1. In the middle of a conversation, throw up your hands and yell, "STOP! Hammer Time!" Then do the typewriter.
2. Suck on yellow and green gummy bears until they're good and slimy. Make hacking noises in an elevator, then spit them into your hand. Show them to the person next to you and ask for a hanky.
3. Trade out grape juice for hard liquor at communion.
4. Hook up the worship leader's mic to a clapper.
5. Before meeting anyone new pop an alka-seltzer tablet into your mouth. Carry on normal conversation.
6. Forward spam as an attachment with a note saying, "This is awesome."
7. Regularly discuss your bowel habits.
8. Whenever anyone asks you what time it is, subtract 15 minutes from the true time.
9. Ask your neighbors if they'd be interested in becoming blood brothers.
10. Play tag in Wal-Mart. Fitting room lady is home base.
11. Put invisible fence collars on toddlers in the church nursery.
12. In the drive thru make sure to indicate that your order is "to go".
13. When people share prayer requests say, "Your life is a train wreck."
14. Don't plant flowers. Put empty soda cans on sticks and cluster them around your yard. Water them while neighbors do yard work.
15. Tell kids that Disney World burned down and the ice cream truck only plays music when they're out of ice cream.
16. Sing "Wake Me Up Before You G0-Go" when using public restrooms.
17. Attach large signs to drinking fountains that declare, "FREE WATER TODAY!!!"
18. Sign up to be an usher at church then stand at the end of every pew and ask, "May I see every one's ticket please?"
What would you add to the list? Is there anything I've forgotten? Please share.
Number 12 brought back memories. I used to work at McDonald's but usually not the drive thru. One day I had to cover for someone at the drive-thru. Yep. I kept asking "Will that be for here or to go?" The manager was not amused.
ReplyDeleteExcellent list! I especially love number 1.
ReplyDeleteNumber 13 is the best...but you might add post an innocuous Facebook April Fool on a friend's wall that whips everyone he knows (even his mother) into a frenzy thinking he is a felon with no regard for traffic laws.
ReplyDeleteNumber 10 is just awesome. Possibly better than why I got kicked out of Walmart. The rest, well that's pretty much par for Youth Pastors but it does explain why everyone else thinks we are crazy.
ReplyDeleteDid I mention that a couple weeks from now I get an "anything goes" service. The pastor will be on a prayer retreat and it is Youth Sunday so I get both services with practically no adult supervision. My wife is an adult and she supervises, but with 4 kids I can keep lots of stuff secret till it's too late.
I'm thinking all the water fountains will get signs and we will issue tickets which will be checked during offering and possibly play tag. Not to mention I have a cabinet full of t-shirts and a great means of delivering them. I wonder how safe skittles can be delivered using this system?
Yeah - I got one: On Facebook, congratulate your 43 year old friend about her upcoming bundle of joy so that all of her old high school buddies that have recently found her can congratulate her while secretly thinking what a dumb ho she is.
ReplyDeleteKatdish-
ReplyDeleteI never said you were a ho. Is there something you're trying to tell us? Feel free to e-mail me privately if you need accountability.
OH MY GOSH... I have tears in my eyes... the "Your life is a train wreck" totally pushed me over the edge!!!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd is that Hammer dance called the Typewriter??? I'm confused? I didnt know it had a name!!
A friend will go into fitting rooms and as he's leaving he will tell the attendant that the room is out of toilet paper.
ReplyDeleteMy mother does #7 all the time...in great detail, unfortunately. Ewww...
ReplyDeletei can't wait to use the no toilet paper joke in the dressing room. my kids will love it.
ReplyDeleteThese are hilarious! As a former fitting room lady, that would have totally made my day.
ReplyDeleteBring your imaginary friend with you everywhere you go. Make sure he has a seat next to you at church and when you go out to eat. Talk to him often.
Receive phone calls from him when he's "on vacation" twice a year.
I love the train wreck comment - that was hilarious!!!
ReplyDeleteBeth, that reminded me of the time McDonald's was getting rid of this great big plant because it didn't go with the decor. I brought it home. It was that, or let a perfectly lovely piece of foilage be discarded. The plant was very big though. I laid my sweater on the seat of the bus. Then I let the plant down on the seat. Now there was plenty of room on that bus, so the looks I was getting had nothing to do with people before plants. People were just thinking I was odd. I decided to give them odd, and put my arm around the plant and started singing to it. After that, they didn't look at me as if I was odd. The just didn't look at me.
ReplyDeleteHAHA. And this is why I love Helen.
ReplyDeleteNext time you're on a bus with a plant, hold it's hand and whisper sweet nothings in its ear...
In small towns it's not so easy to pretend to be crazy. Word gets out too well. I think I need a trip to the big city!
(Horatio says he loves Chicago and wants to come along.)
1,2,3,4,5...6
ReplyDeleteI think there are about 6 things on there I have never actually done. I will see if I can improve that by the end of the weekend.
A couple of my high school friends and I started writing a book like this once. We have hundreds and hundreds of them. Occasionally, we still email/FB some of them to each other. Some recent additions, these with the theme of "things to do at the library":
ReplyDelete*When you first arrive, knock on the door really really loud.
