate a simple "Applebees. Now." Be sure to tell him how to drive the entire way, he's tired after all, and will probably forget to stop on red and go on green. Warn him not to hit potholes or speed bumps because you will not be responsible for margarita that spills between the seats.

Prepare yourself for his arrival home. Brush your teeth (finally) around 4:30. If he wanted you to be refreshed for his arrival home he should have thought about that before you had that 4th kid. Too late now.

Clear away the clutter. Make a trip to the living room and shove school papers, toys, magazines, stray cheetos, the hamster and empty mixer bottles under the couch cushions. Later, when he mentions the couch is very uncomfortable suggest he hand you the remote and see if he feels better. This is also a good time to remind him you are wanting a new couch. Men like advanced warning of expensive, frivolous purchases that loom on the horizon of the Visa bill. Lucky guy. He'll think you're the cat's pajamas.

Prepare the children. Stick them in front of a DVD or violent video game. Put in earplugs. Read a romance novel and wonder where your life went off course.

Some don'ts: Don't look too good when he comes home. You looked fantastic on your wedding day. More than that is too much to ask. Don't forget your list of broken appliances and children's arguments that need his immediate attention. After all, he needs to know his expertise is valued. Don't forget to point out the TV dinners in the freezer as you waltz yourself upstairs for some "Bible study time". He was at work all day laughing and carousing with co-workers over Hawiian Punch and pillow fights. He's surely ready to come home and do something productive.

The Goal: To lovingly introduce him to the chaos that is your life so he will be more than happy to go to work day after day to provide for the family in every way. Up to and including purchasing a new couch. And a vasectomy.

Is there anything I forgot? Please make your suggestions as swell as possible.

Don't Mess Up An Otherwise Pure Friday

What else can I say?

Anne Taintor post cards

Love Stinks Give Away

I love bacon so much I could have married it, but I don't think it would have worked out. Eventually, I'm sure, in a moment of weakness, I'd give myself over to pork rinds. It would have been a scandalous mess of inappropriate. There'd be sleepless nights with nothing but my regrets and Celene Dion's "All By Myself" to comfort me. Surely bacon and I would take the high road, enter couples therapy and renew our vows. But would we ever sizzle like we had before? My friends, in the grand slam scheme of things, that's a gamble I'm just not willing to take.

Bottom line: Love, in whatever form, is never easy.

Apparently you agree wholeheartedly.

Two days ago I announced that in February we'd be talking about dating, marriage, relationships and sex. I thought I'd bribe you to leave a comment by offering a gift. Yet when some of you saw the word "sex" as a topic of discussion you needed no bribe, you were more than willing to give your 2 cents, and then some. I'm glad you did.

For whatever reason most churches I've attended treat sex as an off limits topic, even in married circles. To me it's a shame. God created us for relationships. He also designed marriage. Sex was part of His plan. If Christians can't talk about healthy relationships or sex we open ourselves to the world's skewed perspective. The world's perspective is one of instant gratification, selfishness, and abandonment. God's perspective of relationships is surrender, forgiveness, and intimacy. So this month we're going to compare and contrast the two and I can't wait to journey with you.

In the meantime let me introduce the Love Stinks Super Smelly Prize Pack o' Puke:


This lovely prize pack celebrates all the times love has left a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep. Been dumped? Misunderstood? Two timed? Annoyed? Then this is the pack for you!

1 - 3 pack Flarp! Stink Bag. Squeeze each sulfur filled pack, shake, bag will begin to inflate, drop and run. The bag will burst open and pop filling your world with with nothin' but whiff. (Couldn't make it up if I tried.)

1 - Cat Butt Air Freshener. Smells like hyacinth, shaped like a cat's butt. To quote the package, "Blue Q air fresheners mask unpleasant odors from spilled beverages and bits of hamburger dropped between the seats." Only $2.95 at a Books-A-Million near you. (Also comes in Mullet!)

1 Jack Link's Jerky Chew Shredded Beef Jerky. On a very personal note, I once had a friend who dipped. He'd spit in an empty Coke can. That was disgusting. But here we have beef you can suck on to your heart's content. And in fundamentalist settings, too. For example:

Sally Seuss McKnickertwist: I see your chew there in a wad. You chew in the pew? I think that's odd. You must not read the Word of God!

You: No, actually I'm sucking on beef. Whether or not you know it, you suck, too.

1 box of Bean Boozled Jelly Belly Jelly Beans - In this box are 20 jelly beans that look identical, 2 white, 2 green, 2 black, etc. The problem is one tastes good, the other tastes awful. Here are the flavors: Pencil Shavings, Skunk Spray, Vomit, Baby Wipes, and so on. Good luck with that.

Today's lucky, randomly selected winner is: Stacie @ 7:40 am! Congratulations Stacie. Email me your info and your prize is on its way!

But there's one more gift I'd like to give away and here it is:

2009 Anne Taintor Wall Calendar, the official wall calendar of SFL. Had it with domestic bliss? This retro calendar features color photos and captions like, "There was nothing passive about her aggression" and "Her proudest achievement was staying blonde."

This lovely calendar is awarded to the owner of this comment that made my day:

"Sex is my favorite! Who else is singin' Salt 'n Peppa right now?!!" Daphnie

Between now and the end of February keep this ideas coming. Leave comments. Or e-mail me at stacyasmall@att.net

For today, answer this question: What is the difference between love and infatuation? What does it take to have both in a marriage?

