April 15 (or, My Tax Guy Is Hotter Than Yours)

There he stood by the door. Light rain was falling, the haloed glow from the porch lamp radiating around his evocatively stuffed man bag. He put his coat on, pulled his keys from his pocket and said, "Please excuse me while I return to the office and make out with my calculator." With that, he was gone, leaving a trail of W2s behind him.

Over the years I've had the fantasy of being being chided by the cruel but mysterious tax man. There he stands, armed with an abacus and mechanical pencil. Ring around the collar, tight leisure pants, marinara stains above his suggestive pocket protector - and me, so naughty and disobedient for not submitting my medical receipts. Pheromones and audit hang heavy in the air. Somebody stop me before I claim a false deduction.

I'm all aflush just thinking about it.

What? You don't think your accountant is hot? Mine is. But he's also my husband. That's right, Dan Small, C.P.A., my very own slice of 10-40 heaven.

But today is the last day he'll be pimping out loop holes to save mankind from Uncle Sam. Today is April 15.

To be clear my husband does not get to stand on a street corner dressed as the statue of liberty and wave down traffic to solicit business. Instead, he works for himself, relying on word of mouth to generate income.

In the last two days he had to tell several clients they owed money to the IRS. One owed $12,500, the other $76,000, which would be fine with me except we don't get a cut on either one. Dang. (If you are either of these clients my most abject apologies and a reminder that Stacy From Louisville links are always free. It's the least I can do.)

Tonight he's taking me out to dinner. (I have a Liberty Tax Service Statue of Liberty hat just for the occasion. Yes, I'm wearing it.) Then, tomorrow, he'll celebrate even further by playing golf at a crappy course (it belongs to a client but it's not a kick back I swear). Then he'll treat himself to a Super Cuts special and just for giggles, properly fold a map and sort my kitchen utensils according to mass. Wheeeee!

You can take the accountant out of the office but you can't take the accountant out of the man.

If you'd like to hear more of his perspective on tax season please click here. Back in January he hijacked my blog and wrote a post. I had no idea he'd done it until my sister called me and asked if I'd checked my blog lately. Quite hysterical even though it is accountant humor. It's the most romantic thing he's done in years.

So, I'd like to dedicate this post to Dan Small, C.P.A. At this very moment I'm giddy with tax season lunacy, honey. You can audit me any time you want.

What's your tax season story? Do you owe this year? Or are you getting money back? We owe $900 to the state of Kentucky... Like my blog doesn't already generate enough notoriety to call it even...

Easter is Everything

I have a reason to hope that has nothing to do with anything I could ever do or say. The very sin that bores a hole in my soul is soothed and healed by the blood and resurrection of Jesus Christ, Son of God. Many times we rightly say, "It's not about me" but when it comes to His death and resurrection it is about me - and you. He loves you and me to death and back.

On Easter our hope is confirmed. Our fellowship in Him is renewed.

The celebration of heaven extends to mortality a little more because we're more in touch with the reason for the faith we have. Easter is everything.

That we would infuse our fellowship with that same electric joy of the resurrection every day.

I serve a risen Savior He's in the world today
I know that He is living whatever men may say
I see His hand of mercy I hear His voice of cheer
And just the time I need Him He's always near

He lives! He lives!
Christ Jesus lives today!
He walks with me and talks with me
Along life's narrow way
He lives! He lives!
Salvation to impart
You ask me how I know He lives
He lives within my heart

Rejoice, rejoice O Christian lift up your voice and sing
Eternal hallelujahs to Jesus Christ the King!
The hope of all who seek Him,
The help of all who find
None other is so loving so good and kind...

Meet Mr. Peep Poop

As far as pranks and general disgustingness go Easter is pretty tame. However, it is my belief that even the sweetest of holidays can tricked out in ewww. For this simple prank you will only need the following:

(you will also need wax paper and a microwave)

What? What's that you say? How can marshmallowy goodness and miniature cream eggs buy a ticket to Ickville?

Take your Cadburry fondant delectable, place in on the wax paper and microwave it on high for about 7 seconds, until it just begins to melt.

I could explain the rest, but why don't I just show you?

