Two old men are sitting on a bench in a city park. They're bored.One says to the other, "What should we do today?"
The other replies, "How much money do you have?"
They both rummage through their pockets and come up with $4 and some change.
The first one says, "We can't do much with $4. Maybe we should just go home."
The other, excited, replies, "No! Let's go buy a box of tampons!"
"Tampons! What are we going to do with tampons?"
"Haven't you seen those TV commercials? With tampons we can run, and hike and swim, even go dancing. We need some tampons!"
Your turn. Leave your joke in the comments section.
Stacy, your kids would probably like these jokes...
ReplyDeleteQ: What is red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick!
Q:What is brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
Mucous: you may think it's funny but it's snot!
This is my all-time favourite joke:
ReplyDeleteQ: How do you make Holy Water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.
I think G-d would laugh at that.
WF: Axesse. A female ax??
Two pies are in an oven. One pie says, "It's getting hot in here."
ReplyDeleteThe other pie says, "AHHH! A TALKING PIE!!"
Awesome.
One night a burglar breaks into a house as its owners are asleep. He's lifting the TV to put in his bag when he hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
ReplyDeleteThe startled burglar flashes his light all over the room, but he can't find the source of the voice. He chalks it up to nerves and carries on. As he is disconnecting the stereo wires, he hears it again. "Jesus is watching you."
He looks around the room again, and spots a parrot sitting in the corner. "Did you say that?" he asks.
"Yup," the parrot admits," I was just trying to warn you, Jesus is watching."
"Pttt!" the burglar snorts. "Who are you, to warn me?!"
"Well," the parrot says, "My name is Moses."
"Moses! What kind of people name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same kind who name a Rottweiler Jesus."
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer...and a mop."
ReplyDeleteI went to a sea-food disco last night, and I pulled a mussel.
ReplyDelete<-SB><
Hey, is that really worse that Stacy's?
You opened the door, girl.
ReplyDeleteQ: What do you call it when you toss an grenade in a French kitchen?
A; Linoleum blownapart. (From the Prairie Home Companion Joke Show)
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have any guts.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
pretty much my favorite joke ever-
ReplyDeleteWhat's red and invisible?
no tomatoes
What does a guy with two left feet say when he walks into a shoe store?
"I'd like to buy some flip-flips."
My grandma told the joke Helen did, but it was a Doberman Pincher instead of a Rottwieler, lol.
ReplyDelete!LAME ALERT!
ReplyDeleteQ: What church hymn do dentists like the most?
A: "Crown Him with Many Crowns"
(I warned ya...)
Favorite joke EVER:
ReplyDeleteQ: What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
A: Dam.
Three nuns walk into a bar...
ReplyDeletethe fourth one ducks.
I feel like a loser. I haven't come by and commented in millions of days. I'm sorry. I've been insane due to my oldest daughter graduating and then wrecking her BRAND NEW car (she's fine. fender bender)
I'm a little less stressed now, so I'll be back to commenting.
love ya like a fat kid loves cake!
Marni
Marni - I'm sorry to hear about the car. Was that the one she got like last week?
ReplyDeleteKleighj - that's not funny! I had a cousin who did that.
Q: Where did Napolean keep his armies?
ReplyDeleteA: In his sleevies!
A sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender says "You'll have to leave, we don't serve food here."
Salesman visits a farmer and notices a pig with a wooden leg, and comments to the farmer. "Don't laugh at my pig! That pig saved my life twice", the farmer said. "Once the house was on fire and he made a lot of noise and woke me up. Another time I was working under the tracker and the jack slipped, pinning me, but the pig dug in the dirt around me and got me out."
ReplyDeleteSalesman, "But how did he lose his leg?"
Farmer: "Well, a great pig like that you don't want to eat all at once."
Sharkbait...
ReplyDeleteYes. Sigh. This wasn't something they covered in the "parenting a teenager" manual, and frankly, I'm annoyed by that.
little late but this is my son's favorite joke:
ReplyDeleteWhy did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
We're high class around here.
What's the best way to carve wood?
ReplyDeleteWhittle by whittle.
Hee hee! :)
that was an awesome joke, Stacy!
ReplyDeleteHere is a joke told by a pastor:
ReplyDeleteGot a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:
The other day, I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy and then leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God! GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard something about a "sunny beach."
I saw another waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson, in the back seat, what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing..why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Signed,
Grandma