For The Least of These, Vol. 1

Outreach: Stories From The Shadows of The Streets

Across town a starving teenage boy prostitutes himself in exchange for a meal.

Beneath a cluster of trees a 17 year old girl, strung out on drugs, will wake up tomorrow with frost on her clothes and her face in the dirt.

In an abandoned building a group of young people huddle together to escape hypothermia, using a toaster as their only source of heat.

Today, in the United States, 13 homeless young people will die, remembered only by the statistic that outlives them.

These situations are not fictional, they are real. In cities all over the U.S. homeless teenagers sleep beneath over passes, congregate in drainage ditches, or make their home in a car. These are the invisible people, loved by Jesus Christ, that Outreach, Inc. of Indianapolis, IN embraces every day.

Established in 1996 Outreach, Inc. is a non-profit Christian ministry in Indianapolis, IN. Their mission is to reach out to homeless and at-risk young adults with the compassion of Jesus Christ. Outreach accomplishes this by providing street outreach, a youth drop-in center, holistic social services, emergency/referral services and case management; operated in an environment of God's love. They are dedicated to introducing the youth to a relationship with Jesus Christ and helping them to mature in that relationship. Outreach comes along side the church in helping it understand and fulfill the “Great Commission” on a local level by training, equipping and supporting the body of Christ and community to minister to this population, empowering the youth to exit the street life.

Eric Howard is the founder of Outreach. He and his staff of 6 are burdened for the survival of street kids. "Every community has homeless teens," Howard relates, "It just a matter of connecting with them." And connecting with these teens is exactly what he and his staff have done.

Outreach staff and volunteers are on the streets 2-3 days a week, week after week, searching for youth ages 17-24. They meet kids and build a relationships with them based on trust. Their goal is to move them toward leaving the street life and culture.

When most of us think of homelessness we think of adults. Yet, according to Howard, it's not uncommon for teenagers to become homeless for numerous reasons: the death of their only parent, running away to escape physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, addiction, mental illness, and abandonment to name a few. But the danger doesn't end when these young people leave home. Life on the streets is about survival at any cost. Howard said, "These kids don't make long term plans. Their greatest hope is to live to see the next day, to survive despite the odds. Every day they could face rape, abduction, addiction, murder, hypothermia, starvation or gang activity. And that's just the tip of the iceberg."

According to the statistics Howard is right.

1/3 of homeless teens report having witnessed a stabbing, rape, shooting, or murder.
32% of homeless teenagers have attempted suicide.
41% of females report being pregnant to shelters.
85% of homeless youth report substance use disorders.

In light of these statistics it isn't surprising that Outreach clients are often bitter and disillusioned. Because of their condition - homeless, jobless, turned away, overlooked, and terrified - trust does not come easily. Yet through the staff and volunteers of Outreach these kids and their needs are not overlooked. A help line is available to them 24 hours a day. The drop-in facility offers washer/dryer facilities, hot showers, warm clothing, food, and most importantly, a sense of belonging.

Outreach journeys with homeless and runaway kids through offering mentoring, GED training, job assistance, permanent housing, and other services. The journey is about finding hope and sharing the love of Christ. "We stake our reputation on these kids every day," Howard emphasized. "They don't want to be dirty, lost, dealing or trading sex for a place to sleep or food to eat. But until they're shown a way out this is the only way they know. We're here shining the light of Christ and offering a home in Him."

"In our society we associate 'a home' with a physical address. But what we forget is that on this earth, none of us is really at home. And we never will be home until we are found in Christ. Yes we meet physical needs but if that were all we did it wouldn't matter. We represent Jesus through being available day and night. We do it through offering acceptance, not judgement. Through seeing past the circumstance to the real person created by Christ."

Outreach is a donor supported ministry that would not exist without individuals like you and me banding together to championing its cause: providing help, hope, and a reason to live to homeless and at risk youth. In order to reach more kids and provide quality services they need our help.
And what they're asking is radically easy to provide.

Today you can help Outreach, Inc. for $10 a month for 24 months. Let that sink in while you consider this: Would you be willing to sacrifice 2 cups of overpriced coffee a month to give Jesus something to eat? Could you let go of 2 value meals a month if it meant Jesus didn't have to wake up with frost on his clothes? When you sacrifice for the sake of an at risk youth, helping Jesus is exactly what you're doing.

To middle-class Americans $10 can run through our fingers like sand, forgotten before it even slips away. Let's collect those lost dollars for the sake of finding a lost child of Christ. Follow this link to the Outreach website and find out how you can help. Because of what I've learned in writing this I'm putting $20 a month toward the cause. I'm giving up NetFlix and not looking back.

Consider. Pray. Sacrifice. All for the sake of Christ. Imagine how beautiful he looks on the face of a homeless teenager, one of the least of these.



If you have questions or desire to establish a homeless ministry in your area contact Eric Howard at: info@outreachindiana.org

Today, how will you make the world a better place for some of the least of these? Leave your comment, or encouragement for Outreach's ministry, here.

Contest loot and winners will be announced Thursday. Until then, what relationship topics would you like SFL to cover in February?