*Reach your arm as far as you can into the book return slot and see what you can grab.
*Ask the librarian if you can check out a computer. If they offer a laptop, specify a CPU.
*Start rearranging the furniture. If no one notices when you move the chairs, try the shelves. Ask patrons to help you take the books down so it's not so heavy.
*Go to a children's story time, but don't bring a child.
*Request a book on tape. When they give you one on CD or audio cassette, say you meant tape; like duct tape.
*Pick up something random and try to check it out. I.E. Staplers, pens on the counter, library carts, a person, etc.
*Start taking random books down from the shelves and put them straight on the cart or just lay it on a table and walk away. If someone asks why you're doing it tell them in these hard times, you want to ensure the librarian has job security.
*Every time you go to the library, ask to start a new library card because your old one is tainted.
*When you go to check out your items, talk to the librarian like an auctioneer and try to bargain with how long you can keep the books.
*Bring along your pet.
*Check out just a couple books, but ask for assistance taking them to your car.
*Put regular books that you own in the book return slot.
*Stand in the rows with a voice recorder reading a book into it. Explain to whoever asks that you are putting it on tape for later.
*Ask if you can get cash back with your library card like you can at the grocery store.
*Check out a book, sit down in plain sight, "read" it by doing that speed-reading thing they advertise on late-night infomercials (where you run your fingers over the page and suddenly you've "read" it all), put it back in the slot. Repeat with another. And another. Go through, like, 10 books in a 15 minute time period. Works better with big fat books.
My bowels are functioning normally these days. Things were sketchy for a couple weeks; I think I caught a stomach-type bug from my son. But now all systems appear to be "go" but not "URGENTLY," thank goodness. In the process I also found out that the Kroger-brand Froot Loops can turn a kid's poop bright, and I mean BRIGHT green. If that's not incentive to (a) eat more natural stuff or (b) eat more froot loops, I don't know what is.
ReplyDeleteThanks for asking.
Helen, I just read about you singing to the plant on the bus. AWESOME.
ReplyDeleteSara,
ReplyDeleteAre we somehow related? I think we are. The Duct tape thing nearly did me in.
Everyone else,
I have done 5, 8, 10, 15
When someone pauses in a conversation, like they've lost their thought, "It's your lie. Tell it how you want."
OR
If someone says, "Are you going to abcde tomorrow?" I say, "As far as you know."
AND
I have thrown a surprise party in the Wal-Mart snack bar, complete with streamers, balloons, and pin the jumpsuit on the Elvis. We played a game where we each had $3 and 15 minutes to pick out and purchase the perfect gift. Just saying, Summer's Eve is cheap and readily available.
If it wasn't for your family adn the current state of the economy I would have you committeed to an institution... but I know they need the work.
ReplyDelete#12 happens ALL the time! I work in a Starbucks drive-through, and SOOOO many people order a whatever-it-is to go. Ummm, is there ANY other option in a drive-through???
ReplyDeleteToday we had our cat neutered.
ReplyDeleteMy sister bought a rabbit's foot key chain and has somewhat modified it. She is giving it to my oldest daughter and telling her it's the souvenir from the neutering. I think that makes her a little crazy...but I like it.
nice ones, Stacy and Sara!
ReplyDeleteI read these on someone's AIM profile a couple years back, took my favorites, and saved them:
ThInGs To MaKe yOuR pArEnTs InSaNe~
1. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, "Good morning, Sunshine!"
2. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"
3. Do what they actually tell you.
4. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people.
5. At everything they say yell, Liar.
6. Tap on their door all night.
ThInGs To Do WhIlE WaItInG FoR ThE PhArMaCisT aT WaLmArT.
1.When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask... "WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?"
2.While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if they know where the anti-depressants are.
3. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through, say, "PICK ME PICK ME!!!"
4. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume fetal position and scream, "NO IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
Go to a grocery store, get plastic wrap and rubberbands. Then get some condoms. Hold the plastic wrap and rubber bands in one hand and ask the clerk how much for them. Then pull out the condoms and ask how much. It's amazing, especially their reactions.
ReplyDeleteYou can also do the same thing with coat hangers and ateseptic with a pregnetcy test
Another one is to Make animal noises at night, and when someone comes in too see whats up, pretend your asleep.
ReplyDeleteI did it once and my mum got really annoyed because she had to be early the next morning.
WOOOOOOPSS!!
suddenly start obssesing over a random animal, like a lama and after a few weeks, tell them that you think that man should go extinct, and when they inquire, tell tham that your (obssesion animal) introduced you to the idea
ReplyDeleteMake an attempt to trip everyone you pass on the street
ReplyDeleteSneak random merchandise into other people's shopping carts
On the bus, walk through the aisle and ask each individual person, loudly, what time it is and what time they WISH it was
Make people guess your name
Oh, I thought of another, try to pay your waitress to purposefully spill food on another diner, claiming they're your biggest competition in saving the princess
Delete