Meet Mr. Peep Poop

It seems our sugary friend has had an accident, and right on my computer desk, too. Poor little chickadee had to go pee-pee, and seeing that he has no wings or legs, he had to make do (or doo doo?).

Mr. Peep Poop puts the panache back in Passover, the Goofy in Good Friday, the Edible in Easter. No matter the date, he puts the "F" in family and fecal matter. Just sit one of these little guys on a guest's chair and when they pull it out - surprise! Or what if he flew inside the mailbox by mistake? Or what if he and 25 of his friends found his way to your neighbor's car windshield? Or just one little guy got left behind...(wait for it)...on your mother-in-law's toilet seat? Silly birdy, he almost made it.

Be sure to let me know how it works for you. Send me a JPG and I'll post it right here. Or do you have your own gross candy gag? Please share. I'm all about sharing.

I'm In Love And I Don't Care Who Knows It

I'm pretty sure I'm related to these guys in some way. They are fantastical. Please use the bathroom or spit your food out before viewing. I wouldn't want you to mess yourself.

Which one is your favorite?

ShamWOW! Song

(Just to accomodate today's token of spectacular I changed my blogger template. Tell me, who else loves you like I do??)

If Billy Mays sold poop in a bag I'd probably buy it. Not that I need more poop in a bag, it's just that I can't resist a man who thinks every sentence is worth a shout and an exclamation point!!! But then I met Vince from ShamWOW. Within moments I kicked Billy's hairy faced, raspy holler to the curb.

Something spectacular happens at 2:19 so make sure to catch it. You know the Germans always make good stuff. SIGN. ME. UP.

Ways To Make People Think You're Crazy

1. In the middle of a conversation, throw up your hands and yell, "STOP! Hammer Time!" Then do the typewriter.

2. Suck on yellow and green gummy bears until they're good and slimy. Make hacking noises in an elevator, then spit them into your hand. Show them to the person next to you and ask for a hanky.

3. Trade out grape juice for hard liquor at communion.

4. Hook up the worship leader's mic to a clapper.

5. Before meeting anyone new pop an alka-seltzer tablet into your mouth. Carry on normal conversation.

6. Forward spam as an attachment with a note saying, "This is awesome."


7. Regularly discuss your bowel habits.


8. Whenever anyone asks you what time it is, subtract 15 minutes from the true time.


9. Ask your neighbors if they'd be interested in becoming blood brothers.


10. Play tag in Wal-Mart. Fitting room lady is home base.


11. Put invisible fence collars on toddlers in the church nursery.


12. In the drive thru make sure to indicate that your order is "to go".


13. When people share prayer requests say, "Your life is a train wreck."


14. Don't plant flowers. Put empty soda cans on sticks and cluster them around your yard. Water them while neighbors do yard work.


15. Tell kids that Disney World burned down and the ice cream truck only plays music when they're out of ice cream.


16. Sing "Wake Me Up Before You G0-Go" when using public restrooms.


17. Attach large signs to drinking fountains that declare, "FREE WATER TODAY!!!"


18. Sign up to be an usher at church then stand at the end of every pew and ask, "May I see every one's ticket please?"


What would you add to the list? Is there anything I've forgotten? Please share.

Caption This Pic

What Dat Smell?

A love song by George Michael

Leather jacket? Check

Cross earring? Check

Retro Miami Vice beard? Check

Nip coverage for delicate sensibilities? Check.

Deodorant? Dang. Seriously.

My father in law just said I am full of crap. Can you imagine?

Katdish is pregnant! Congratulations girl!

OUCH!

The day after Dan and I got married we had a party for our out of town guests. (We got married in AZ and had many guests from IN, FL and KY.) Looking back I think the reception would have sufficed.

Not wanting to get the boom-chicka-bow-wow look from everyone in the room we made sure we were the first to arrive. As it turns out it wouldn't have mattered what time we showed up. The wedding party, our dearest friends, made it a point to make eye contact with Dan or I and mutter, "Uh-huh" while raising eyebrows and lifting glasses to toast us. But my mother took the cake. In a private moment she put her hand on my back and delicately whispered, "Is there anything you want to ask you mother?" So I said, "No. But Dan's dying to talk to you."



OUCH! So there you have it.

So please, do dish. I really can't wait for the comments on this one. Especially from Nelson's Mama.